The Colbert Report/Episode/525

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
March 10, 2009
Production code:
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  • Steele Drummed
  • Space The Nation
  • Jay Makes Waste

Flag quote open clear2
I don't sugarcoat the news! I drench it in High Fructose Corn Syrup!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
March 10, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert wonders why he doesn't have more Bollywood dance numbers in his show
  • Steele is putting the GOP back on track
    • he's gotten himself into trouble
  • Ada Fisher wants him to resign
    • the sista is trippin'!
    • or buggin'
  • Fisher is referring to Steele's promise to hip-hop-up the GOP
  • Steele has accepted Dr. Colbert's challenge twice
  • first in
    • the it has yet to be on-brought
  • In The New York Times he said he would accept
  • Grand Master, the key to winning the rap battle is showing up to the battle
    • drop more science than a Kansas School board
  • he has left Dr. Colbert but to go gangsta
    • Stephen sent a rhyme to M C Steele's actual email account (prepare to download, etc)
    • along with great lawyer jokes
  • Stephen is not fronting; because he doesn't know what fronting means


  • Node Three of the International Space Station
    • The Heroes followed Dr. Colbert's commands to vote for his name!
  • top of the write-in suggestions
  • their picks is lead by "Serenity"
    • not a space module, its a Glade plug in
    • Keep voting!
  • other countries are muscling in on our action
  • India has thrown its turban into the ring
    • not content with stealing our Oscars, send astronauts to space in 2014
  • Iran manned space flight by 2021
    • deny existence of the sun or attack Jew-piter
  • America is fighting back
    • NASA sent up Kepler to look for Earth-like planets
  • Dr. Colbert cannot wait to taste Ewok
  • Uzbhekistan may send up interstellar goat
  • William Gerstenmaier (Bill)
    • NASA official in charge of space station operations
    • guested from Florida (an Earth-like planet)
  • will take a while to get to other possible Earth-like planets
  • Stephen says: "Do not stare at the sun, despite what NASA man says"
  • what a planet needs to be like Earth:
    • needs water
    • right temperature
    • out of this world taste of
    • ground control to major yum
  • Gerstenmaier doesn't know who keeps probing Dr. Colbert when he goes camping
  • no worry that the shuttle will hit space geese
    • will strap a scarecrow to the shuttle
    • they do have a stuffed owl to scare woodpeckers
  • holding an online vote on what to name Node 3
  • will commit to naming module after Colbert if he wins
    • they think too much


  • Dr. Colbert read something recently
    • drink more than 7 cups of coffee a day more likely to see ghosts
      • Dr. Colbert rides the brown horse
  • drinks several cups before going to sleep at night (to make it through all the boring dreams)
    • Starbucks installed beneath The C-Desk
      • they're out of toilet paper
  • Dr. Colbert's sudden-mid show McCartney Crashes are countered with the Demon Bean
    • he was driniking decaf!


  • Dr. Jay Keasling
  • microbiologist trying to find ways to burn energy
  • with the Joint Bio-Age (something, something)
    • sleeps under mylar blankets
  • engineer bacteria to make fuel
    • he is a mad scientist who plays God
  • stood over a boiling beaker saying "Those fools at the academy"
  • synthetic biology been around for 35 years
  • turn sugar to ethanol

(God beat him)

  • two microbes
    • turns pulp into sugar
    • takes sugar turns it into fuel (or drugs)
  • cheap anti-malaria drug
    • a hydrocarbon
  • injecting gas into third world babies
  • staphylococcus (or yeast) will fly planes
    • yeast infections will be good (not just a burning sensation)
  • will be done on a huge industrial scale (not in your backyard)
  • paper waste, plant waste, animal waste
    • cars that run on poop
  • microbial fuel


  • Dr. Colbert reminds The Heroes, if you're watching this in your bed with your spouse, you will see him in court!
    • he is suing you for making him an unwilling participant in your freaky three-way!


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