The Colbert Report/Episode/575

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Previous Episode
June 22, 2009
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  • Your Own Worst Enemy
  • Future-Schama

Flag quote open clear2
Summer is in full swing! Hey, summer, consider a jockstrap!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
June 22, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • he is not actually bowing; he's leaning into his camera and looking for a bald spot
  • terrible news
  • one of America's most popular cold remedies Zicam has been pulled from the shelves after an FDA warning
    • sense of smell
  • Stephen has lost his sense of smell
    • blissfully unaware
    • summer in New York
    • can never be accused of having "dealt it"
  • after losing his sense of smell, Stephen may now have Super Touch
  • Stephen was a born skeptic, not always on Zicam
    • not created by a school teacher
  • Rush's show is sponsored by Zicam
    • God only knows where Bill Clinton inserted his Zicam
    • makers of Zicam
  • Jeff Goldblum tells Stephen he and Rush are not alone
    • Zicam cannot take the sweet smell of freedom
    • don't forget to check out Law & Order Criminal Intent
      • Sundays at 9 on USA
  • Goldblum is still here, but why?


  • don't forget to be terrified at home
    • just because
  • neighbors lock their doors and windows
  • home grown threats
  • Cane Fu
    • program for seniors
  • a cane is not a crutch, but a tool
  • secret assisted living facilities
  • old people can kill a person with a cane
    • makes them stronger an healthier
      • and deadly
  • The Cane Fu Army is a sleeper cell in the war on terror
    • Nanna next door could but don't push her!


  • extremely provocative title
  • in the future we will write histories ahead of time
  • Stephen knows who the Romans are
  • why look to the past?
    • the past is full of mistakes, best to leave it there
  • Thomas Jefferson
  • one thing Stephen likes about the past
    • transfer evil of Hitler to Saddam
  • he won't admit if he likes Hitler
    • he is British and Jewish
  • admits America has:
    • a great history
    • the greatest history?
  • Stephen sings America's anthem everyday
  • studied many revolutions
    • what's going in Iran is a revolution
    • predicts it will be more like the French Revolution
      • it will be ugly, bloody and heads will roll
  • men should have the freedom to worship the Jesus of his choice
  • we are running out of stuff
    • like water
    • golf will end


  • Dr. Colbert knows, he;s not happy about it either
    • he suffers
      • once the audience leaves, he just sits in his chair waiting for the next show to begin


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