The Colbert Report/Episode/546

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 23, 2009
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  • Walk of Blame
"Who's to blame for the economic crisis!? All I can say is: if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, the ducks probably did it!"
  • Birth Denouncement
"Then, more on the Obama birth certificate scandal! And, just in time; I was starting to worry about more important things!"
  • Have A Cow, Man
"And my guest Elizabeth Bintliff of Heifer International sends live animals to developing nations! If she really wanted to help, she'd send food!"

Flag quote open clear2
My show is suitable for ages 9 to 99! After that, you're Willard Scott's problem!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 23, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • floor has been replaced with trampoline
  • what he names his anatomical parts is no one's business but his own
    • he will twitter it
      • and not with his thumbs
  • Obama's releasing interrogation techinques
  • Dr. Colbert says dropping the f-bomb on air is against everything America stands for
  • Dr. Colbert's Spicy List
    • this is America, we do not whack
    • turd burglar
    • dry hump
    • boobies
    • circle {beep}
  • Samuel Jackson
    • MOnkey Fighting Snakes on This MOnday to friday Plane!
  • America does not freakin' say fucking on camera
  • Monkey fighter with a conscience


  • Americans are angry at lost savings
    • and angry at meds for keeping
  • Note to self: tewak dosage
  • who to specifically be mad at
    • defaulting hiome
    • gun control advocates
    • things that can be smashed
  • Hulk Inddpendent
  • tried blaming economic crisis on
    • Jim Cramers
  • lashing at who ever is handy
    • employees at a division of AIG
  • heckling car models
  • 3.7 million people laid off in the last 6 month
  • great business model
    • supply and demand
  • high demand to be angry
    • high supply easy target
  • hire unemployed
    • nut punch them
    • taser them
    • whack them on knee-caps
  • Win-win
  • we get our anger out
    • we get groceries
  • Brunt doubles might get angry themselves
    • pain it forward
  • anger bubble may burst
  • Dr. Colbert's plan doesn't fix things, but his goal is not to fix things
    • until we can all agree who to angry at, tearing each other apart is the best thing we've got


  • Dr. Colbert helped Bill Posey
    • introduced HR 1503
  • Posey's bill failed
  • couldn't get a co-sponsor
  • there's no reason to say that Posey is the part alligator
    • Dr. Colbert quelled the rumors
  • another baseless rumor is now rampant
    • illegitimate son of an alligator
  • his grandmother was a notorious crock-tease
    • suddenly very ugly
  • stop the gossip
    • requiring him to submit to a DNA test


  • livestock
    • cows, goats, chickens
  • feed themselves, sell the surplus
  • give a man a cow, you feed him for a day
    • teach the man to cow, he can feed himself for a lifetime
  • 50 different species of animals
    • very hard to milk a worm
  • produce manure for crops
  • Daisy the cow
  • in over 15 countries
    • including the US
  • also breed
  • anyone who receives an animal is obligated to give the offspring to others
    • promoting pre-marital cow sex
      • they try to marry the cows off
  • run the countries and cows through the terrorist network before including them in the program


  • Dr. Colbert just wants to say, "Good night, Daisy!"


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