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The Colbert Report/Episode/552

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Production InfoEdit

FlyingEaglePREV
Previous Episode
Date:
May 5, 2009
Season:
Season5
Episode:
552
Production code:
5061
FlyingEagleNEXT
Next Episode


IntroEdit

Tonight
  • Souter Yourself
"AUDIO1"
  • Waterboarding Under The Bridge
"AUDIO2"
  • Game, Vet, Match
"AUDIO3"


Flag quote open clear2
Hey, Code Breakers! Here's a hint: try harder!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
May 5, 2009 The Colbert Report



SEGMENT1Edit

  • bright, shiny faces
  • amigos, compadres, muchachos
  • Annual Mexican holiday that commemorates the five jars of mayo that lasted 8 days
    • conga line
  • careful of swine flu
  • prepare three-bean dip
    • each kind is quarantined
  • covering all of it with cilantro
  • won't let him
  • will win man-pig-salsa competition


SEGMENT2Edit

  • Stephen is excited about Souter's retirement
  • if you need a lobotomy every year, you need a new lobotomist
  • gun club is declared
  • Robert Bork
    • speech by Ted Kennedy
    • anti-Bork commercial featuring Gregory Peck
    • editorial with Muppet
  • everyone knows who Obama will select
  • legalized stem cell research, they will have to grow the nominee in a petri dish
  • Souter was considered a conservative
  • Justice Dave Matthews
    • and flip like Souter
  • predicts close to zero chance that a white male will be chosen
  • many of the previous Supreme Court justices have been white males
  • firsts:
    • Jew- Louis Brandeis
    • black- Thurgood Marshall
    • woman- Sandra Day O'Connor
  • want a playmate for Kennedy
  • Obama is a Chicago politician
    • he has this thing and it'd fucking golden
    • may sell it
  • claims that Dr. Colbert has no chance to be Supreme Court justice

SEGMENT3Edit

  • Dr. Colbert believes Obama's decision terrorists will know how to prepare
  • if they know we will push them against a wall
    • instead of KSM, we'll face Koolaid Sheik Mohammad
  • how will we treat prisoners of the future
  • prisoners of public opinion
    • they can't go out in public
  • patriot's reputations could be irreparably harmed
  • We need torture trials
  • all for a trial, the right kind of trial
  • a fourth grade boy asked Condi:
  • law of double negatives
  • kid gave Dr. Colbert a great idea
    • trials should be conducted by children
  • kids will accept "I told you so" as a legitimate answer
    • explain to a jury of children
  • Mr. Bunny was a bad, bad bunny
  • President Raccoon
  • magical letter written by lawyer squirrels
  • let the children decide
  • children are the future, if we explain torture the right way, we will have a future where torture isn't wrong

InterviewEdit

  • working to make sure returning veterans will get the assistance they need
    • employment
    • medical care
    • education
  • we need the vest to betrayed like Rambo
  • If Reickhoff wears a wig ... !
  • believes Obama is off to a good start
    • funding
    • GI Bill
    • record keeping system
    • eliminated private health companies
  • what are the challenges
    • education
    • employment
    • healthcare
  • will make Dr. Colbert an honorary member
  • gave Stephen a special piece of gear that resembles his Target nipple birthmarks

EpilogueEdit

  • Dr. Colbert asks The Heroes to remember that there is no "I" in team, unless Apple comes out with an application called iTeam. Get on it Jobs!

GalleryEdit

Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

  • [URL Link Title]
  • [URL Link Title]

Reviews and CommentsEdit

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