The Colbert Report/Episode/558

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
May 14, 2009
Production code:
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  • You're Not Fired
  • It's All About the Private Benjamins
  • Suit Yusuf!

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, blessings in disguise!? What are you hiding!?
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
May 14, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • so much news from the world of art
    • finally managed to draw that turtle
  • archaeologists in Germany
    • found Hohle Fels Venus
  • no one wants porn stash discovered


  • anxiously awaits return of Jesus
    • awesome last phrases
      • catch you on the flip side
  • even Dr. Colbert was surprised when Jesus appeared
    • a piece of cheese toast
    • or cocker spaniel
  • Mark 22:16
  • Stephen's Burden
  • Telemundo talk show host/Miami Priest
    • missed the part about sparing the rod
  • Father Alberto Cutié
    • breaching his vow of celibacy
  • Catholics with options are called Protestants
  • Does God want priests to be celibate
    • Yahweh
  • Donald Trump allowed Miss California to keep her crown
  • was God really talking to Carrie Prejean
    • Yahweh, she may be the second coming
      • like Jesus she rode into town on her ass

Donors ChooseEdit

  • soon Dr. Colbert will be going to the Persian Gulf
    • to support them at home; he has partnered with
  • the Navy has the most fervent supporters
    • they are ahead by approx $900
  • Don't Need To Ask; Don't Need To Tell
  • forgot one branch
    • Coast Guard $61!?
  • Stephen shared some of the drawings by the children
    • including the one he drew himself!
  • Dr. Colbert will have been so brave
    • the soldiers were very happy to be entertained by him


  • Yusuf
    • formerly known as Cat Stevens
  • guest is singer formerly Cat Stevens; tell Stephen how to get a moonshadow to stop following him
  • Stephen will get to the anger soon
  • the album is called "roadsinger"
  • why did he stop being Cat Stevens
  • singing & songwriting is a gift
  • God gave him the gift in the first place and then gave him other work to do
  • he had a contract with his audience
  • young men loved his music
    • then he walked away; which was cowardice
  • Dr. Colbert had to explain that his audience owned him
  • Dr. Colbert also called him a coward and loved him at the same time
  • it's not easy being honest in show business
  • he left clues in some of his songs
  • Stephen gets his news from Western news
    • Muslims are dangerous and scary
    • what's scary is that he is not dangerous and scary
  • nice guy image is the latest threat
  • the first thing Muslims learn to say is "salaam(sp?)"
    • which means peace
  • he is here to educate
  • he will come back to sing a song



  • Dr. Colbert thanked his guest and wished The Heroes a good night


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