The Colbert Report/Episode/543

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 20, 2009
Production code:
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  • Anger's Aweigh
"How to deal with the scourge of piracy! If only there were a form of transportation besides boats!"
  • Secede of Destruction
"Then, Governor Rick Perry says Texas might secede! Oklahoma better get to work on that border fence!"
  • Law & Border
"And my guest is Joe Arpaio America's Toughest Sheriff! Well, I gotta go flush my weed!"

Flag quote open clear2
Spoiler Alert: Ugly Ducking, you're actually a swan! An ugly swan!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 20, 2009 The Colbert Report

Pundits Discuss CastroEdit

  • Pundits discuss how they want to see Fidel Castro die
    • Peggy Noonan described her fantasy of Fidel Castro seeing see American tourists from his hospital bed jumping up and down and taking his picture as "a good way to go"
    • Sam Donaldson would like to be at Fidel Castro's bedside to ask him if he assassinated JFK on November 22, 1963
  • How does Sam Donaldson know when JFK was assassinated!?
    • Donaldson's hair was the grassy knoll


  • Dr. Colbert has been warning America for years about pirates
    • they're terrorizing us with more than just their puffy snacks
  • Somali pirates have hijacked many ships, including the Maersk Alabama
    • U.S. Navy rescued the captain and no one was hurt
      • assuming it doesn't hurt when you're shot in the head by a sniper
  • Obama's has a two-pronged plan to combat these pirates:
  1. tax top 2% of pirates
  2. Hillary Clinton suggests that when dealing with this 17th century crime, America needs a 21st century solution
  • Dr. Colbert wonders if that 21st century solution might be an anti-piracy iPhone ap, the iArr
"If we have 100 American wannabe Rambos patrolling the seas, it's probably a good way of getting/the job done."
  • Dr. Colbert is ripped and he has his own boat
  • As Privateer Colbert, he would:
    • ride the waves with his shirt open to the navel
    • storm pirate ships
    • save a beautiful lady hostages
    • command a crew of ghostly skeletons
    • all while his crab confidant plays him songs on seashells
  • Dr. Colbert welcomes his guest, a man whio doesn't have to fantasize about kicking pirate booty because he lived through it, Ken Quinn ([1]), the second mate of the Maersk Alabama
  • the second mate is twice as good as the first mate
  • the Maersk was flying the American flag
    • if they had been flying the Canadian flag, the pirates would have left them alone like so many backpackers in Europe
  • the pirates boarded the ship (which was nearly four stories high)
    • with a special ladder that could have been purchased from the Marine Supply catalog
    • instead of just having the older pirates throw the teenaged ones onboard
  • in the event of pirates boarding the ship, Quinn and his fellow merchant mariners:
    • took a muster (the military's word for roll call)
    • made sure all the doors were locked
    • 14 of them barricaded themselves in a void space for 10 hours
      • this is similar to what Dr. Colbert would have done, except he would have added weeping and begging
  • it wasn't clear if, after 10 hours locked in the room, whether they were sizing each other up to see who would get eaten
    • in long elevator rides, Dr. Colbert checks his fellow passengers for their marbling
  • Quinn vows he will go back to sea
    • lead a cheer for "American seamen"
    • will join Dr. Colbert on his two-man paddle boat to go after pirates

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the FingerEdit

  • Our Lord said,
LeftCherubLeftCherubJudge not, lest ye be judgedRightCherubRightCherub
~ The Holy Bible, Book of Stephen 4:20

  • recent Rassmussen Poll
    • 75% of Texans would not secede, which was part of their series on "Polls That Would Have Made Sense in 1868"
      • the next question would have been "Does Dr. Hiram J. Fixem's Menthylated Elixir Cure Horse Lung?" (it does)
  • Wag to Texans who want to stay in the U.S.
    • Dr. Colbert wants to know, "What's the matter Texas, are ya yella?"
    • he recommends that while the Democrats are tearing the country apart the only way to save it is to keep ripping!
  • Dr. Colbert suggests to Perry that if he wants $555 million without strings, he should make Texas a bank
  • when Texas joined the union in 1848, they joined with unique legal rights:
    • the right to secede
    • the right to set the world's record in executions every year
  • Dr. Colbert has always been against organic food
    • the only thing that Dr. Colbert would eat picked by a hippie is an autoharp
    • MACA sent first family a letter recommending they use current agricultural technology and recognize the value of America's current agricultural technologies
  • Dr. Colbert agrees, without the "technologies" MACA recommends the world wouldn't have Monsanto's Roundup Ready Soybeans, which are resistant to the herbicide, glyphosate
    • Dr. Colbert wonders if our crops are not doused with glyphosate, how will the run-off get into our fish!?
      • The Mob show their love for the taste of glyphosate
  • MACA knows that spraying our crops with an insecticide is like eating an apple pie with dibromochloropropane crust
  • after viewing a classic commercial for Raid! Dr. Colbert is reminded of Beefsteak-Raid-matoes!
    • after one bite all you could say was, "Mmm!" because your tongue was paralyzed


  • known as America's toughest sheriff, but can he teach Opie to be a man?
  • Dr. Colbert has respect for any man who wears a .45 caliber tie clip
    • might be loaded
  • famous for not taking any guff from his prisoners
    • instituted chain gangs for both male and female prisoners
    • makes them wear pink underwear (so they don't steal them and resell them)
    • banned smoking, coffee, movies, pornography, unrestricted TV
    • feed the inmates twice a day with meals costing no more than 15 and 20 cents
    • has a posse of 3,000
  • knowing all of this, Dr. Colbert asks why there are people outside picketing The Eagle's Nest?
    • people were chanting things about Joe The Sheriff
      • many things rhyme with Arpaio
  • he has been accused of abusing his power
  • focuses to much on illegal immigration
    • to the detriment of other law enforcement
  • Joe the Sheriff says they're liars and their accusations are a cop out
    • and that he locks up everybody who commits a crime
      • which is why Dr. Colbert has him on the show tonight (he doesn't trust some in his Mob)
  • he doesn't profile
    • he can discern people are Hispanicness without using his eyeballs
  • he won't show his ID to Stephen
    • his parents came to America illegally from Italy
  • has 160 deputies
    • received 5 weeks of trained by federal government agencies (ICE, Immigration and Customs)
    • any person committing a crime they come across they pursue immigration status as well (according to their "training")
  • Dr. Colbert asks Joe The Sheriff what behavior he would have to exhibit in order to be suspected of being an illegal immigrant
    • Joe The Sheriff lists a few:
      • speeding
      • cracked window
      • DUI
    • doesn't ask suspects for ID unless they're already committed a crime
  • he doesn't just throw people in jail without also asking for ID
    • he took an oath to enforce all laws and abide by the Constitution
    • he follows all the laws including Habeas Corpus
  • Joe The Sheriff favors a border wall
    • Stephen wants one with a flaming pit of alligators as well
    • Mexico may have ladder technology
  • was regional director of Mexico
  • still won't show his I.D.
    • is carrying a weapon--which might be loaded--giving Sheriff Stephen probable cause to take him in
  • Dr. Colbert suggests the wall be made out of jails
    • when they try to jump over, they fall right in, and you lock the door


  • Dr. Colbert's only regret was all the stuff he had to cut because His Mob wouldn't stop cheering!
    • this was followed by more cheering


This is an abbreviated gallery. For the full gallery, click here

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