The Colbert Report/Episode/540

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 14, 2009
Production code:
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  • Debt Offensive
"The government tries to regulate small loans! You know, it's not the size of the loan, it's how you default on it!"
  • Houston, We Have An Answer
"An, NASA will announce the name of their space node! I'm so excited I could burst ... unless that's the alien in my chest!"
  • Our Bodies, Myself
"Then, my guest Susie Orbach wants us to rethink the way we view our bodies! Fine, but I cannot fit any more mirrors in my bathroom!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, Navy SEALs! Why don't you take a crack at Captain Morgan! That guy made me feel like I was held captive in a boat for five days!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 14, 2009 The Colbert Report

Clarence Thomas And The CourtEdit

  • It's no secret that Dr. Colbert is a role model
    • puts his name on the safest five-hour energy drink for kids,
    • Funergy
  • it's like carbonated ritalin (in that it's carbonated ritalin)
  • Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas did his part to inspire the kids of America
    • spoke to the winners of a high school essay contest
      • theme was "Agree with Justice Scalia in 500 words or less"
      • there's a proliferation of rights (as if they gave them to everybody)
  • Articles of Obligation
    • if you got time to lean, you've got time to clean
    • employees must wash hands
    • if you want to go to the mall, bring little sister
  • some Americans believe we are owed things (like rights)
    • Clarence Thomas, one of the nine greatest judicial minds in the country, believes the dishwasher is a miracle
  • fascination with major appliances
    • called his time on the court "an ordeal"
    • told the students,
"That's one thing about this job, you get a little tired." (March 31, 2009)
  • Dr. Colbert suggests giving him the job he wants: Maytag repairman
    • lifetime appointment
    • sit around not asking any questions
    • don't have to ask a lot of questions
    • replace him with a dishwasher (KitcheAid Architect Series II)
      • must know where it sits regarding Roe v. Cascade
      • and Brown v. Cutting Board of Education

Banks & RegulationsEdit

  • Dr. Colbert is not a fan of regulation
    • let the market decide whether we should genetically modify corn until it can speak through its niblets
  • America has come to a new understanding about the role regulations should play in our economy
  • after Jimmy played several contradictory clips of people supporting/opposing regulations
    • Dr. Colbert admitted that he has never been as confused as when his accountant told him he could save money by giving it away to charity
  • a way for regulations and the free market to get along:
  • credit is harder to come by than a brunette on Fox News
  • tough to get a loan from Bank of America
    • easy to get a loan from "Bank of Shifty-Looking Armenian Guy In A Track Suit"
  • Payday loans!
    • 400%-800%
    • great for anyone who gets a weekly 2,000% pay raise
  • Illinois Representative Luis Gutierrez
  • Gutierrez used to want to ban payday loans
    • but, now sees the virtue of reasonable regulations
  • changed his mind because he had no choice (Bullet Point suggested it was because Gutierrez is an Illinois politician),
  • Gutierrez described payday loan companies as
    • powerful whose influence should not be underestimated
    • his top contributor was a payday loan company
      • they only meant to donate $20, but out of habit, they charged themselves the usual interest
  • if Gutierrez's bill passes, it will end 800% interest rates on loans
  • loans will be limited to 780%
  • Dr. Colbert likes the bill because it legitimizes payday loan industry
    • nominal oversight
  • After the bill is passed a payday loan recipient will still feel as though a debt-pineapple is being shoved up their ass ...
    • but, they can rest assured that the pineapple meets the strictest federal guidelines
  • great example for regulation everywhere
  • Dr. Colbert urges limitations be put on how much dioxine can be dumped into America's waterways to 5,000 barrels a day--better yet, 7,500 barrels a day would be okay
    • Stephen doesn't want too tell dioxin how to run their businesses (they're a sponsor)
  • there's no reason why we can't regulate harmful practices that pleases everyone
  • one thing that's clear
    • it's the industry's cake and the consumers can eat it

NASA Node Naming!Edit

  • kid in candy store who's having a space station node named after him
    • because he's having a space station node after him
  • took cough syrup
    • he feels like he's floating
  • Colbert won NASA's online voting
    • second was Serenity
    • in last place with 7 votes was "Fart Monkey" (Dr. Colbert submitted it 7 times)
  • This is democracy
    • demonstrate bold and noble challenges
      • everyone voted to launch the chimps first
  • save from Zombie Dragon Onslaught
  • gets gamey in the ISS after a while
    • everyone smells each other it's all right
  • ran the first marathon in space
  • NASA Node 3 will be called "Tranquility"
  • Stephen was assured his name will be in space
    • in a very important place
  • to be launched
  • Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill
    • everyone will communicate
  • running on the treadmill will power the space station
  • the Node is just the box for the treadmill


  • think of our bodies differently; everyone should be more self-conscious
  • her book doesn't have pictures
  • we have problems with our bodies
  • an anti-diet book

  • myth of obesity
  • Dr. Colbert has been to the Midwest, Cheesecake factory
    • the legends are true
  • George Clooney's ego tips the scales
  • if we can't obsess with our bodies, what can we obsess about?
  • layers of pant
  • other things to worry about aren't worthwhile because we're fat and ugly
  • she doesn't worry because she has an English accent
    • she can use to lose a few pounds
  • Colombia has more plastic surgery than Americans
    • and Brazilians
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't want people to feel bad about themselves


  • Dr. Colbert wishes everyone (and Helen) a good night!


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