The Colbert Report/Episode/548

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 28, 2009
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  • Operation Desert Story
  • Prize Fighter
  • Gross Expenditures

Flag quote open clear2
the Colbert Report is filmed before whatever follows it!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 28, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • everyone has spring fever
  • another disease reached pandemic levels
  • officially out of control
    • mutated tore through the country
  • Republicans tried to fight it off
    • white cells weren't strong enough--although they're
  • mild fever
  • being 21 points behind in GOP polls
  • highly contageous
    • only one man has ever beaten it: Joe Lieberman


  • post dinosaur era
    • pre mole people enslavement
  • first & foremost as a journalist
    • first as an American
    • 2nd
    • 3rd journalist
  • Amanpour,
    • Rivera
  • risk their lives
    • Afghanistan
    • Somalia
  • only more dangerous newspaper office
  • there's got to be a way to protect yourself
    • atropine take in case of a nerve agent attack
  • can be lethal if you haven't been exposed
  • preparing to report on war is hell
  • lived in Baghdad prior to the invasion
  • Lebanon 2 weeks before the bombing
  • moving to Pakistan
  • thinks it's a real trouble spot
  • we pronounce things differently
  • 175 million people
  • nuculer weapons
  • Taliban is taking over more territory
  • possible could get control of nuculer weapons
    • maybe get fuel
  • war heads are secure
    • difficult to detonate
  • we could drop swine on them
    • they wouldn't expect it
  • not alot of leverage
  • U.S. policy to express concern; be worried
  • many news organizations have stopped reporting overseas
  • NBC is trying to redirect
  • just won a Peabody for coverage in Afghanistan
  • a little jealous
  • minimums to bring
    • steely dan poster
    • blowdryer
  • try and empathize with soldiers, try not to pretend to know more than they do
    • customary tip is one beer
  • speaks Arabic


  • the church may have forgiven Galileo
  • just robbed a bank to get out of jury duty
    • Stephen Wright headbanger music (clearly eritten by someone banging their head againsgt apiano)
  • gave awards to everyone
    • 15 awards were given out
    • only 16 (Glenn in sports)
  • World Barrista Championships
    • gripping
  • Winner was Wilem Davies from the UK
    • crowned with pretentious beret
  • the Barrista under his desk, Barry, didn't win
    • that means Stephen isn't getting the best coffee
  • the Footlocker near Stephen's feet is hiring (ask for manager Alan)
  • give it to whoever sleeps with Pricewaterhouse
    • Cooper is
  • eliminated Individual Performance category completely
    • make himself eligible for every other category
  • Outstanding Director
  • Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama
  • Outstanding Makeup for a Miniseries, Movie or Special
  • Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama
  • Outstanding Animated Program
  • Emmys: he awaits his Emmys
    • he wants on that memorial reel


  • Newsweek article
  • national savings rate is 5%
  • S&P companies have money not doing anything
  • Paradox of Thrift
    • is we all save, we all get poor
    • paradoxes often have contradictions
  • buying gives pleasure and jobs
  • we owe Bush an apologize
    • never said anything bad about Bush
  • need a reckless bubble
  • during the bubble we spent borrowed money
  • we will be like Japan
    • they have robots, heated toilet seats and robot toilet seats
  • they have hottubs and trains
  • Japan doesn't grow
    • very racist
  • not a lot of immigration,
  • we need to grow at 1.5% every year


  • Dr. Colbert says that no animals were harmed in the filming of this episode, but after the credits roll all bets are off!


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