The Colbert Report/Episode/568

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Production Info Edit

Previous Episode
June 9, 2009
Production code:
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Intro Edit

This is "Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando!"
Broadcasting from Camp Victory, Baghdad, Iraq!

Hope-Style Monologue Edit

  • Dr. Colbert understands the feeling emanating from the crowd at Al Faw Palace and is so happy for them that they get to meet him
    • he had to beg them to sit down, which they did obediently
  • he introduced himself and announced that he is reporting for duty
    • again, they showed their appreciation
  • off the top he thanked the USO
  • Stephen likes Iraq
    • he's always liked the beach, but hates the ocean, making Iraq perfect
  • there is a lake out back
    • one activity troops like to do is fishing for carp
    • almost as fun as going to the port-a-potty and flogging the dolphin
  • Dr. Colbert has discovered that Saddam Hussein has left his influence all over his former palace
    • his image is carved into the walls
    • his initials are etched as well
  • Dr. Colbert suggests that "SH" should stand for something else
    • perhaps "sh*t happens?"

Colbert Report Baghdad Shout-Out Edit

    • Bill Clinton, who thanked the troops for their service overseas and promised his foundation will be working to find a cure for Stephen Colbert

Some New Tattoos Edit

  • Dr. Colbert removed his cap to show off his new haircut
    • cranial air conditioning
    • got it at a new salon: Raymond's For Men
  • this morning when Dr. Colbert reviewed the videotape of himself sleeping he discovered an ad for Pepsi's Amp soda on his freshly shorn head
    • network has been selling adspace on the back of his skull
  • Stephen said they didn't have to do it secretly; he loves selling out
    • almost as much as he loves Amp, which is just as good upside-down
  • Amp is all about the thrill and excitement of "what's up next!"
    • which he discovered tattooed on another part of his body that was also recently shaved

Stephen Strong: Army Of Me Edit

  • While at Fort Jackson, South Carolina, Dr. Colbert learned how to overcome obstacles, like:
    • climbing over a five-wall obstacle with the help of his battle buddies, but without a snack
    • enjoying the new wave stylings of the B-52's around people who aren't fans
    • crawling under barbed wire (without underwear)
    • trying to get people to sing along to Love Shack
    • singing while hiking
    • climbing the tower
    • rappelling down the tower
  • Some important facts about the tower
    • rappelling down it is entirely necessary
    • permission is granted to go down the wall, but not go AWOL
    • even gays have to do it
  • Stephen even overcame the most dangerous obstacle of all:

Colbert Report Baghdad Shout-Out Edit

  • George H.W. Bush also sent a taped message hoping the troops aren't disappointed if Stephen's legs don't match up to Marlena Deitrich's, Lauren Bacall's or the Rockette's

Formidable Opponent: Don't Ask, Don't Tell (Don't Pursue) Edit

  • Iraqi war vet and Arabic translator Lieutenant Daniel Choi was kicked out
  • apparently, in America's military, you can be all that you can be, with one exception
  • the debate:
    • Are openly gay soldiers a threat to our military readiness? Or, has the time come to let them serve?
  • Stephen discusses his new haircut and shares a can of Amp energy drink
  • Stephen informs his formidable opponent how safe he feels about being in Iraq
    • he was able to buy a gun from a local
  • turns out the gun is actually a muffler
    • his Arabic translator was kicked out under DADT(DP)
      • one of the 59 kicked out in the last 5 years
  • Stephen is not happy about it, but it's not his responsibility nor that of the military
    • it's Washington's responsibility
      • Adding that it is a political decision
  • hundreds of people were discharged under DADT(DP) including 18-year Air Force veteran Lieutenant Colonel Victor Fehrenbach[1]
    • the awards he received were all presented before he turned gay
      • there's no telling how he would fly now that he's gay
  • Stephen admits that he is confused about how openly gay soldiers could hurt morale
    • a person who has never served in the military telling them who should serve is like a person going to the circus telling a bear how to ride a bike
  • Stephen then reminds Stephen that the military depends on unit cohesiveness and maintaining focus on the mission
  • Stephen asks how one soldier's gayness could effect unit cohesiveness
  • Stephen offers a hypothetical scenario to help explain:
    • one of them is gay
  • Stephen asked which
    • Stephen said it wouldn't matter
      • Stephen said it would matter to his wife
  • Stephen asked how she is
    • Stephen relplied that she is fine; Jody is back home watching Mrs. Colbert while he is in Iraq entertaining the troops
  • in the end of the hypothetical scenario, Stephen didn't ask anything and Stephen didn't tell Stephen anything either
    • cohesion achieved! All because Stephen didn't ask Stephen if he was gay
  • Stephen loudly denied being gay
    • Stephen frantically tried to ignore him
  • Stephen still doesn't understand how an openly gay soldier would hurt in a military setting
  • Stephen offered a hypothetical scenario:
    • they are a team on a secret mission in enemy territory: North Korea
      • the idea of commando stuff, black ops and raspberry berets excites Stephen
    • under cover of darkness they sneak through a building filled with sleeping guards
    • they complete the mission and just as they are sneaking past the guards ... Stephen turns to him and says "I'm gay."
    • Stephen insists that he is not gay
      • this gay denial wakes the guards
  • after they are captured, they are forced to do show tunes for Kim Jong Il

Interview Edit

  • yesterday there was one general, tonight Stephen's guests are two enlisted soldiers
    • he can't tell how excited he is, because it's classified
  • they brought weapons to the interview
  • 1% of the U.S. population is serving in military
  • medals are not won; they are earned
  • women cannot fight in combat except in military police
    • however, there are no longer any front lines which means women play an active role in everything the Army does
  • 15% of troops are women
  • Salha is an Arab translator
    • Stephen learned the Arabic words for "how are you?" and both "good" and "not so good" for men and women
  • in 60 years they look forward to coming back as tourists
  • Balcom will miss the chai
    • the tea in Iraq is very good
  • Salha will miss sandstorms
  • Stephen has experienced a sandstorm and says it feels like he was being slowly polished

Epilogue Edit

  • Dr. Colbert allowed them to say hello to their special ladies
    • they responded with a very loud "Hi Mom!"
      • followed by a "Hi Stephen's Mom!" that was just as loud

Gallery Edit

This is an abbreviated gallery. For the full gallery, click here

Official Truthy Videos Edit

External Tubes Edit

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Reviews and Comments Edit


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