The Colbert Report/Episode/526

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
March 11, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert discusses His Jewish Friend's guest for tomorrow's show, Jim Cramer
  • Dr. Colbert offered him a Lincoln to go easy on friend of The Report
    • betting on Jim Cramer is the only way Stephen can make back the money he lost by listening to Jim Cramer


  • Write-Wing Party
"Republicans turn to a classic novel for inspiration! It was the worst of times, it was the worster of times!"
  • Bitter Pill
"And, the Supreme Court issues a costly ruling against a major drug company! But, a much cheaper ruling against a generic drug company!"
  • Fineman vs. Fine Man
"Then, my guest Howard Fineman has written a book about great debates! My rebuttal: no he hasn't!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, Dr. Manhattan!? Where is your glowing blue medical degree!?
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
March 11, 2009 The Colbert Report

The WørdEdit

  • Obama proved he was an enemy of earmarks by signing the budget bill that contained 9,000 earmarks
  • changed the culture in Washington
    • to end the old way of doing business
  • it's hard to be poor
    • even harder to have a lot of money
  • was on success
    • war on achievement
    • subsidize loser's mortgages
  • turning to the book of a visionary
    • Ayn Rand's book Atlas Shrugged
  • Ayn Rand author philosopher, female comb-over pioneer
  • sales of the book rise every time Obama mentions bailout
    • it's gotten so desperate; Americans are reading!
  • the poor, or as Rand call them:
    • the moochers who claim your products by tears
  • the rich go on strike
    • John Gault
  • you have nothing to offer us, we do not need you
    • Conservative Bible
  • Rand fans:
    • Reagan
    • Alan Greenspan
    • satanist Anton LeVay
  • going Gault
    • rich scaling productivity
      • calculating
  • movers and shakers leave America and form their own countries
    • CEOs
    • House republicans
    • TV pundits
  • Dr. Colbert wants to find an island
    • made up of people who make society work
  • self-interested, type-As
  • Dr. Colbert will join you as soon as you
  • Dr. Colbert is going gault, putting The Report on hold
  • a 50-year old America that never existed when millions are losing jobs, homes and hope
  • nothing more important that putting yourself first

Bitter PillEdit

  • sometimes the most important medical discoveries are accidental
    • that's why Dr. Colbert operates blindfolded
  • Stephen reminds The Heroes that he is not a medical doctor; he has an honorary degree in Fine Arts
    • his genius won't be recognized until long after his patients are dead
  • Brought to you by Prescott
  • if you're not using Prescott, you probably saw that one episode of Law & Order

Health in The Courts

    • Supreme Court ruled 6-3 in favor of a Vermont musician. Fining Wyeth Pharmaceuticals $6.4 million after she lost her arms after using a Wyeth product
  • the ruling reminds us that just because a product is approved by the FDA doesn't make it safe
  • the ruling makes the pharmaceutical industry open to lawsuits
    • Prescott introduces first ever industry-targeted product: VaxaPlea
  • one dose will allow the vulnerable drug-makers to hide behind devastating mental illness (now that they no longer have the Supreme Court to hide behind)
    • release a lawsuit-resistant combination of mercury and oven cleaner that target the portions of the brain responsible for not seeing spider-demons
  • Side effects:
    • lung quake
    • facial cork boarding
    • eye-arrhea

Sweat Health

  • cosmetic surgeons can remove sweat glands with laser surgery
  • lasers are nature's cure-all
    • poor eye-sight
    • hair-removal
    • inability to find nipples during a slide show presentation
  • sweating may be necessary to prevent overheating, but the human body is adaptable
    • if we lose our the function of our sweat glands, we will learn to crap fire
  • Prescott's Water Seal
  • simply apply where ever you have pores to create a water-tight skin lacquer
    • WARNING: if the product comes into contact with your eyes, consult a taxidermist
  • Side effects
    • bearded thalamus
    • transsexual kidneys
    • rectal dyslexia

Pre-Natal Health

  • a Los Angeles fertility company offers parents the chance to "design" their children
  • pre-implantation genetic diagnosis, was originally meant to screen for diseases, but now it's used for:
    • selecting gender or
    • selecting physical traits
  • genetic technology has advanced to where parents can now pick the physical traits for their children, or "designer young 'uns"
    • the Los Angeles clinic may also offer in-utero spray tans
  • designer baby technology raises the question: what traits will parents select?
  • parents may pick short arms
  • for those who want custom babies without designer prices, Prescott Pharmaceuticals presents:
  • Build-A-Baby Workshop, coming to a mall near you
    • offering hundreds of different eye colors, from "Icy Blue" to Arctic Blue
    • eliminate unwanted family traits like Grandma's Weak Chin or Dad's ethical qualms about eugenics
  • Build-A-Baby, because no one should have to love just any baby™!
  • Side Effects
    • flu-namis
    • spontaneous myrrh tail
    • Honey-nut areola

Prescott Pharmaceuticals, we have a medicine for any ailment caused by our previous medicines


  • Stephen has 13 arguments before breakfast
  • 13 is lucky
    • 13 colonies
    • 13 stripes in the flag
  • history in the headlines
    • dive in and learn some history
    • make scratch
  • he is an inside beltway media elite
    • he decides what the rest of America
  • examples:
    • relationship between the government and the market
  • communal and communism have the same root
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't go to ice cream social
  • cannot sail across a country
  • do other countries have arguments?
  • France
    • eat cheese or smoke during our three-ways?
  • arguments are good
    • The civil war was the best thing to ever happen
    • guns
  • passionate about their arguments
    • accept the humanity of the people on the other side
    • may accept their idea is valid
  • essential to every argument that Dr. Colbert has:
    • the other guy's wrongness
  • One of the arguments: who is an American?
    • never seen Obama's birth certificate
  • we were a nation of immigrants, we are now a nation of Americans!
  • to save on time:
    • yes
    • no
    • yes
    • yes
    • kick ass & take names
    • only once in college


  • Dr. Colbert promises that if The Heroes clap for 23.5 hours straight, he will come back for an encore!


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