Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
May 5, 2009
Production code:
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  • Souter Yourself
  • Waterboarding Under The Bridge
  • Game, Vet, Match

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Hey, Code Breakers! Here's a hint: try harder!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
May 5, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • bright, shiny faces
  • amigos, compadres, muchachos
  • Annual Mexican holiday that commemorates the five jars of mayo that lasted 8 days
    • conga line
  • careful of swine flu
  • prepare three-bean dip
    • each kind is quarantined
  • covering all of it with cilantro
  • won't let him
  • will win man-pig-salsa competition


  • Stephen is excited about Souter's retirement
  • if you need a lobotomy every year, you need a new lobotomist
  • gun club is declared
  • Robert Bork
    • speech by Ted Kennedy
    • anti-Bork commercial featuring Gregory Peck
    • editorial with Muppet
  • everyone knows who Obama will select
  • legalized stem cell research, they will have to grow the nominee in a petri dish
  • Souter was considered a conservative
  • Justice Dave Matthews
    • and flip like Souter
  • predicts close to zero chance that a white male will be chosen
  • many of the previous Supreme Court justices have been white males
  • firsts:
    • Jew- Louis Brandeis
    • black- Thurgood Marshall
    • woman- Sandra Day O'Connor
  • want a playmate for Kennedy
  • Obama is a Chicago politician
    • he has this thing and it'd fucking golden
    • may sell it
  • claims that Dr. Colbert has no chance to be Supreme Court justice


  • Dr. Colbert believes Obama's decision terrorists will know how to prepare
  • if they know we will push them against a wall
    • instead of KSM, we'll face Koolaid Sheik Mohammad
  • how will we treat prisoners of the future
  • prisoners of public opinion
    • they can't go out in public
  • patriot's reputations could be irreparably harmed
  • We need torture trials
  • all for a trial, the right kind of trial
  • a fourth grade boy asked Condi:
  • law of double negatives
  • kid gave Dr. Colbert a great idea
    • trials should be conducted by children
  • kids will accept "I told you so" as a legitimate answer
    • explain to a jury of children
  • Mr. Bunny was a bad, bad bunny
  • President Raccoon
  • magical letter written by lawyer squirrels
  • let the children decide
  • children are the future, if we explain torture the right way, we will have a future where torture isn't wrong


  • working to make sure returning veterans will get the assistance they need
    • employment
    • medical care
    • education
  • we need the vest to betrayed like Rambo
  • If Reickhoff wears a wig ... !
  • believes Obama is off to a good start
    • funding
    • GI Bill
    • record keeping system
    • eliminated private health companies
  • what are the challenges
    • education
    • employment
    • healthcare
  • will make Dr. Colbert an honorary member
  • gave Stephen a special piece of gear that resembles his Target nipple birthmarks


  • Dr. Colbert asks The Heroes to remember that there is no "I" in team, unless Apple comes out with an application called iTeam. Get on it Jobs!


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