The Colbert Report/Episode/572

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
June 16, 2009
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  • Teh Runoff
  • Carnival Ruses
  • Duke of Oil

Flag quote open clear2
No sense beating a dead horse, unless it's one of those zombie horses! You can't beat them enough!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
June 16, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert is riveted about the news overseas
    • Croatia claiming the record of the largest pair of blue jeans
  • How can Eastern Blockheads take the record from the USA
  • Dr. Colbert won't let them get away with this
    • he orders His Mob to take their pants off and pass them forward
  • requiring one's audience to take off their pants is illegal
  • set the record for the world's fastest class-action lawsuit


  • painting eggs is the traditional Iranian way to celebrate
  • Mahmoud Ahmeni-here's Stepehn kicking him in the balls-ijad
  • Mir Hussein-in-the-membrane Mousavi
    • wipes Israel off Google Earth (maps?)
  • Mousavi supporters believe the election was stolen
    • third place finisher was Pat Buchanan, who's too anti-Israel even for Iran
  • cut off Twitter
  • Guardian Council ordered partial
    • just like Oprah, but with more beheadedness
  • Mousavi is:
  • conservative
  • denies Israel
  • defend taking hostages
  • supported fatwah against Salman Rushdie
    • could be MLK of Iran
    • or Vidal Sassoon
  • Obama needs to get in there and demand change
  • if only Iran were a car company
  • Stephen wants the US to interfere in an election
  • Did Ahmadinjad steal the election?
    • it was a gift
  • he was originally elected to get Iran oil money
  • who is in the streets?
    • 2/3 of population is under 30 years old
    • too young to remember the 1979 revolution
  • not all progressives and intellectuals
  • who is making the money?
    • who ever sells kubidah(?)
  • Mousavi is considered more of a reformer than Ahmeni-not a reformer-ijad
  • politicians may start wearing ties

Stephen Colbert's Balls for KidzEdit

  • we all know it's summertime when
    • so few Americans have indoors
  • no better way to enjoy the great outdoors than
    • inhaling go-cart dust
    • churro dust
  • there are different highness requirements for both the passengers and operators


  • confused by his PR
    • environmentalist energy company CEO
  • his job one is to provide electricity
  • Stephen never turns the lights out because that's when the ghosts come out
    • can see his house from space
  • the US is in transition
    • 250,000 years of coal
  • the US is the Saudi Arabia of coal!
  • how to transition to a low carbon world?
  • under the current definition of "clean" his company has no clean energy generating plants
    • cannot motorboat the top of the chimney
    • cannot take CO2 out of emission
  • third largest generator of electricity from coal
    • chickens on treadmills
  • he gives lip service
  • believes in global warming
    • it makes it clear what his assignment is
  • must aspire to
  • Carbon Sequestration (or carbon capture)
    • he cannot define anything to 6-year olds because he is a lawyer
    • commercialized it
    • bury the carbon in the earth and hope it doesn't escape


  • Dr. Colbert wishes a solemn goodnight to The Heroes


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