Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
May 21, 2009
Production code:
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  • Naan-Partisan
"I'll tell you the results of the Indian elections! Well, most of the results; Norm Coleman won't concede that race either!"
  • Ideal or No Ideal
"And, I debate pragmatism verses idealism! It's the greatest abstract argument since "Taste Great-Less Filling"!"
  • Green Day of Reckoning
"Then, Green Day is here to talk about their new album "21st Century Breakdown"! I believe it's about Window's Vista!"

Flag quote open clear2
I'm all that and a bag of celery! I'm trying to slim down for bikini season!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
May 21, 2009 The Colbert Report

Missing Link MadnessEdit

  • Dr. Colbert is once again steamed at science
    • he hasn't been this steamed at science since they came out with Apple-Raspberry FunDip
      • they should have just stuck with Strawberry-Grape like Jesus intended, but no ...
  • the brain-jockeys are wetting their labcoats over Darwinius masillae, a fossil which is estimated to be over 47-million-years-old.
    • Dr. Colbert corrects them by citing the true age of America's Planet: 6,000 years old
      • always has been; always will be
  • Monkey-see, monkey-doofuses like Michael Bloomberg are falling for the scientista's missing link madness
    • should know about shrunken transitional creatures because he is the shrunken transitional creature that lies between a politician and a large pile of money
  • scientists are saying that the fossil that they've nicknamed "Ida" is like a great-great-great-grand-Aunt of modern man
    • Dr. Colbert has an Aunt Ida and he can't see the resemblance

India's ElectionsEdit

  • friend of the show, Shashi Tharoor was running
    • having a "horse in the race" excites Stephen, since Tharoor is much better than his pick to win the Preakness, "Headed for Alpo"
  • Tharoor faced a tough battle
    • many candidates
    • he wasn't born or raised in the district he was running
      • some charged him with being a दूसरे प्रदेश के चुनाव का राजनैतिक कार्यकर्ता (pashmina-schlepper, or carpet-bagger in English)
  • finally giving The Colbert Nation a representative in India's parliament
    • insuring that Hindu creationism will be taught in schools
      • man did not come from monkeys; man came from monkey gods!
  • one of Tharoor's campaign promises was to build rail-lines connecting the following cities:
    • Neyatinkkara
    • Nedumangad
    • Attingal
    • Thiruvanathapuram
  • Stephen's ProTip: You know you're in the next city when you've reached the end of the sign displaying the name of the previous city
  • Dr. Colbert then placed a call to the only guy he knows in India to congratulate Shashi
    • Kevin (who works for American Express customer service) agreed to shout out the window to get him on the phone for Stephen
  • Shashi just happened to be outside the window and agreed to talk on the phone with Stephen
    • Gandhi was also just walking by and said hello to Stephen as well
      • Stephen told him he loved him in "Sexy Beast" and to say hi to Kal Penn for him
  • Gandhi is a good guy

