The Colbert Report/Episode/541

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 15, 2009
Production code:
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  • Tax Atax
"It's tax day! Or, as many Americans call it, 'OH MY GOD IT'S 11:30!'"
  • Bring In Da 'Nois
"Plus, I profile the Illinois district that contains Peoria! Hmm, I wonder if it will play there!?"
  • Tinker, Tailor, Lehrer, Spy
"And my guest PBS' Jim Lehrer has written a spy novel! It's great, except for the middle chapter where it asks you for a contribution!"

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Do not adjust your set, unless you want to make my face even redder!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
April 15, 2009 The Colbert Report

What Habeas CorpusEdit

  • Dr. Colbert was on The C-Desk waiting for his eagle to land
  • Obama displayed some real Presidential sack
    • hail to the beef
  • Bill of Rights lovers
    • like pirates, but Navy SEALs cannot shoot them in the head
  • Bargram detainees have a right to habeas corpus
    • guilty until forgotten about
  • Obama is denying them H.C.
    • they embarrass him by reminding him he was a Constitutional Scholar

Tax DayEdit

  • 25 minutes to declare yourself a soverign indian tribe
    • last of the Mohe-Colberts
  • he is enraged
    • how can the IRS take our tax money and give it to dictator Obama
  • Newt Gingrich
    • spontaneously sprung up without promotion from the media
  • Michael Steele urged republicans to send virtual teabag to Democrats
    • Steele is not welcomed
  • America's Lifepartner, Glenn Beck
    • live from the Alamo
  • Washington holed up in the Alamo fighting Nazi
    • Napoleon
  • Remember the Ewoks!
  • Stephen hopes Beck's occupation of the Alamo works out as well as the last one

Better Know A DistrictEdit

  • 200th birthday
    • paying staff in pennies
    • slowly driving wife insane
  • Illinois 18th
    • state capitol, Springfield
      • 4-year term, 20 year sentence
  • only home Lincoln ever owned
  • Peoria
    • mass production
    • residents are children of syphillitic booze-hound
  • home of Caterpillar
  • sat down with him before his mother called him in to dinner
  • doesn't know what the Fightin' 18th is
    • 20 districts
  • youngest member of congress
    • no hazing process
    • no spanking machine
    • no nicknames
  • TMZ says he has six-pack abs
  • believes Stephen is obsessed with his abs
    • there is chemistry, but they vow to be professional
  • has no reason to believe Obama wasn't a citizen
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't want to bring it up
    • he denies it
  • he's the new face of the republican party
    • what he's doing to make sure Obama fails
      • if Obama succeeds, proves socialism works
  • did not vote for stim bill
    • won't take dirty money
  • pro-Stimulus for Illinois
  • pro-Life
  • pro-gun
  • he is courage to swim against the tide
    • protects the unborn
  • fetuses with guns
  • by definition fetuses are alive
    • and can bear arms
  • took the time to schock and awe


  • Jim Lehrer
  • did not write a spy novel, whoever gave you that information must be a spy
  • Dr. Colbert is impressed
    • his 19th novel
  • does News Hour 5 nights a week for 35 years
  • he types as he reports the news
  • easier to make up novels, or make up news
  • he says it's easier to report the news
    • Dr. C
  • Lehrer has never tried to make up the news
    • Sweden invaded England
    • the tea parties are from the grassroots up
  • PBS is not covering the tea parties
  • spontaneously frogs appear on lily pads
  • why is he drawn to fiction
    • O Henry said, "I wanted to go to where he could tell the truth."
      • this blew Stephen's mind
  • his first sex scene
    • why wait so long, when people think Jim Lehrer, they think sex
      • big believer in research
  • Johnny had several wet dreams
    • Johnny feel wonderously spectacular
  • why does he need an hour to cover the news
    • Dr. Colbert can do it in a half hour
      • Stephen talks faster than he does; Lehrer talks slowly, unemotional and proudly boring
  • takes real courage to be boring 5 nights a week on television
  • he's so boring he couldn't remember if he interviewed Lehrer or two buttons glued to a piece of balsa wood
    • he was enraged


  • Dr. Colbert expects a summary with special emphasis on the literary devices used on his desk by tomorrow morning @ 9 am
    • will accept the excuse the excuse, "I'm lazy."


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