The Colbert Report/Episode/549

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 29, 2009
Production code:
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  • Retort Card
"Does our nation have an education problem!? For the answer, I'll flip to the back of the book!"
  • Hide from the Hog
"Then, more about the swine flu! Or, as America's pig farmers like to call it, bird flu!"
  • Punishment for Gluttons
"And my guest Dr. David Kessler thinks Americans eat too much! Which means he must have eyes!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, mom! Let me say in advance: Happy Belated Mother's Day!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 29, 2009 The Colbert Report

Obama's 100th DayEdit

  • applause is refreshing
    • usually the only standing ovation he gets is from his camera men
  • Obama's 100th day
  • got exactly what he wanted
    • an adorable new Senator
      • may be housebroken
  • one of his accomplishments
    • world tour of make-out sessions with America's enemies:
      • Venzuela's Chavez
      • China's Hu
      • Saudi Arabia's King Abdulluh
  • Obama may have too much influence
    • necktie denier Mahmoud Ahmadin-wecomefromthelandoficeandsnow-ejad revealed his re-election campaign slogan
      • not a horse French kissing the Loch Ness Monster
      • it is Farsi for "we can[1]"
  • Obama stole it from the Empire Canning Company of Syracuse, New York
  • Obama should have anticipated that Mahmoud was going to copy him and picked a different slogan
    • like "Yes We Can Stop Enriching Uranium And Give Up Our Nuclear Program"

I's On EdjukashunEdit

  • it's no secret public school teach kids all the wrong values
  • History
    • text books have a liberal bias
      • read from left to right
    • text books force students to read; should be in the title
  • pregnancy test of textbook
    • go to index and check the "Ronald Reagan" pages
  • Pop Quiz
    • Which statement reveals a liberal bias?
      • they all do
  • Civics
    • Obama signed Serve America Act
      • provide more classroom volunteers for schools
    • Ingraham mentioned "education centers"
  • Pop Quiz
    • if you have 75000 AmeriCorp volunteers
  • Students' Rights
    • officials stripped a 13-year-old student
      • Afterschool Specials are instructive and based on a true story
    • people stuck things in Breyer's underwear (mostly singles)
      • if he really shook it, he'd get a fiver
    • Scalia
  • Pop Quiz
    • slang term for marijuana
      • Correct answer: the cops are on the way; you better flush it

Swine FluEdit

  • everyone's talking about the swine flu
    • the CDC has released boring information
  • FOX knows better and is spreading ratings-sensitive
    • the new Black Death
    • SARS is so 2 years ago
  • Webcam questions from The Colbert Report Inbox
    • Enzyt might not cure swine flu, your johnson will be so mammoth you won't care
    • wear a surgical mask with a mouth hole
  • earliest symptoms is tasting like bacon
    • if you suspect someone is infected
      • scrap it off on the nearest
  • Susan Boyle has swine flu
  • Swine flu feeds on our fear
    • follow the rational advice of experts
  • if we don't we'll be doomed
    • excessive calmness may be a symptom of swine flu


  • former FDA Commission who believes Americans eat too much, looks like someone's getting kicked out of the
  • he is fascinated by the book
    • by fascinated he means enraged
  • manifest destiny is unbridled appetite
  • why control appetite
  • he believes in evolution
  • Americans must have a layer of fat in case of a famine
  • more people die of obesity than all infectious diseases and terrorism
  • Bin Laden is behind Dr. Colbert's Fry Daddy
  • behavioral pattern
    • excessive exposure of sugar, fat and salt
  • Christmas popcorn tins
  • in the pocket of Big someone
  • he used to be a fat, fat the water rat
  • the only way to lose weight
    • new learning: rehab
      • Dr. Colbert says, "No, no, no!"


  • Dr. Colbert reminds The Heroes not to forget to brush our teeth before we go to bed. That includes our feet teeth.


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