Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
March 30, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Stephen collects cars, not classics per se
    • owns several mid-sized sedans
    • 22 Buick La Crosses(s)


  • Me Time
"Is narcissism hurting America!? More importantly, how does my hair look!?"
  • BattleStephen Colbertia
"Then, something in space is going to be named after me! Not Uranus! My anus!"
  • Me & My Galileo
"And my guest Derrick Pitts is an expert on Galileo! My first question: "Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the fandango!?"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, former GM CEO Rick Wagoner! If you're looking for a job, I need someone to stand in my parking space!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
March 30, 2009 The Colbert Report

America's BorderEdit

  • hopes Americans are snug in their bunkers
  • Stephen goes sky kiting in one week
    • The nation goes down the toilet (or El Shittero)
  • violence between drug cartels in Mexico
    • John McCain's hometown became the kidnap capitol
  • left unchecked explosion of violence and drugs
    • explosion of Lou Dobbs' head
  • Obama doesn't get it
    • considering National Guard on the border
  • Stephen says that's not
    • just do it, consider it later along with excuses
  • hundreds of Americans are already in Mexico
    • taking shots for their country

Hey, Good Lookin'!Edit

  • Obama said We are the people, we've been
    • we look great
  • our moment of great narcissism
  • if we're not great, why does the world need up to the minute of everything we're doing?
    • updates facebook status
      • and tweeted about updating his Facebook
  • some decry our narcissism
  • Bloomberg news anti-narcissism
    • not what founder Michael Bloomberg
  • Dr. Drew decries celebrity narcissism
    • on his show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
  • being anti-narcissist is anti-America
    • self confidence
    • extreme good looks to rebuild this country
  • after considering the question
  • slate magazine Emily Yoffe wrote about narcissism
  • she wanted to see her name in print
    • specifically Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  • symptoms
    • think they're better
    • sexier
    • the world should bow down to them all the time
  • Stephen wonders what's wrong with it if it's true
  • a society filled with narcissists lack worshipers
  • narcissism is a cultural virus
  • economic disaster due to narcissist personality disorder
  • the economy and market is based on confidence
    • just pretend everything is okay
    • the market and the bubble would come back
  • she calls John Edwards a narcissist
  • all leaders need certain levels of narcissist
    • Gandhi, nothing more narcissistic than drinking one's own urine


  • a space node is a node-like structure connected to other nodes in space, etc.
  • The people have spoken and they've chose "COLBERT"
    • spirit of cooperation (didn't expect a whole bunch of people to get together and work against you)
  • Serenity, that's not a space station that's an adult diaper
    • great for watching March Madness without getting up
  • a hero has stepped forward: Chaka Fattah
    • insisted on democracy in orbit!
  • if we bring democracy to space, one day we can bring it to Minnesota
  • Fattah was an early it-getter (he appeared on Better Know A District)
  • Stephen urges Fattah's call for democracy in space
  • Dr. Colbert will seize space as an evil tyrant overlord!


  • Dr. Colbert is a taurus
    • Pitts predicts bad things
  • the moon will align with Mars
  • knows Chaka Fattah
  • believes NASA has to figure it out
    • and that it's a great idea
  • heretic, tried to undermine the word of God
  • only accused of heresy
    • didn't want the Church to reject Copernican solar system
  • the Bible proves Galileo is wrong
  • when you go outside and see the sun moving, that is empirical evidence
  • what did galileo do that was so great
    • used the telescope
  • Pitts brought a replica of
  • touch it with gloves on, to keep the heresy from getting on him
  • could see Jupiter, Saturn, the Moon and Venus
  • saw 4 moons of Jupiter
  • the gloves inspired
  • the Church forgave Galileo in 1992
    • overwhelming proof
    • only took 400 years
  • if Stephen doesn't accept it, he out-Popes the Pope
  • if Stephen accepts only the physical rules that he wants, does that make him a narcissist?
    • moves him closer to being the supreme ruler of the universe


  • If you're just joining, pretend that you've been applauding Dr. Colbert for the last 30 minutes


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