The Colbert Report/Episode/564

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Previous Episode
June 2, 2009
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  • The Breakfast Clubbed
  • Mad Man
  • Katty Fight

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, hold your horses! Even horses need to be held sometimes!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
June 2, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert lead his mob in a cheer of USA, USA to start the show
  • he is hopping mad
    • he doesnt expect alot from th rest of the world
      • live up to our ideals; keep supplying cheap tube socks
  • Saudi Arabia wants journalists to report only on Obama
    • first time they warned someone before they arrested them
  • what friends do
  • Dr. Colbert is worried about Jon and Kate


  • no such thing as a medical miracle
  • Dsiclaimer:

not a medical doctor wh he is in the operating theater

  • brought to you by prescott
    • makers of the first heart worm pill for animal-man hybrids
    • and animal-man hybrids


  • cheerios marketing themselves as
    • addicts turn to trix
  • Prescott is going after cereal market: Pilli-O's
  • Tony the doctor: one spoonful, you'll agree with Tony's catch phrase: ???
  • side effects:
    • opposable spleen
    • achy breaky back
    • foghorn leghorns
  • potassium levels to plummet
    • decrease muscle
    • paralysis
  • Dr. Colbert is worried
    • 2400 ounce Big Gulp
  • Prescott Department of Cola & Industrial Solvents, presents: Twitch
    • produces uncontrollable muscle spasms
  • side effects
    • vigilant kidney
    • pezneck
    • mahmoud ahmedinejaw


  • no cure for prolonged stedman
    • Newsweek cover, "Oprah, Crazy talk & You"
  • Suzanne Sommers follows apple-a-day advice
  • criticizes Oprah audience
    • psychological problems solved by the use of a douche
  • physiological addiction to Oprah
    • Methad-O, exactly like nmethadone, but spelled differently
    • for mild sympstoms: use Tyradol
  • side effects:
    • mock turle neck
    • delusions of grandma
    •  ???
  • always spay or noodle; it;'s kinda fun


  • Stephen is a huge supporter of pharmaceutical magicians
  • Dr. Colbert clashed with Moran before


  • nutmeat can be said
  • all he had time for was read the title of the book
    • it's all he will ever read
  • companies who employ more women in executive positions make more money
  • women want balance in companies
  • not a feminist diatribe
    • like men, want them around
  • he is flattered that women will perform for men
  • women no longer have to choose
    • baby buggy on a cliff big job
  • terrible mother of the year
  • she admits she is a feminist
    • wore shoulder pads
    • worked 60 hours a week
  • she works for the BBC
  • Stephen wants her job
    • white middle age men, like Stephen, are being held down and losing jobs to the elite, like women
  • her book is also a diet book
    • claims it will change your life (even though Stephen isn't a woman)


  • Dr. Colbert is honest when he says the audience is the best one of the night


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