The Colbert Report/Episode/559

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
May 18, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert is normally unflappable as a cucumber in sunglasses, until Keyboard Cat came along
    • KC waits for you to mess up, so he can play you off
  • it's not over cat!


  • Cuba Unlibre
  • Charity Case
  • Blog Havin' Republican

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, you! Watching this on mute! Turn up the volume!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
May 18, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert is grinning from ear to ear
    • he has more than 32 teeth!
  • Obama has finally seen the light
    • he won't release torture photos
    • reinstituting military tribunals
  • he transformed into Bush
  • the pundits
    • the real world
      • where conservatives live every day (inside their gated communities)
  • Dr. Colbert welcomed him to the real world
  • He will need a few things to join a conservative reality
    • unicorm whose tears cure homosexuality
    • socialism and fascism
    • proof that global warming doesn't exist
    • bandaids (always need bandaids)


  • defending America
    • Dick Cheney's reality doesn't change
  • dangerous time for America
    • dangerous time for Bush-Cheney legacy
  • in aftermath of 9/11
    • we learned
  • America still needs a prison outside
    • flubber boarding
  • where to put our detainees?
  • moving blood-thirsty-detainees to American prisons
    • need them for people doing life sentences
  • Sam Brownback is fighting back
    • Leavenworth
    • people of Kansas cannot handle: like evolution
  • John Boehner
  • Obama wants them in out
    • KSM will live above your neighbor's garage
  • Cheney volunteered to take 20 Al Qaeda terrorists
    • he is the only one who knows how to treat them

Threat DownEdit

  • they say you shouldn't be afraid of the dark

# 5- Charity

  • sometimes charities turn evil
    • Christian Children's Fund changing its name to Child Fund International
  • Matthew 19 ...
  • name change is a threat to his PR
    • Christ had 12

# 4- Casual Jesus

  • statue called Jesus in jeans
    • never wore one jeans even on casual Friday
  • new testament will get a make-over
    • judas will betray

# 3- Drug Czar Kerlikowske

  • end war on drugs
  • Dr. Colbert has two modes:
    • war
    • sex

# 2- Cleanliness

  • employees were forced to evacuate when an employee break room refrigerator was cleaned
    • seal it with duck tape and bury it

# 1- Robot Teacher

  • debuted in Tokyo
  • Japan should know about the threat of robots
  • in the future the three R's will be
    • reading
    • 'riting
    • run for your life!


  • is a republican blogger and the daughter of John McCain; Stephen wonders if her dad has figured which channel her blog is on?
  • she twittered that her Val says she should lick Dr. Colbert's face
    • his right side tastes like teriyake
    • the left: chipotle
  • pro-sex, pro-life and pro-gay marriage
  • she is more liberal than Obama
    • Obama is not pro-gay marriage
    • she thinks the GOP is more pro-gay than the liberals
  • whenever the word sanctity
  • if a gay person gets married, what is the insentive for straights to get opposite married
  • she believes the GOP can attract young voters
    • not by concentrating on technology
    • concentrate on the message
  • there are two things she won't comment on publicly:
    • Sarah Palin
    • why she won't comment on Sarah Palin publicly


  • according to Dr. Colbert's internal clock it is time to go
    • he tried to smuggle a Rolex


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