The Colbert Report/Episode/571

< The Colbert Report | Episode

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
June 15, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert salutes His Jewish Friend
    • who leads his audience in a standing ovation for Stephen
  • Stephen is having trouble getting used to wearing civilian clothes
    • Stewart wears a kevlar cup


  • Lil'er Kim
  • 21st Century Breakdown
  • Austan Cowers

Flag quote open clear2
Bathing suit season is right around the corner ... for you prudes who wear them!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
June 15, 2009 The Colbert Report

Colbert's Has Come Home!Edit

  • Dr. Colbert is not wearing a wig
  • he orders His Mob to calm down in m ilitary speak (at ease)
  • he is finally home
  • the toughest longest 5 days of his life
  • everything is so different now that he's been to war
    • he will never forget the troops at Camp Victory's Cinnabon
      • semper frosting
  • he didn't know that one guy came out
  • the voices are with him even now
  • the flight back was long enough that he was able to grow his hair back
    • he can run his fingers through it
  • he misses the action and camaraderie and climate
    • which he can recreate it any time he wants
      • the blow dryers blew off his hair
  • he has always said Matt Lauer is a good looking guy

Stephen's Sound AdviceEdit

  • the UN threatened North Korea
    • deprive them of gravity
  • Kim is the last surviving munchkin
  • Kim Jong Un was named Kim's youngest son and successor
  • he has to prove that he has what it takes
  • How to be a Totalitarian Nutjob
    • crazier than all the Kims who came before him
      • internets sex tape would not hurt
  • try kidnapping random people
    • shows you're not afraid to take what you want
  • Bolster reputation
    • Invent wacky mythology
  • Be fashionable!!
    • unique style
      • might include mustaches
    • Stephen suggests wearing:
      • a dickie, wading boots, lederhosen and a full Specter


  • America's auto industry fell apart faster than an American car while he was away
  • the only thing more important than saving an American car company it's destroying the Obama Administration
  • Car Shout
    • like NPR's Car Talk
      • except he knows nothing about cars and he doesn't broadcast in the nude (That's why they're called Click and Clack)

  • first up: GM
  • there is an Escalade-shaped hole in the ozone layer
  • every dollar spent on GM
  • Hot Wheels is the only car company that has never taken a government bailout
  • Ed W. in Detroit, Michigan
    • wonders if Stephen could tell him about cars, first describing one
  • cars have wheels
    • Phones and cars are different
  • a business is a business
    • he promises to deliver a car as well as he makes phones ... [CARRIER LOST]
  • Joan F. from Dallas, Texas
    • wonders about her warrantees
  • tow your car to Washington, D.C.
  • Fred W. not from Detroit, Michigan
    • also wants to know about cars too


  • Austan Goolsbee
    • Staff Director, Economic Recovery Advisory Board
    • economic adviser for President Obama, Stephen wonders if he came up with tax or spend
  • was one of Harry Potter's teacher
    • he was a ghost and his death was foreshadowing
  • first Obama White House guy
    • not in the cabinet
  • member of the task force for the auto industry
  • he says not to believe anything the Canadians say
    • Harper is a madman
  • he predicts in a year from now we'll be in a very happy place
    • we'll all be in Disneyland
  • how will socialism solve things?
    • get off the bubble and bust cycle
    • healthcare
    • energy policy
    • financial regulators
  • try to prevent stuff from happening again
  • sick version of the Olympics
  • he will admit that when George Bush left office there was still a GM
  • Stephen goes jetskiing with Rush
  • no one will help them
    • helping them succeed will prove socialism works
  • if it works that means government intervention works
  • Obama has always wanted to run GM
    • it was a dream of his father
  • a person saving a kid from a burning building might not be charged with kidnapping
  • Dr. Colbert hopes everything works out because he loves money


  • Dr. Colbert is confused about whether it is now the end of the show
    • he may have been driving for the last 10 minutes


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