The Colbert Report/Episode/530

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
March 18, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert guesses who will be the guest on His Jewish Friend's program
    • it might be Tea Leoni
    • it might be Alexander Graham Bell


  • Fossil Fools
"Scientists dig up something unexpected! And, no, it's not a social life!"
  • Fortune 500 Lashes
"Then, Wall Street CEOs get capital punishment! In that we give them more capital!"
  • Filet of Cole
"And my guest Juan Cole says we should engage in a dialogue with the Muslim world! Fine, but we do all the talking!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, Bartlett's! Here's a quotation: put me in your book, or you're a jerk!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
March 18, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert saw something that shook him to the core
  • scientists found a fossil in the Arctic
    • calling it Predator X
    • Laura Ingraham will have to get a new nickname
  • this proved that Jesus had scuba gear
    • He had to have buried them 6,00 years ago
  • explains the wetsuit of Turin


  • no problem is too complex to
  • Dr. Colbert has to sharpen his pitchfork, for when he leads his Angry Mob later
    • some Wall Street fatcats have leathery skins
  • Obama condemned AIG's 165$ million in bonuses
    • spent money on justification e-Cards
  • Tonight's Word: Keeping Our Heads
  • corporations like AIG are too big to fail
    • someone must pay for what they've done
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't need to know how they're making him money
  • March Madness, NCAA tournament
    • 65, single-elimination tournament
  • opportunity for uninformed gambling
  • instead of basketball, hand-to-hand mortal combat in a thunderdome
    • packed with taxpayers
  • Round 1:
    • Citigroup v Bank of America
      • the winner will take on:
  • Thane v Blade-armed Manbeast from 300
  • the last man standing will take on the Moneysaurus
    • (footage of Moneysaurus taking on the CEO of Chrsyler--airbags didn't deploy, parachute did)
  • hysteria America's only growth industry
  • by losing our heads, we can hope to replenish the CEOs to keep the game going

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the FingerEdit

  • Dr. Colbert reminds us it's not polite to point; which is why he wags
  • selling children will be illegal
    • bring Mississippi into the 19th century
  • Wag for Mississippi legislators
    • can we afford another constraint on small business?
    • only industry with growth potential
  • Wag for Jerry Springer and Mauri Povich
    • relocating to Stamford, Connecticut
  • Tip to SciFi channel
    • changing name to SyFy


  • Dr. Colbert's guest says America should engage the Muslim world. Why buy the cow, when you can get the resentment for free?
  • Dr. Colbert has a message to the Muslim world
Islam is a great and true religion as told to Mohammed, Peace be upon him!
  • first page is blank, to be used as a white flag to surrender
  • discourages bullets and bombs
  • didn't know the surge worked
  • works at the Ivory tower of the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor
    • was too liberal for him
  • advocating an engagement of the other side's views
  • they like the United States
    • admiration of our ideals
    • don't like some of our policies
  • Tunisia, Egypt and Jordan don't chant in the streets
  • great silence to the people who say "Death To America"
    • which is true on The Colbert Report
  • 82% of the 10% who supported Al Qaeda want to stop terrorism
  • Juan Cole may be responsible for the banking crisis
  • what they want
    • they want development aid
    • stop occupying their countries
  • Dr. Colbert is hoping to Dubai
    • 5-star restaurant where they bring you your food on a MagLev train


  • Dr. Colbert is afraid that is all the time we have left, until he can get to Sam's Club and get more


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