Formidable OpponentEdit

  • Dr. Colbert sensed a theme in this year's commencement speeches:
    • idealism and reality (Hillary Clinton at New York University)
    • optimism and realism (Joe Biden at Syracuse)
    • idealism and pragmatism (Barney Frank at American University)
      • The best way to flatter Barney Frank is to compliment him on his dancing
  • Stephen started by asking Stephen if he is a pragmatist or an idealist
  • Stephen replied by saying that he is an idealist
    • he never gives an inch
    • his metaphors never use the metric system
  • Stephen declared that believing one can accomplish anything without compromise is "living in a fantasy land"
    • Stephen asked what is wrong with a fantasy land? He loves it and so does Rainbow
  • Stephen used the example of the Founding Fathers compromising to write the Constitution ("the source of our national ideal") as proof that pragmatism built this country
      • Stephen added, "and slaves"
        • Stephen conceded the point with a ballsy "touché"
  • Stephen was curious when he learned French
    • to which Stephen held up his honorary degree
  • Stephen criticized pragmatism with a the shameful "Plessy v. Ferguson" Supreme Court decision that gave us "separate, but equal"
    • Stephen denied that is what he meant because Plessy hurt people
      • Stephen reminded him that it didn't hurt the water fountain industry
  • Another compromise Stephen pointed to was Article I of the Constitution which defines black people as three-fifths of a person
    • Stephen defended that compromise because it was later changed
  • Stephen criticized this tactic because it was changing ideals when they are no longer popular
    • Stephen corrected that assumption because ideals are changed when we learn they are wrong
  • Stephen asked if that is like how Obama campaigned on restoring the rule of law, but once in office he is keeping the Bush Military tribunals at Gitmo
    • Stephen agreed, pointing out that even the ACLU is labeling them the Obama-Bush tribunals
  • Stephen laughed; the ACLU are the ultimate idealists, they defended the rights of Nazis to march in Skokie
  • Stephen asked if he could change the topic to abortion
    • Stephen agreed; it's a funny word like guacamole
  • Stephen asked if he recalled the speech Obama gave at Notre Dame
    • Stephen replied with a shout out to Notre Dame (GOOOO IRIIIIISH!)
  • Stephen thanked him for keeping abreast with current events, quoting Obama as saying opposing viewpoints on abortion are "irreconcilable"
    • Stephen agreed, stating that he is absolutely for one side of that issue
      • Stephen asserted that he was just as fervent for the other side, then he referred again to Obama's Notre Dame speech saying that he urged Americans not to demonize each other (which is too bad, because Stephen would look good with a pitch fork) Stephen said Obama's point was that our ideals don't have to stand in the way of everyone working together
  • Stephen agreed that they could work together, asking if Stephen could pick what project they could work on together
    • Stephen said there are too many stray cats and dogs
      • Stephen agreed, suggesting the only way to solve the problem: put them in sacks and dump them off a bridge
    • Stephen disagreed, offering a compromise: to feed them
      • Stephen agreed that they should be fed to the homeless
    • Stephen disagreed
      • Stephen asked why he wanted the homeless to starve?
    • Stephen protested
      • Stephen suggested feeding the homeless to the dogs and cats
    • Again, Stephen disagreed
      • Stephen asked the pragmatist to meet him half-way
    • Stephen admits that as a pragmatist, there are some things he cannot bring himself to do
      • which Stephen points out actually makes him an idealist
    • which makes both of them Formidable Opponents


  • Dr. Colbert's guest tonight is here to talk about their new album, "21st Century Breakdown", he hopes they ave the time of their lives
  • Dr. Colbert informed them that the Japanese character for "crisis" is the same as the one for "opportunity"
  • Dr. Colbert liked their previous album "American Idiot" because there are so few pro-idiot albums out there
  • Stephen asked them why they're so angry
    • there is something about anger and confusion that appeals to them
  • Dr. Colbert asked why don't they write something uplifting since America is headed to an economic Depression
    • he wanted to make sure they didn't take his suggestion the wrong way; he likes punk music because it doesn't offer solutions
    • they could write music for a big dance number that includes girls swimming in a pool like Busby Berkeley
  • Dr. Colbert also asked them why they're so angry at religion
    • did they not know that Jesus loves them?
  • they professed their love for Jesus
    • their dislike for sandals
    • but love for disrobing
  • they have children of their own
  • they seem to be proud of listening only to secular music at their homes
  • they refuse to sell their music at Wal-Mart because the store wants them to censor their record
    • Dr. Colbert suggested they consider it Censorprovement, similar to trying to improve their music
  • Green Day believes Wal-Mart owns/controls every industry except the porn industry, wondering if their albums could be sold near the guns
    • Dr. Colbert suggests they could be sold with a gun and be used like clay pigeons for skeet shooting
  • they have done covers of
    • Bob Dylan
    • The Who
    • Operation Ivy
  • Dr. Colbert has released a few albums and asked if they would consider covering any of his songs
    • after hearing how awesomely patriotic Stephen's song was, they realized they couldn't follow it and stormed off the stage


Upon returning, they performed the song, "Know Your Enemy"


  • Dr. Colbert came back to thank them for appearing in person for their nailing and for performing


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