The Colbert Report/Episode/523

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
March 5, 2009
Production code:
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The Check-InEdit



  • The Bully Pundit
"The Obama Administration goes after pundits! John King set your magic screen to "stun!""
  • Air, Apparently
"And my guest Steven Johnson has a book called "The Invention of Air!" I hope he doesn't hold the patent, or I owe that guy a lot of money!"

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I retain all my vitamins because I am always steamed!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
March 5, 2009 The Colbert Report

Colbert May Like Obama After AllEdit

  • After welcoming His Mob, Dr. Colbert reminded everyone what yesterday was:
    • it was March the 4th
    • the 44th day in office for Barack Obama
    • the 44th president
  • Stephen admits he isn't an ancient gypsy woman, but he does know that any time a number is repeated that many times, something horrible happens
  • yesterday was no exception
    • for yesterday, Dr. Colbert began to like Barack Obama!
      • to their credit The Mob clapped to ward off the evil spirits
  • Dr. Colbert has to respect him because he bought his daughters a swing set for the South Lawn, which includes
    • a climbing wall
    • a tire swing
    • in the back, there's a slide (so you can pretend you're the Dow Jones Index!)
  • With all that he's got going on, how did he put it together in just 44 days!?
  • Dr. Colbert has been working on one for his kids for the last 9 years
    • the youngest is still lost somewhere inside it
      • he's fine; they lower in sandwiches

Stock MarketEdit

  • the opening bell now sounds like (ColbertSound this)
  • Dr. Colbert reviewed his financial portfolio, which caught fire as soon as he opened it
    • it's an improvement; last month it was filled with locusts
  • nothing that has been tried has worked
    • not giving the banks millions
    • not giving the banks billions
    • not even giving the banks trillions
  • when none of those plans worked, the Obama Administration began scapegoating the innocents: pundits
    • the first victim was Rick Santelli, who challenged Obama to put up a website allowing people to vote on whether anyone wants to subsidize the mortgages of losers
  • Dr. Colbert agrees that we should only subsidize winners, like AIG
    • any online voting would probably wind up subsidizing dancing silhouettes
  • the clip showing Santelli rousing the rabble on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange became very popular
    • half the people who saw it believed they were going to see the Dramatic Chipmunk
  • White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs (who is in the pocket of Big loser) attacked Santelli out of no where!
    • Gibbs said:
"It's tremendously important that for people, who rant on cable television to be responsible and understand what it is they're talking about."
  • Dr. Colbert reminds Gibbs that not only does he not have his own show on cable TV, but he also wouldn't know how hard it is to both fill a half hour and know what he's talking about!
    • Dr. Colbert has it down to a science: he keeps his mouth moving in the hopes that words keep coming out: robot lesbians in Vermont want to elect gay dog mayors!
  • throughout the crisis, the pundits have given Obama great advice:
    • Jimmy showed several clips of pundits giving great advice, such as:
      • be positive
      • give people encouragement
      • give people incentives
  • Dr. Colbert believes this advice is great and believes with the right incentives, people with no jobs and no savings could get huge mortgages, with no down payments
    • it's worked before


    • SUBLINK1
    • SUBLINK2



  • Dr. Colbert likes to leave The Heroes wanting more, by ending this episode with "good ..." (with the ending coming on Monday)


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