The Colbert Report/Episode/534

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 1, 2009
Production code:
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  • Stock Answer
"The take-home message about this economy: there is nothing to take and you have no home!"
  • Kings Of The Pill
"Then, doctors may have found a new miracle cure! But, who would want to cure miracles!?"
  • Hold The Moyo
"And my guest Dambisa Moyo says we should stop sending aid to Africa! It's all in my new song, "We Aren't The World"!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, songbirds nesting outside my window!? You are now eighty-two months behind on your rent!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 1, 2009 The Colbert Report

This Week In French Rioting NewsEdit

  • thank America to make the choice to
  • soaked with gasoline, Stephen is a strike any where match
  • people are desparate
  • French have gone loco in the bagette
    • kidnapped bosses locked them in invisible boxes
  • 3M boss was locked in his office
    • French government gave him 6 months vacation
  • 3M is like a kidnapping super store
  • once again Americans will have to show the French how it's done
    • just like we did with the mustache
      • which is how we
  • Dr. Colbert has kidnapped Sumner Redstone
    • in crawl space, eating from an automatic cat feeder
  • April Fools, that's not actually Sumner Redstone!

The EconomyEdit

  • G20 summit in London
  • Slovenia
  • Laos
  • $cienbtology
  • Obama arrived
    • goal fix shattered global economy
    • that's why it's a full day
  • even Dr. Colbert gets confused
    • Timothy Geithner made one thing clear, he doesn't want to be near any of it
  • everythign is changing too fast
    • the only eternal thing: Matthew McConaughey shirtless on the beach
      • oh, no with a wife and baby!
  • Geithner released his plan
    • Dow went up 500 points
  • Dow is easy to understand
    • stock price of 30 companies
      • uses average
  • BofA
  • McDonald's
  • when the line goes up, things are okay
    • things are always better
  • the market had spoken
  • Dow speaks in language meaningless to most Americans
  • record highs
    • 6 millions more Americans went into poverty
    • wages
  • new index
    • just as meaningless
    • always goes up
  • The Line
    • currently at 36,000
    • can be gold
    • and the boobies are huge
  • complex algorithm
  • secretary of the line
    • Alan Bronstein
  • projects confidence and zazz
  • we need something we can control, when everything is out of control
    • something we can hold onto no matter how thin the thread

Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. Edit

  • bedside manner insists on cuddling
  • Cheating Death!
  • Prescott Pharmaceuticals, you're a customer for life, no matter how short that may be
  • Reproductive Health
    • clearance sale at
  • Slim Tot Baby Appetite Suppressant
  • Formula $3.99
    • all the sperm doesn't meet the 401 standards
  • side effects

ankle bearding precocious kidney hungry, hungry hipbones

  • Heart Health
    • PolyPil
  • Dr. Nancy Sneiderman says drugs are cool
    • can hardly tell it's Spring Break
  • why stop at 5 medications
    • Ulta VaxaMax
    • just one a day
      • take it with food, includes full turkey dinner
  • side effects
    • doesn't include

spaghetti ovaries

  • pattern baldness

Lou ferrignoes

  • Colon Health
    • Miami colonoscopies
  • Prescott introduces: disposable endoscopes
    • guaranteed clean, once is plenty
    • and military-grade
  • Remember, use a gentle twisting motion
  • side effects
    • scrotal bassoon
    • Jimmy Crackcorns
    • Harper subscriptions
  • At Prescott Pharmaceuticals, we bring good things to life (and bad things that we keep in cages)


  • Dr. Colbert has felt guilty for doing nothing
  • send boots, bootstraps
  • better way to help Africa
  • if not aid, will we have more money for ourselves
    • AIG guys
  • what's better than aid
  • positive ways to support people
    • free market, a regulated fashion, which isn't free
  • how did Africa get so poor?
    • no sub-prime market
  • money is used in corruption
  • inflation
  • debt burden
  • intention is good
    • model doesn't work
  • book talks about model does work
  • CARE, UNICEF are pyramid schemes
  • concentration job creation
  • aid groups bandaid solution
  • Diamond companies donate all the time
  • mobile communications'
  • banking
  • countries that are okay:
    • South Africa
    • Botswana
  • IMF predicts growth of 3%
  • blowing her chance of doing a duets album with Bono


  • Dr. Colbert just remembered he never finished a game of hide and seek when he was 7


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