The Colbert Report/Episode/563

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Previous Episode
June 1, 2009
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  • Supreme Court Press
  • Gulf Stream
  • Dorgan Failure

Flag quote open clear2
Congratulations to Conan O'Brien on his first show tonight! Which, I believe (checks watch) starts at 12:00 tonight!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
June 1, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • clean energy
  • great week off
  • Stephen confuses Memorial Day with Labor Day
    • doesn't know which pants to wear
  • credit card reform
  • contains one great amendment
  • carry firearm in a National Park
    • will make Gettysburg re-enactments more interesting
  • Tom Coburn, who inserted the amendment, sees the link
  • NRA explains it best
  • no more Bison carjacking
  • spent the day hiking with fiance Sweetness
    • carved her name in the trees


  • no white men on Obama's shortlist
  • she is a Latino and racist
    • Tom Tancredo
    • Pat Buchanan
    • Rush Limbaugh
  • reverse racist the opposite
  • Sotomayor's quote
    • Stephen says she's wrong
    • white males always reach the correct conclusion until DNA ...
  • brings up despicable
  • white men have no unique history
  • Mitt Romney worked on family's mayonnaise farm
  • many in GOP ask their gardeners what their names are
  • current court
    • eight whites
    • five Catholics
  • she hates white, Connecticut firemen
    • she said she'd rather have her house burn down than have it put out by a white firefighter
  • she has a fiery temperament
  • Puerto Rican
  • grew up in New York in the 1950's
    • she's a Shark
    • Scalia's a Jet
  • next pick bisexual robot
    • another women
  • 110 justices on the Supreme Court
    • 106 have been white males

Where In The World And Where In Time Is Stephen Colbert Going To Be In The Persian Gulf?Edit

  • it is no secret The Report will be deploying to the Persian Gulf
    • theme now includes the lyrics "Definitely not Bahrain"
  • can show here in the ending of Superman
  • 1 of 7 countries
    • pick one using Press Your Luck Board
      • United Arab Emirates
  • formerly under British rule
    • 7 sheikdoms, including Texas, 'cuz Rick Perry will do anything to avoid taking stimulus money
  • for people who loved skiing, but want more florescent lights
  • known for architecture
  • when in Persian Gulf do as the Persians do
    • Sheik condoms (penis burqas)
    • XXL can be worn as galoshes
    • fund classroom projects
  • Support the troops and be popular at school


  • so few repeat visits from Senators
  • he saw the economic crisis in 1994
    • voted against banking deregulation
  • modernization
  • we're trillions in debt
  • doesn't believe in banking modernization
  • North Dakota may have ATMs
    • don't have banks too big to fail
    • don't have failing banks
  • grow wheat
  • produces what people to eat
  • invited Stephen and His Mob to visit North Dakota
  • dark money
    • transaction
  • all regulation is bad
  • free with rules is not regulation
  • Stephen is the last one to know
    • he is a no fact zone
  • credit default swaps
  • he is a populist just like Dr. Colbert
    • shake fists at
      • bankers
      • legislators who voted for banking modernization
  • Bill Clinton's fault
    • it's been said
  • free market needs a referee
    • who should be for sale


  • Dr. Colbert says he entertains us for a half hour, now it's his turn. He wants us to hit pause and dance for him.


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