The Colbert Report/Episode/565

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
June 3, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert told his Jewish Friend that he should be able to toss to his tolerable co-worker Jon Stewart
    • he looked backward to seeing it


  • Robe v. Gay
  • Axis of E-vite
  • Farmed & Dangerous

Flag quote open clear2
I cannot tell a lie! I prefer to tell them in packs o three!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
June 3, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert arose to give a short, smart bow to His Mob and successfully juggled a pen to begin The Report
    • finishing off with a fling of his WristStrong
  • an object at rest tends to kiss his ass
  • California researchers created a super laser
    • it can burn as hot as stars
    • it reminds Dr. Colbert of the Death Star
  • We Have A Death Star!
  • Hey, North Korea & Iran!
    • suck my giant planet-destroying ball
  • Dr. Colbert tested out his new powers on Killer
    • who turned the tables on him!
  • Yoda recommended Stephen hire Killer


  • Boos of approval
  • California judges saved marriage
    • like the abs on Abercrombie & Fitch models
  • Ted Olsen & David Boies are fighting for
    • like an episode of Dukes of Hazzard where the Duke boys teamed with Boss Hogg to pay for Cooter's sex change operation
  • founding fathers never conceived of gay marriage
    • just wigs and panty hose
  • Barbara Boxer calls it separate but equal
  • Tonight's word: I Do, You Don't

  • 18,000 gay marriages are still valid
  • 3 classes of partnership
  • straight couples
    • has Goddy-Style
  • Domestic Partnerships
  • Gay Marriages grandfathered in
    • collector's items
  • create many kinds of marriages so gays won't feel singled out
  1. straight couples without kids: non-parent
  • create categories
    • gay couples won't be equal, but they won't be the only ones separate

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the FingerEdit

  • everyone is wasting time discussing the Supreme Court nominee
    • Dr. Colbert is the only judge you need
  • Wag to Obama
    • invited Iran to our embassies for July 4th
  • Tip to Craig T. Nelson
    • taught America about self-reliance on Glenn Beck
      • beyond all the free money he got from the government, he got nothing
      • he had to eat his own food
  • Wag to General Motors
    • not for the Pontiac Aztec
    • GM acknowledged that 20,000 employees would lose their jobs
      • without mentioning how this effects the robots
  • Tip to unemployed robots
    • Dr. Colbert realizes their sacrifices
      • also realizes when they have too much time on their hands
    • he salutes them; asking them to remember who their friends are
  • Tip to the Tienanmen Tank
    • stood up to that Chinese student, during the democracy uprising 10 years ago this week
    • on behalf of America, Stephen wants to say "tanks"


  • paid respects to Stephen by standing up
  • doesn't care what Stephen is eating
  • just wants to show what people are eating
    • doesn't intellectual properties of corporate food makers
  • fecal material is a fancy, science word for poop
  • God gave us dominion over the animals
    • if we can get 30,000 in one spot, why can't we?
    • rinse your steak before grilling
  • kitchens are like little factories
  • factory hamburger is made up of thousands of cattle
    • complains about
  • blames food borne illness on factory farms
  • last 30 years bizarre science-fiction factory farm systm
    • the cows wore jet packs
  • Dr. Colbert will not see the film
  • Dr. Colbert's ingredient
  • mechanically separated meat
    • last meat they don't know what to do with
  • has a beef with corn
    • and perhaps corned beef
  • government subsidized corn production
  • corn eventually becomes meat
  • the point of the film
  • what super powers do you get with corn
  • handful has taken over our food system
    • free market system
  • science-guy Darwin
  • Monsanto
    • control 90% of the soy beans
  • not capitalism; it's socialism
  • Obama ???


  • Dr. Colbert ends this Report with:
this is the way the show ends,
this is the way the show ends,
this is the way the show ends,
not with a bang,
but with a whimper
  • Then he said, "you did use your English Degree!"


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