The Colbert Report/Episode/561

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
May 20, 2009
Production code:
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  • Extra! Extra! Bleed All About It!
  • She Said, C.I.A. Said
  • Grin And Bear E.T.

Flag quote open clear2
We can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar! It also makes them taste better!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
May 20, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • it is Fleet Week in New York
    • would look good with a shaved ?
  • newspapers are an important part of our lives--not to read
    • can't wrap dishes in a blog
  • big kerfuffle at the Philadelphia Inquirer
  • Liberal Complainosphere
  • doing some unspeakable things to the English language
  • editor
    • made effort to hire conservatives
    • torquemada still uses Work Perfect
  • Yoo could justify serving dolphins at PETA


  • bright side
    • Nancy Pelosi up to her Elmo-sized eyeballs
  • CIA says they briefed her on it
    • she says they didn't
  • The CIA does not mislead world leaders; they assassinate them
  • CIA said it is not their practice or policy to mislead Congress
  • The point is: Nancy Pelosi might know
    • Pelosi Day Parade
  • CIA & Cheney's office said they briefed Graham
  • calls The Colbert Report the pinnacle of the media
  • they couldn't let him know he was there
  • he said people who attended the briefing he was at didn't have the classification to receive the information the CIA was claiming he received during the meeting he said didn't happen


  • at some point during the summer
  • Pentagon can't say where or when
  • Just as Dr. Colbert was about to announce where and when he would be going to the Persian Gulf, he was shot with some form of tranquilizer
  • part of the USO tour, he launched a challenge with Donors Choose
  • projects designed by Teachers, not the students
    • The Nation has donated $63,000
  • just like the real world, the Coast Guard is getting spanked
  • advice for young pundits: stay away from his time slot
  • go to Colbert, follow the link to Donors Choose
    • best way to support the troops short of making out with them in Times Square


  • he has no alien heads on the wall of his den
  • they may not exist, his life may be meaningless
  • he says there are a trillion planets
  • science continues to make mankind insignificant
  • why is he searching for another thing to bum Stephen out
  • Stephen thinks we're pretty good
    • not a Blame Humanity First Crowd
  • the universe was an expectant mother
  • big antenna, like Jodie Foster did in Contact
  • what constitutes a signal?
    • kind of signal that an artificial transmitter makes
  • doesn't think they're going to be people
    • may be space ladies in bikinis
  • artificial intelligence
  • some people with arms and legs don't think either


  • Dr. Colbert signed off with a quick "That's it for The Report everybody, goodnight!"


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