The Colbert Report/Episode/540

< The Colbert Report | Episode

12,431pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Talk0 Share

Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 14, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode


  • Debt Offensive
"The government tries to regulate small loans! You know, it's not the size of the loan, it's how you default on it!"
  • Houston, We Have An Answer
"An, NASA will announce the name of their space node! I'm so excited I could burst ... unless that's the alien in my chest!"
  • Our Bodies, Myself
"Then, my guest Susie Orbach wants us to rethink the way we view our bodies! Fine, but I cannot fit any more mirrors in my bathroom!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, Navy SEALs! Why don't you take a crack at Captain Morgan! That guy made me feel like I was held captive in a boat for five days!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 14, 2009 The Colbert Report

Clarence Thomas And The CourtEdit

  • It's no secret that Dr. Colbert is a role model
    • puts his name on the safest five-hour energy drink for kids,
    • Funergy
  • it's like carbonated ritalin (in that it's carbonated ritalin)
  • Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas did his part to inspire the kids of America
    • spoke to the winners of a high school essay contest
      • theme was "Agree with Justice Scalia in 500 words or less"
      • there's a proliferation of rights (as if they gave them to everybody)
  • Articles of Obligation
    • if you got time to lean, you've got time to clean
    • employees must wash hands
    • if you want to go to the mall, bring little sister
  • some Americans believe we are owed things (like rights)
    • Clarence Thomas, one of the nine greatest judicial minds in the country, believes the dishwasher is a miracle
  • fascination with major appliances
    • called his time on the court "an ordeal"
    • told the students,
"That's one thing about this job, you get a little tired." (March 31, 2009)
  • Dr. Colbert suggests giving him the job he wants: Maytag repairman
    • lifetime appointment
    • sit around not asking any questions
    • don't have to ask a lot of questions
    • replace him with a dishwasher (KitcheAid Architect Series II)
      • must know where it sits regarding Roe v. Cascade
      • and Brown v. Cutting Board of Education

Banks & RegulationsEdit

  • Dr. Colbert is not a fan of regulation
    • let the market decide whether we should genetically modify corn until it can speak through its niblets
  • America has come to a new understanding about the role regulations should play in our economy
  • after Jimmy played several contradictory clips of people supporting/opposing regulations
    • Dr. Colbert admitted that he has never been as confused as when his accountant told him he could save money by giving it away to charity
  • a way for regulations and the free market to get along:
  • credit is harder to come by than a brunette on Fox News
  • tough to get a loan from Bank of America
    • easy to get a loan from "Bank of Shifty-Looking Armenian Guy In A Track Suit"
  • Payday loans!
    • 400%-800%
    • great for anyone who gets a weekly 2,000% pay raise
  • Illinois Representative Luis Gutierrez
  • Gutierrez used to want to ban payday loans
    • but, now sees the virtue of reasonable regulations
  • changed his mind because he had no choice (Bullet Point suggested it was because Gutierrez is an Illinois politician),
  • Gutierrez described payday loan companies as
    • powerful whose influence should not be underestimated
    • his top contributor was a payday loan company
      • they only meant to donate $20, but out of habit, they charged themselves the usual interest
  • if Gutierrez's bill passes, it will end 800% interest rates on loans
  • loans will be limited to 780%
  • Dr. Colbert likes the bill because it legitimizes payday loan industry
    • nominal oversight
  • After the bill is passed a payday loan recipient will still feel as though a debt-pineapple is being shoved up their ass ...
    • but, they can rest assured that the pineapple meets the strictest federal guidelines
  • great example for regulation everywhere
  • Dr. Colbert urges limitations be put on how much dioxine can be dumped into America's waterways to 5,000 barrels a day--better yet, 7,500 barrels a day would be okay
    • Stephen doesn't want too tell dioxin how to run their businesses (they're a sponsor)
  • there's no reason why we can't regulate harmful practices that pleases everyone
  • one thing that's clear
    • it's the industry's cake and the consumers can eat it

NASA Node Naming!Edit

  • kid in candy store who's having a space station node named after him
    • because he's having a space station node after him
  • took cough syrup
    • he feels like he's floating
  • Colbert won NASA's online voting
    • second was Serenity
    • in last place with 7 votes was "Fart Monkey" (Dr. Colbert submitted it 7 times)
  • This is democracy
    • demonstrate bold and noble challenges
      • everyone voted to launch the chimps first
  • save from Zombie Dragon Onslaught
  • gets gamey in the ISS after a while
    • everyone smells each other it's all right
  • ran the first marathon in space
  • NASA Node 3 will be called "Tranquility"
  • Stephen was assured his name will be in space
    • in a very important place
  • to be launched
  • Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill
    • everyone will communicate
  • running on the treadmill will power the space station
  • the Node is just the box for the treadmill


  • think of our bodies differently; everyone should be more self-conscious
  • her book doesn't have pictures
  • we have problems with our bodies
  • an anti-diet book

  • myth of obesity
  • Dr. Colbert has been to the Midwest, Cheesecake factory
    • the legends are true
  • George Clooney's ego tips the scales
  • if we can't obsess with our bodies, what can we obsess about?
  • layers of pant
  • other things to worry about aren't worthwhile because we're fat and ugly
  • she doesn't worry because she has an English accent
    • she can use to lose a few pounds
  • Colombia has more plastic surgery than Americans
    • and Brazilians
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't want people to feel bad about themselves


  • Dr. Colbert wishes everyone (and Helen) a good night!


Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

  • [URL Link Title]
  • [URL Link Title]

Reviews and CommentsEdit


Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.

Also on Fandom

Random Wiki