The Colbert Report/Episode/576

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
June 23, 2009
Production code:
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Show started without opening Statements of Truthiness.


  • the kind of love he's getting from his Mob is the kind he needs right now
    • it's like medicine
  • he's not feeling very well reading about the chaos in Iran
    • might be related to his alcohol-fueled celebration of the chaos in Iran
  • there were 3 million Iranians out protesting
  • 3 million people can put x # of Norm Colemans in office
  • more than the Iranian people taking their lives in their hands
    • McCain
    • Grassley
    •  ??
    • Lindsay Graham
  • today Obama condemned the Iranian government's actions
  • Bill Bennett described the fist of the Statue of Liberty on CNN:
"If you look carefully at the statement, it's a nice invocation of King and other great people. But it's still a dial tone. It's still, we are watching. We're an observer. We're a witness. He should be a participant in this. He absolutely should be. And the fist should be the fist of the Statue of Liberty. That's what this country stands for."[1]
"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses or I will fuck you up!"


  • Obama is hoping
  • Team of doctors took out parts of all of Stephen's organs
    • instead of just taking out his appendix
  • liberals are pushing the "public option"
  • Lindsay Graham doesn't want a government bureaucrat standing between people and doctors
  • GOP released their plan
    • 3 pages
    • no numbers
  • could never give Stephen a kidney because his body would reject it for being too liberal
  • America's healthcare system is the envy of the world
    • 50 million Americans have no healthcare
  • if they don't get healthcare, that number will go down
  • public option would be like Medicare
  • Howard would not take his pants off during role-playing
  • under public option, only ACORN members will perform surgery
    • for GOP Congressmen who voted against it
  • small businesses would benefit under public option
  • people are afraid of the unknown
    • filled with spiders and ghosts


  • No one is more qualified to lavish him with praise
  • reports surfaced that he was hiking
  • Stephen knew a whole year ago
    • Sanford loves solitude
  • Iran has threatened to attack Charleston with weather
  • Stephen has hereby declared himself governor
  • first act as governor
    • calls off the search for former governor Mark Sanford
  • next orders canines to walk upright
  • Jimmy informed Stephen that Sanford called his office and will return to work tomorrow
  • Stephen ruled for 40 seconds and wore the crown


  • expert on guerrilla warfare, Stephen doesn't understand what the big deal is: distract them with bananas then shoot them
  • what does "small wars amidst big ones" mean?
    • use local solutions
  • he is not from Minnesota; he is from Australia
  • Condoleezza Rice and David Gates were desperate so they asked him to help
  • Australia does not have nukes
  • adviser during the surge
    • did not come up with the word "surge"
  • looks like a hippie compared to Stephen
  • they key to the success of the surge
    • tried to make people feel safe
  • the Anbar Awakening was the fifth attempt by the locals to fight the insurgents
  • Gruff, the Crime Dog couldn't help
  • he never thought America would have been greeted as liberators
    • will Afghanistan?
  • not formally advising anymore



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