The Colbert Report/Episode/550

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 30, 2009
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  • The O's C
"President Obama completes his first 100 days! Took him long enough!"
  • The Bong Show
"And my guest is drug legalization advocate Ethan Nadelmann! No one tell him I'm wearing a wire!"

Flag quote open clear2
I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but it takes 12,809 licks to get to the center of an iPhone!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 30, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • it sounded like "Moose"
    • Dr. Colbert's nickname in high school (he was so bulked up)
  • single Windsor knot
    • pretty racy
      • also wearing a single Windsor thong
  • hard to keep any job for 100 days
  • sensuous tongue bath
    • dangerous during a time of swine flu
  • now there's a horse flu!
  • some reporters neglected to wear a face mask when kissing Obama's bum
    • tough reporter for New York Times
  • profoundly
    • US military is the most enchanting
  • the land of 1,001 Arabian nights
    • play the pan flute
  • capture a sprite who will grant Stephen's wish for a war with Iran
  • not just for focusing on first 100 days are
    • also how meaningless the first 100 days are
  • healthiest skepticism from CBS evening news
    • innovations
  • old fashioned and pretty arbitrary
  • new exclusive methodology
  • President Obama: The First 14 Mondays
  • time honored way for judging
    • ever since Stephen yanked it out of his ass 15 seconds ago
  • true test of a president's mettle
    • Garfield's worst nightmare
  • serious case of the Mondays
    • February 15th
  • March 9th
    • singing executive order for stem cells research
      • wants to find cure for whatever's wrong with Joe Biden
  • Millard Fillmore's Tuesdays
  • NIxon's secret days he added to keep the Jews from controlling them


  • working on Obama: the First three full moons
    • is he a werewolf
  • 7th law of arbitrariness
  • FDR set the gold standard
    • his first Monday
  • how would compare FDR with Obama
  • FDR had a panic attack
  • violate all the traffic laws
    • ever since Presidents don't have to stop at traffic lights
  • 9th Monday ordered Americans to surrender all their gold
  • has not accomplished as much as FDR, but he's in his league
    • FDR did not play basketball
  • first regulation of Wall Street ever
    • and last
  • first national service program
  • first farm program
  • Social Security didn't happen for a couple years


  • might be a flashback
  • start Dark Side of the Moon ... now!
  • doesn't want to give anything to Stephen's kids
  • soft on crime
    • he calls it "smart" on crime
  • smoking a joint and whatever
    • huge loophole
    • freebase monkey brain
  • 40% say treat it like alcohol
    • he estimates 90% of The Heroes
      • applause means nothing; they're high
  • cannot compare alcohol with drugs
    • alcohol makes people courageous
  • compares border violence to Chicago during prohibition
  • tax and regulate
    • tax and toke liberals
  • used to be just about the weed, he has sold out
  • free market should decide primo bud
  • he is a criminal and none of his
    • smoked it when he has watched Dr. Colbert's show, but never while being interviewed
      • not on him
  • lots of politicians say let's have a debate
    • he says Congress is afraid
  • Stephen agrees we should have an open, public debate in Congress and public square
    • as long as we don't talk about torture


  • Dr. Colbert says to be sure to stick around for the after the show show, which is actually just Monday night's show


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