The Colbert Report/Episode/556

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
May 12, 2009
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  • Our Plan in Havana
  • Brand Old Party
  • Howard's End

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All proceeds from this show go to a worthy cause: my advertisers!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
May 12, 2009 The Colbert Report

Ron Howard's On The Report!Edit

  • smoke 'em if you've got em, but since it's New York ...
  • big celebrity guest: Ron Howard
  • controversial directors in Hollywood
    • latest movie raised shackles in Vatican
  • boycott The DaVinci Code
    • Rhythm method effective
  • Observatory Romano
    • translated review
  • Ron Howard has the face of evil

Relations With CubaEdit

  • Obama is having a torrid love affair with socialism
    • public groping of Cuba
  • normalizing relations
  • Cuba has not earned it yet
    • Phil Gringrey wants them to stop playing hide the fist
  • 2/3 of Americans would support lift of ban on travel to Cuba
    • study sponsored by Orbitz
  • Europeans are trying to
  • too much dinero at stake
    • foreign sales to Cuba would have been $1-billion
  • ending embargo would do for Detroit
    • Cuba is the only country left that will buy cars from Detroit
  • head of Latin American division of

Julia Sweig

  • why normalize relations for Cuba
    • Stephen wants to do it for the money
  • in our way
    • cannot travel
    • cannot
    • can't use communication devices
    • can't use credit cards
  • what should we get in return? Elian Gonzales!
    • 3,307 since Elian Gonzales
  • he joined Communist
  • Raul may just be Fidel shaved
  • neither is the cute one
  • why open trade relations with a socialist?
  • against open trade relations with Philadelphia
  • give them back Gitmo
  • why hasn't Cuba collapsed
    • or did it come pre-collapsed
  • dirty secret
    • they get certain things from their government

Stephen's Sound AdviceEdit

  • tough time to be a Republican
  • lost 7 governorships, House, Senate and White House
  • McConnell chairmanship of the Jowel(sp?) Caucus
  • painful, soul-searching
    • without
  • give the party a full Kenny Rodgers
  • How To Rebrand The Republican Party
    • change image
  • follow example corporations
  • Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC
  • Hostess Cupcakes used to be known as Dr. Granger's Snacktime Asbestos treats!
  • call yourself twitter
    • party platform is 140 characters long
  • update logo
    • creature that will be around forever
      • the cockroach (a crowd pleaser)
      • add music!
  • doubled for Hispanics
  • best spokesman
    • Geico has talking lizard and caveman
    • charismatic and worked with monkeys
  • new GOP spokesman should be Tony Danza "Going Ape"
    • complex metaphor for the estate tax


  • Ron Howard
    • has directed a movie about a secret society called the Illuminati, hopefully he can write a letter of recommendation!
  • Stephen likes him
    • he likes Stephen
  • he has it in for the Catholic church
  • he wants to get enraged about it
  • full of puzzles
    • there may be sudokus too
  • Beautiful Mind is about the guy who invented sudoku
  • Vatican said was two hours of mindless entertainment that doesn't effect the ...
  • Jesus saved the church before Robert Langdon
    • Stephen gave away the ending of the third movie
  • religion has a lot of drama
  • conflict between faith and science
    • bomb under Vatican put there by a group (The Illuminati)
  • the Illuminati controls
    • ATM fees
  • Dan Brown collects conspiracy theories
  • Stephen wants to see it
  • his next movie may be Space Pope a mash-up of Apollo 13 and The DaVinci Code and Angels & Demons


  • That's it for the show if any part offended you, it was probably the part where Dr. Colbert called you dummy, dummy.


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