The Colbert Report/Episode/557

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
May 13, 2009
Dr. Colbert's birthday
Production code:
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  • Health Bomber
  • Entree-Level Position
  • Pollan Account

Flag quote open clear2
When in Rome ... I find a McDonald's where they speak English!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
May 13, 2009 The Colbert Report

The Gibbs-Plant Phone WarEdit

  • Dr. Colbert took two swigs of Sierra Mist
  • Stephen zip in his step today
  • honeymoon between Obama administration and the press
  • White House Press Briefing
    • Dr. Colbert is with Robert Gibbs
  • it's rude
  • CBS Bill Plant took the call when his phone rang

Soda TaxEdit

  • Johnny Law wants to infringe
  • Does not obey big government; he obeys his thirst
  • Senate considering taxes on soda and sugary drinks
  • You can have Stephen's soda when you pry it from his cold, diabetic hands
  • it makes him sick to his stomach
  • .25 cent tax per ounce on soda tax
    • one of Dr. Colbert's better arguments (he burped; first time on television)
  • soda causes obesity
    • $127 billion in health cost
  • people who drink soda are not fat; they're extreme!
  • is it bad when your urine comes out carbonated?
  • soft drink lobbyists say soda doesn't cause obesity
    • things that are fun are never bad for you
  • protest the soda tax
    • learned from the Tea Baggers
    • do not name it something that has a double meaning: Stephen Colbert's Coke Parties

Special Edition of Colbert PlatinumEdit

  • it's no secret the super-wealthy keep the economy
    • alabaster bidet puts 100x more people to work than whatever type of bidet
  • Colbert Platinum!
  • Norma's in Le Parker Meridien
    • $1,000 omelet
      • $3 eggs
      • $60 lobster
      • $650 caviar
      • $287 potatoes
    • comes with toast
  • one thing sustained our ancestors when they came to Ellis Island
  • Dr. Colbert did not dine and dash

Nino's Bellisima Pizza

  • $1,000 pie
    • served cold
    • with shaved lobster
    • and 8 ounces of caviar
      • does not come with crazy bread
  • it was one of the best $1,000 pizzas Dr. Colbert has ever had
  • when he thinks pizza he thinks:
    • room temperature
    • fish roe (eggs)
    • and cashing in the college fund
  • Dr. Colbert burned off his lunch at Nino's by dashing over to Serendipity 3

Serendipity 3

  • $1,000 sundae
    • served with a gold spoon
    • in a crystal goblet--lined with gold
    • garnished with nuts dipped in gold
    • featuring 3 scoops of vanilla ice cream covered in gold
    • chocolates flown in from Italy
    • candied fruit from Paris
    • vanilla from Tahiti
  • a Klondike bar would have to fly many times around the world to match the carbon footprint of this sundae
  • they've sold one a month in the "good times"
    • haven't sold one since November
  • 24-carat edible gold is also sprinkled on top
  • for another $1,000 Dr. Colbert could have a poor person watch him eat it
    • could use more gold


  • Dr. Colbert offered him a can of Sierra Mist
  • we should be attacking the food to protect ourselves
  • is against American things, like American cheese
    • it's processed
    • Stephen doesn't want to undream the dream by reading the label
  • synthesize breast milk for 150 years
  • he was not breast fed
  • Stephen demands he apologize to his mother (who was in the audience)
  • we don't know enough about food
  • our bodies know what to do with corn
    • the set is made of corn
    • the table tastes like a sun chip
  • problem of deliciousness
  • uses science in his book
    • science has done things for Cheetos
  • it's fun, it can't be bad for us
    • once a week, not everyday
  • he was busted in Berkeley buying fruity pebbles
    • it's a capitol offense
  • eat anything that is real
    • cook it yourself
    • less than 5 ingredients
  • says Dr. Colbert has a pasty complexion
    • but he has wavy hair


  • Dr. Colbert wonders if you noticed the theme running through the show:
    • Stephen Colbert is awesome!


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