The Colbert Report/Episode/574

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Previous Episode
June 18, 2009
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  • Guantanamotel
  • Sign 'Em If ou Got 'Em
  • Stephen vs. Verses

Flag quote open clear2
To make a long story short, give Joe Biden a sedative!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
June 18, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert needs The Heroes energy
    • he didn't sleep a wink last night
      • he kept thinking of a great American who will be sleeping eternally
  • the fly killed by Obama
    • abuse of executive power
  • PETA condemened the crack down
    • the rest of the media are silent?
  • Stephen is not alone
    • Jeff Goldblum joined him to speak for flies
  • been around for 65 million years
    • they have something to teach us
  • all they want is to be loved and feed on our waste
  • Goldblum demands
    • apologize for killing that fly
    • David Letterman's joke about Sarah Palin


  • Threat Down
  • flies are the only thing

# 5 Gitmo detainees
# 4 Bermuda Palau

  • relaxes of evil
    • released to Bermuda under a technicality
      • they were innocent

# 3 Tropical Uigers

  • threaten Stephen's vacation

# 2 Gay animals

  • dolphins are either gay or they've started summer camps
  • takes cues for his behavior from animals; when courting a lady, he presents his swollen rear
  • power of the Lord
    • hump a scuba diver like Jesus said
  • guest edited Newsweek magazine

# 1 Donald H. Crosby of Springfield,

  • asked
  • Stephen is his biggest fan and all "Donald Crosbys"
  • "I (heart) Donald H. Crosby" is shaved into Stephens hair and he's not going to show where


  • Obama unveiled a plan to eliminate risky investing
  • Bears & Balls
  • Swindling Indians?
  • swindling immigrants?
  • Tobacco!
  • outlaw flavored cigarettes
  • is tobacco still a good investment?
    • cough
    • light 'em up!
  • meth-covered cigarettes?
  • chocolate-covered meth cigarettes?
  • video games!
  • is it time to invest in Microsoft?
    • crash sound
    • will need to reboot
    • (scream) Yes!
  • Not Project Natale(sp)
    • ex-X-Box
      • it's only $500, comes with a free set of clothes only smart people can see
  • (scream) real estate
  • New York graveyard
  • should you get in on this new investment
    • ghostly laugh
    • ghostly "boos"
    • yes!
  • We'll be right bees!


  • poetry isn't the best paying profession
  • he teaches poetry also
  • the parents of poetry majors get angry with him
  • why do we need poetry?
    • Hallmark covers everything:
      • love, sorrow, bar mitzvahs, to a special nephew
  • metaphors are traps and lies
    • you cannot get away from them
  • poetry helps us make sense of our lives
  • poets can't make sense of their own lives
  • read poetry at the White House
    • Obamas had a poetry slam
  • Can Obama popularize poetry?
    • indication sense of how significant it is to our lives
  • get more on television


  • Dr. Colbert ordered The Heroes to make Muldoon's poem "Tea" the number one poem in America


  • Dr. Colbert gives special thanks to Jeff Goldblum on "Law & Order: Criminal Intent"


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