The Colbert Report/Episode/533

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
March 31, 2009
Production code:
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  • Bent Like Beck
"Glenn Beck embarks on a new crusade! This is your last warning windmills!"
  • Burying The Lead
"Then, is the internet killing the newspaper industry!? To find out, I will check Google news!"
  • Connect the Plotz
"And my guest David Plotz wrote a book about reading every word of The Bible! What a brown-noser! Why don't you ask God for extra homework!?"

Flag quote open clear2
I thought March was supposed to go out like a lamb!? Where's my mint jelly!?
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
March 31, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • The Mob was a little lat eon their cue
  • America has been on the brink of a national crisis
    • Obama's dog
  • The USA Today life section
    • quicker to write two books about getting the dog than it is to actually get the dog
  • one of the books is PC; showing
  • Dr. Colbert wrote his own book
    • in the end Biden is neutered


  • Dr. Colbert has been electrified by Glenn Beck
    • teetering on the edge of his tub
  • Glenn Beck fanatasy
    • he eats Stephen and become a part of him
  • hysterical Beck
    • celebrity guest
  • raging forest fire
    • when the smoke clears: democracy
  • We Surround Them
    • them's the ones we're surrounding
    • we're the voices in Beck's head
  • Beck's The 9/12 project
  • Dr. Colbert is ready!
    • adult diapers come in handy if you ever have to leave your bunker
  • Beck doesn't just mean the day after 9/11
    • 9 principles
    • 12 values
  • 9/12 project is not for the people effected by 9/11, just the people building their careers on it
  • Beck laid out exactly what he wanted and why
  • Dr. Colbert just loves Glenn Beck's sanity and fears for it
  • inspired by Beck;'s
  • loves his country and the musical Rent
    • glad he's wearing that diaper
  • on October 31
    • go house to house demand your neighbors
    • we will need quick energy
  • disguise yourself
    • Wolverine
    • spritely hobo
    • sexy nurse
  • we surround them and their trees
  • Nation, Dr. Colbert needs us to help him help us help him


  • newspaper industry
    • like a blogthat gets ink on your hands
  • Chicago Sun Times filed for bankruptcy
  • 7th installment
    • Better KNow A Lobby
    • Fightin' Newsies
  • Newspaper Association of America (NAA)
  • John Sturm
  • has the Sunday supplements to lead
  • the source for investigative reporting
  • local news
  • gives rise to most of the other news
  • Stephen suggests product placement
  • example: Obama declares war
  • online newspaper are doing well
    • they don't charge anything
  • don't milk a horse that's left the barn
  • compete on the internet, why don't newspapers have a huge porn section
  • he says they're not dead yet
  • advice to get newspaper healthy
    • stay in touch with audience
    • work with readers
    • reason for readers/advertisers to
  • doesn't know how knock-knock jokes work


  • he's not a Rabbi
  • the Bible we're taught in Sunday School is neat benevolent God, heroic exploits, clean
    • not really
  • Sampson
    • is a sociopath who tortures small animals
    • kicked ass in the name of The Lord
  • Jewish traditions
    • question the Bible
  • the lesson is: don't question God
  • he did not suffer like Job
    • at the end of Job because got everything back
      • still 10 kids and a good looking lady
  • he came out anti-God
    • like a great high school teacher
    • demanding God
      • mutual respect
  • heroic
    • Sampson, Jacob, Noah (not in-between; he was straight)
  • has a problem with Leviticus
    • cannot stone gay people


  • Dr. Colbert gives the answer to today's Sudoku: the numbers 0-9
    • then he mentions his disclaimer: "Spoiler Alert"


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