The Colbert Report/Episode/555

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
May 11, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert asks his Jewish Friend not to comment on his bristly black face stallion
    • it's getting pretty awesome
  • after enduring his insults, Dr. Colbert had to shave it off



Flag quote open clear2
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, then his illegal logging business succeeds!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
May 11, 2009 The Colbert Report

American PalletEdit

  • applause does not suck
  • Dr. Colbert read something upsetting
  • They don't hold trials for dogs
  • In this week's The Week
    • recent study for American Association of Wine Economists
      • can people distinguished pate from dog food
  • who can't tell the difference?
    • 83% of those studied
  • 3 of the 18 were able to
  • this disappoints Dr. Colbert
    • American pallets are so unsophisticated
  • assistant Monica gets $100 to buy Dr. Colbert's pate
    • she only gets the fanciest of feasts
  • it is both
    • delicious
    • make his coat silky
  • lived up to their motto: This seemed like a good idea when we were hammered on Merlot

America's CreditEdit

  • we're a country in debt
    • being in the whole is as American as owing apple pie
  • owe debt to credit card companies
  • tragically the Senate is voting to change our relationship to plastic
    • not right to marry a blow up doll(?)
  • the credit rule monkey
  • minor problems
    • on the whole it is an honest industry
  • why we need the legislation
    • built on gotcha tactics
    • keep in debt at high cost
  • $18 billion in penalties in 2008
  • poor people are subsidizing the rich
  • many house holds are using credit cards for basic necessities
  • Credit Card Holders Bill Of Right
    • right to bear arms
    • right to assemble in his wallet
  • captive market
  • no rules in place to protect people
  • she may have buffalo pelts in her wallet
  • the market should decide
  • it's cheating to level the playing field
    • she will put $18 billion back in Dr. Colbert's wallet)

Alpha Dog of the WeekEdit

  • every dog loves a scratch behind the ears
    • when your hands are busy
  • Montana resident Eric Slye
    • everyone hates jury duty
  • he cannot afford to take time off from work
    • he'd rather count the wrinkles on his dog's balls
  • he was excused from jury duty after appearing
    • "Montana jury system v Dog ball wrinkles"
  • for treating the justice system like his own personal fire hydrant, Dr. Colbert awards him Alpha Dog of the Week


  • Dr. Colbert's guest was just nominated for a Tony, let's see if the interview can win a "Stevie"
  • one of Dr. Colbert's first guest
    • second preview show
  • he seems like a prophet
    • Nostadaniels
  • still lives in Michigan
  • $18 million bond issue that won't be paid off until 2024
  • Daniels points out Dr. Colbert's Emmy and Peadbody
    • Dr. Colbert allows him to touch them
  • Emmy was for writing; Peabody was for his suits
  • Daniel was merely nominated for a Tony
  • "God of Carnage" is about 4 parents start talking honestly to each other
    • their kids get into a fight
  • he accuses Dr. Colbert of wearing a mask


  • Dr. Colbert unfortunately it's time to say good night
    • unless we're planning about dreaming about him, then he will meet us at the Unicorn Dealership


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