The Colbert Report/Episode/553

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
May 6, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert was busily working when his Jewish friend interrupted him to talk about trivial things, like:
    • how he's been doing
    • how his family is doing
    • if he still goes fishing
    • if he has lost weight


  • Poll Position
  • Gulf Warn
  • HiN-Fun!

Flag quote open clear2
If the eyes are the window of the soul, then why does it hurt when I sporay them with Windex!?!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
May 6, 2009 The Colbert Report

Virgin Billionaires!Edit

  • Dr. Colbert wants to tell us something
    • we're authentic like he is
  • when you see him at the desk, you know he is who he says he is
  • he doesn't buy into
  • Robert Mugabe is really a rebel billionaire
    • Zimbabwe has 200,000,000% interest
    • Anyone who can buy bread is a billionaire (or a Breadinaire in the native Zimbabwe language)
  • Branson has something to prove
    • a real man goes kite surfing with a naked model on his front
  • online interview with accent mogul, Arianna Huffington, where Branson says he wants to get into a fistfight with Dr. Colbert
    • and that Stephen is an historical figure!
    • take that Adolf Hitler!
  • when he appeared on The Report in aught-seven, he showed that he's really a Sir Dick
  • 1777 Code of Dueling
    • clearly states in Rule 16: challenger can choose the weapons
  • The Feud of The Dudes With Nudes
  • no-holds-barred chicken fight
  • duel with naked models (or "hairless shoulder monkeys") on their backs

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the FingerEdit

  • Tip Byron York
    • future polls should contain the margin of error (+/- blac people
  • Tip Gong'an province
    • ordered their citizens to smoke locally-made cigarettes
  • Wag Montana groom chose grizzly bear as his "best man"
    • claimed the bear is a friend; the bear sees him as a talking hotdog
      • he could hook up with a bridesmaid,


  • it's no secret that The Report will be going to the Persian Gulf for some R&R:
    • Ramadan and regional conflict
  • The Press Your Luck Board
    • Saudi Arabia!
  • finally a country Dr. Colbert cares about
  • named after the House of Saud
    • similar to how Uruguay was named after a urologist who was guay
  • Saudi 7th most authoritarian country in the world
  • Riyadh
  • US has 284 deployed in Saudi Arabia
  • troops provide Saudi National Guard
  • video advice provided by persons station in the Gulf (somewhere)
  • Stephen has advice for them:
Please don't let anyone hurt him; he's an historical figure


  • they shared some purell
  • wrote cover article of the current issue of Newsweek
    • a pig on the cover at the door trying to lick our children
  • it's new and nasty, but not nasty enough
  • we're in the middle of an epidemic
    • when she heard there was an epidemic, she only thought of how much cash she could rake in
  • industrial pig farms are
  • pigs are mixing vessel
    • because they are delicious
    • they will eat anything
  • permissive GI tract
    • their guts have loose morals
  • we need to be terrified of chickens
    • there is H5N1
      • 850 times as bad; 82% of people who get it die
  • started in the U.S. we exported it to Mexico
    • then she insulted Lou Dobbs by suggesting that we quarantine him
  • Indonesia will not share their
    • they believe we make and release the virus (along with the Jews) and charge people for the antidote


  • Dr. Colbert if you can't stand the idea of being apart, freeze the picture and hug your screen for 23 and a half hours; the warmth you feel isn't radiation, it's ...


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