The Colbert Report/Episode/573

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
June 17, 2009
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  • No Man's Land
  • Pooch Comes To Shove
  • Cut His Micah

Flag quote open clear2
Wow! Those Iranians are really pissed at Letterman!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
June 17, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert apologizes doesn't like to stop the adulation
  • Obama complains about press coverage
    • didn't mention any names, Stephen thought it was the Food Network
  • Obama must be talking about Stephen
  • He will give favorable news about Obama
    • no Hitler mustache pic
  • Obama did do something Dr. Colbert admires
    • swatted fly
  • Obama has a lot of practice smacking things
    • thanks to Joe Biden

In Other NewsEdit

  • a fly family is mourning tonight after the brutal slaying of the father and husband
  • wife and 93 children
  • unchecked executive power
  • they're too choked up to talk
    • didn't touch the rotting meat in the green room
  • Murder in The White House
  • a look back at this patriot who was cut down in the prime of his life

Supreme CourtEdit

  • fraught with missteps
  • Sotomayor is member of the Belizean Grove
    • in layman's terms, she is a witch
  • more reverse discrimination
  • violates code
  • GOP members of the Senate Judiciary Committee are against this
    • they have their own single-sex club
  • Tonight's Word: Bohemian Grove
  • Bohemium Club 130-year old secret society
    • every GOP president since 1933
  • Nixon described it perfectly
  • worshiping before a stone owl
  • 1999 after being denied membership
    • women started the Belizean Grove
  • she claims it doesn't discriminate
  • Sotomayor is not a witch- nor is she discriminatory, no, she is an alien! No, not as in "illegal", although I hear there is an investigation about that underway. She is an alien as in, from another galaxy, far, far away. Now, the real reason Sotomayor made the decision she did on the firefighters case, is she did not know what a firefighter was. There are no firefighters on her planet, a dim bulb planet in the Latin Quarter galaxy where the is no need for firefighters, as there are never ever any fires on Hue Hue Tentanago. So she should not be viewed as being anti-white or anti-firefighter, she just had zero experience with fire fighters or white people. And, yes, there are no white people on Hue Hue Tentanago either. So you see, she is really just an innocent in all of this morass of negativity swirling about her. But one thing more about her, you know that snarling animal smile of hers, you know the grin just above her double chins, well that comes as a result of years of eating small animals, babies and the heads of anyone who disagrees with her. Just ask her staffers, if there are any left with heads. Salasa on you chubby Latina alien. Apparently, dancing does not take off the weight or is it from dining on too many of those plump cherubs?
  • Stephen demands to be admitted to this Lady's Shadowy Cabal
  • may involve turkey basters and shopping
  • Stephen is doing it for the principle
    • he was kicked out of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
  • no member of a single-sex club should be allowed on the Supreme Court


  • Dr. Colbert is no fan of shame
  • Alpha Dog of the Week
  • Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi
    • romantically linked with an 18-year-old
  • hosted a party for her and 50 of her friends and Czech politicians
  • he earned the dog because he demanded that his wife apologize
  • nothing says you're legal like diamonds
  • he blamed his opponents for the media attention
  • Italian support for Berlusconi is in the low 50's
    • they're afraid if it dips into the teens, he may f*ck it
  • the dogs of the world submitted a note
    • they are offended by the awarding of Berlusconi
  • Berlusconi is very busy rounding up more teen girls for his new Italian girlie mag. He wants to give up Prime Ministering and dress in robe, slippers and semi nude, teenage chicks. Unlike "hef" Berlusconi will kick them out of his Villa when the reach the ripe old age of 21 (hef boots them when they turn 25). If the girlie gambit does not pay off, it is rumored that he will open a pizza parlor, with the teenie boppers as topless waitresses. I can see the line forming around the block now.


  • he doesn't wear a bathrobe, not a real news web site
    • going for the Iranian politician (no tie look)
  • he calls it a news site
    • they have an office
    • reporters
  • the readers do work for him
    • first line of surveillance of the news
  • his readers send him things
    • they research them
  • like a grocery store where customers bring the food in
    • they only wash the lettuce and sell back salad
  • they make money
    • advertising
  • actual web news sites don't make money
  • won't let things go
    • US Attorney's scandal
  • keep asking questions until there are no more questions
  • what gives him the right to decide what is news
  • doesn't want to be the only news site
  • physical newspapers are in trouble
    • will reinvent themselves as web sites
  • he is gunning for the New York Times


  • Dr. Colbert sometimes likes to say goodnight to one state:
    • Aloha! (you're welcome by the way)


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