The Colbert Report/Episode/539

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 9, 2009
Production code:
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Show started without statements of truthiness

New York Times' Workman's Comp StoryEdit

  • rest your haunches
  • reckless reporting on workers compensation
    • lose one 1 ear 60 weeks salary
  • cash strapped Americans might be encouraged
  • 12 finger Pete is now 10 finger Pete, Esquire
  • Dr. Colbert needs his hands to chop off the other things

Threat DownEdit

#5 Defense Secretary Robert Gates

  • proposed defense budget
  • chopping budget 513-B to 534-B
  • F-22 ($150m) has 4 cup holders
  • 13,000 jobs will be lost

#4 Centegenarian pushers

  • old peole drug pushers
  • old people complain about their joints
  • watch old Eddie Cantor movies (yo gabba, gabba of its day)
  • mannequin discovered handcuffed to the door of a Bank of America
  • no one was hurt; no one works at Bank of America

#3 Mannequin Uprising

  • crashing our cars
  • Dr. Colbert hired a new security guard: Manny

#2 Dog seders

  • Passover Seder for dogs
  • threat to dog peace
  • Jewish dogs, then Christian dogs, Muslim dogs
  • dogs don't understand religion
  • all dogs are puppies of Abraham

#1 President Obama

  • bowed to Saudi King Abdulluh

What's The Matter With Hedgehogs?Edit

  • Dr. Colbert has good news
    • he has a severed toe
      • 38 weeks of pay
  • it has to be your own toe
  • word association
    • tricycle - we're all going to die
  • dangers remain
  • waiting for us in our sleep
  • Hedgehogs

dir public health for the Humane Society of the United States, Micahel Gregor

    • Carry diseases for which there is no cure!
  • Lawrence Mayor Mike Devor bans hedgehogs from the city limits
    • hedge-fiend "Judd" became obsessed
  • after listening to Judd
    • city council legalized hedgehogs in Lawrence
  • Hedgehog Armegeddon?
    • Hedgehog Pandemic?
      • A Containable Outbreak in Kansas?


  • says the Bible contradicts itself, so Jonah swallowed the whale!? Oh, please!
  • scholars have known for a long time that
    • books written by people who didn't write them
  • standard doctrines of Christianity
    • divitinity of christ
    • trinity
  • Gospel of John
    • Jesus
  • Saint Peter
  • he knows the early Jews better than the early Jews
  • the early interpretation of Jesus is the Jews' fault
  • did not see Jesus as a divine being, but as a human being
  • if it talks like a duck, walks like a duck and raises the dead like a duck ...
  • Jesus is portrayed as a human in early Christianity
    • Matthew, Mark, Luke and John (only divine in John)
  • God is not a fan of puns
    • one of the seven deadly sins
  • has a problem with conflicting versions of Jesus' crucifixion
    • he is nitpicking
  • in Mark he doesn't know why
    • why hath thou forsaken me?
  • in Luke not in agony, more concerned with the people watching
    • father into your hands
  • Dr. Colbert tells
    • 4 different blind men stumble around the jungle and fall into a pit, where an elephant has already fallen
      • they all declare the elephant to be different than the others; one thinks it's a wall, another thinks it's a tree, the third thinks it's a snake and the last one thinks it's a spear
  • Ehrman missed the point that Jesus is an elephant and each of the 4 men can only see part of Him


  • Dr. Colbert returned from the break after cutting off all his body parts--he is now just a head on a silver platter


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