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The Colbert Report/Episode/537

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Production InfoEdit

FlyingEaglePREV
Previous Episode
Date:
April 7, 2009
Season:
Season5
Episode:
537
Production code:
5046
FlyingEagleNEXT
Next Episode


IntroEdit

Tonight
  • Most Flee T.V.
"Are TV networks desperate for revenue!? Find out more on an all-new episode of "How I Met Your Pepsi"!"
  • New York State of Mine
"And, I explore New York's 25th district! It may be 25th in number, but in my heart!? It's twelfth!"
  • On Her Majesty's Stephen Service
"Then, my guest Queen Noor wants to rid the world of nuculer weapons! Sounds like somebody doesn't have nuculer weapons!"


Flag quote open clear2
Vermont just legalized gay marriage! Ben, you can finally propose to Jerry!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 7, 2009 The Colbert Report



SEGMENT1Edit

  • Dr. Colbert is a little nervous, Queen Noor is on the show, but she's not his first royal
    • John Kin
    • Larry King
    • Fresh Prince of Bel Air
  • Michele Obama gave the Queen a reach around
  • Dr. Colbert will wear surgical gloves
    • and shaking hands with a reacher-grabber
      • the proper way to touch royalty
  • TV is on life support
    • that gasp your hearing is not just from 60 Minutes
  • Advertising Age
    • revenue drop
  • PBS
    • CSI:Library
  • Morally Bankrupt
    • from Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation
      • Promotes socially conscious programs all around the world
  • reached out to TV producers
    • message placement in shows
    • pro-social messages
  • husbands fat and dumb
  • wives don't want us to have any fun
  • black women are sassy and wise
  • higher cause
    • made deal all Viacom networks
  • Dr. Colbert is about to grow a conscience, but only after the check clears
  • bold, new business model
  • pay for cursory positive messages
  • put wholesome into reruns
  • Dr. Colbert awaits the Gate's cash flow
    • make TV a source for good, without removing any of the good stuff

Better Know A DistrictEdit

  • NY Dept of Health says not to eat
    • PBCs (put carp in belly)
  • carp caught in NY 25th
  • Palmyra
    • The Golden Plates
      • Won free tour of Jesus' chocolate factory
    • oldest miniature golf course
  • Erie Canal
    • opened 1825
    • Andrew Edward
      • Killed one of Stephen's ancestors
  • great place to grow up
    • working class families
  • home to Syracuse University
  • voted against his party 8/10 of 1%
  • he voted on the bill without reading it
  • Nancy Pelosi would eat his heart in front of the other people if he voted against
  • against NAFTA
    • safe
    • NAFTA may not be the same as NAMBLA
  • he needs to research NAMBL before voting against it
  • Star Trek fan
    • Spock in Mirror Mirror
  • wondered what it would be like if he had an evil twin, who could do what he wouldn't do, or say
  • "I enjoy cocaine because ..."
    • it gives him joy."
  • I enjoy the company of prostitutes, for the following reasons
    • it gives him joy
  • self-proclaimed nerd
  • always wished he was cool
    • drank a beer with Stephen
      • making them both cool
  • live long and prosper
    •  ?
  • making Dr. Colbert awful close to better knowing Canada

InterviewEdit

  • wants to rid the world of nuculer weapons, switching to space-based death rays
  • he is allowed to shake her hands
  • written 2 books
  • chair of King Hussein
  • trying to make Queen Elizabeth look lazy
  • she is like Stephen in that she
  • may get a cable show
  • Global Zero is not a diet soft drink
    • initiative to rid the world of nuculer weapons
  • nuculer weapons keep up safe
  • cold-war mind-set
  • US can't return ours first
    • we can be trusted we know how bad it is
  • Russia and US have the most nuculer weapons
  • 40 countries has enough to make 100,000 more nuculer weapons
  • she is calling for Israel to bomb Iran
  • she said the Colbert Nation gets it
  • has proven he is a leader
  • mobilized over 230,000 votes
  • asked Dr. Colbert to sign on to the Global Zero initiative
    • she has to knight him first
  • Stephen provided the sword
    • now that she has the sword, he has to sign first
      • proof that she has negotiated before
  • beknighted him, Sir Stephen leader of the Colbert Nation

EpilogueEdit

  • Dr. Colbert hiccup-free since two-thousand and ...
    • Jimmy will have to reset the clock

GalleryEdit

Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

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  • [URL Link Title]

Reviews and CommentsEdit

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