The Colbert Report/Episode/538

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 8, 2009
Production code:
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  • Gulf Course
"An update on my trip to the Persian Gulf! I can't wait be in a region with a more stable economy!"
  • Let Slip The Dog's Award
"Then, I choose my Alpha Dog of the Week! See Obama, it's not so hard to pick a dog!"
  • Paper On Fire
"Andy my guest Phil Bronstein discusses the impending death of the newspaper industry! Where will they print the obituary!?"

Flag quote open clear2
Put your money where your mouth is! It's a lot safer than a bank!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 8, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert has been waiting his entire life awaiting en event
    • son to sacrificial alter before God makes his move
  • New york Times fuill page ad
    • 28 years (sharp turns in those words)
  • sun returns
    • 6,000 years ago to collect $200
  • only 3
    • prior to escaping
    • prior to escaping Purim
  • Hebrew to gregorian iPhone ap
    • 5769 is right now!
  • can only one thing
  • one hasn't finished doing his taxes
    • he still has his Asians
  • to part the security guards
  • they didn't finish Dr. Colbert's pyramid
    • Jimmy will ready the chariot to get after them


  • Where in the world is Matt Lauer
    • lost Jews
  • Stephen was hoping this would be the year to lose him
  • Stephen will go on his own extravagant trip
    • To the Persian gulf
  • fertile crescent
  • Pentagon won't let him know which country or when country
  • Adopt don't ask don't tell policy
    • Stephen is bi-curious
  • somewhere in the eye slit of Stephen's burqa-covered
    • Seven countries, where the US has troops
  • press your luck board
    • no sunnis, no sunnis, no sunnis ...
  • is it Bahrain?
    • may wear the Cher outfit
    • HQ of 5th fleet
    • make it unpleasant for pirates
  • 3.5x the size of D.C.
    • 10 times more influence in Congress
  • King al-Kalifa
    • women vote
    • may gain right to leave the house
  • need to prepare
    • Stephen has been weight training
      • can press a stapler all the way down
        • needs to warm up (abs were targeted)
  • always be wearing SPF 45
  • hired a fleet of body doubles to confuse the enemy
  • when their shirts are off, it's hard to tell them apart
    • Stephen will wear a big gold "S" on his chest

Alpha Dog of the WeekEdit

  • if you ask a regular dog, what's on top of the
    • a hot tub for all my bitches!
  • former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens
    • swings so much Alaskan pipeline, he earmarked the bridge to nowhere
  • Stevens became head dog of the Ballditerod(sp)
  • Steven's two great loves
    • fishing
    • taking bribes
  • knows many words for snow job
  • the truth came out; Stevens was exonerated
  • Stevens could have squandered
    • equated his experience with the very people
  • stirring words for seeking justice for others
    • as long as those others are you


  • newspaper editor
  • he is applying for a job
    • they aren't hiring right now, tough economy
  • Stephen read about the dying newspaper
    • in a newspaper
  • like going to a bar and saying who wants to buy me a drink; I have herpes
  • variety of things killing newspaper
    • Stephen may be one of them
  • Google isn't helping
  • AOL gets it's news from newspapers
  • editor of San Francisco Chronicle
    • may hang in there
  • 10 years ago newspapers decided not to charge for online content
    • Adam and Eve moment
      • Eve may have been charging for something
  • newspapers are the only thing that supports rooms of journalists
  • niche market newspaper
    • make special stories for certain people
  • farmers can go to the G20
  • solution
    • Napster didn't hurt music industry
  • gold rush industry
  • iTunes
    • there may be a jail term for people who don't pay for their news
  • Center for Investigative Reporting
  • if newspapers hold the powerful to account through investigations
    • if they go away; we may enter golden age of corruption
      • Stephen might be able to make a buck out of it
  • handheld won't tell you if a local politician is a crook
    • can get naked pictures from the political crook


  • Dr. Colbert wants The Heroes to remember that you can save a tree, sign up for The Colbert Report's electronic edition
    • far too many people still get the show on cable!


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