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Production InfoEdit

FlyingEaglePREV
Previous Episode
Date:
March 4, 2009
Season:
Season5
Episode:
522
Production code:
5031
FlyingEagleNEXT
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

IF A CHECK-IN OCCURS, SUMMARIZE IT HERE, OTHERWISE DELETE SECTION

IntroEdit

Tonight
  • As NASA As I Wanna Be
"Will NASA name part of the space station after me!? If I change my name to Stephen Urine Filtration System!? "
  • Beck To The Future
"Then, Glenn Beck takes us to the future in a time machine that runs on crazy juice!"
  • Aesthetic Demerit
"Plus, my guest Carl Wilson has written a book about bad taste! Ugh, how tacky!"


Flag quote open clear2
Birds of a feather stick together especially if they've flown into your glue trap!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
March 4, 2009 The Colbert Report



NASA Node 3 Online VotingEdit

  • he returns the love because we are an amazing team, saying
Flag quote open clear2
I can do anything we put your mind to!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen
to America's Heroes, his viewers


  • Dr. Colbert is pleased with the outcome and predicts that if the voting stays at their current levels he will be remembered forever
    • or at least until the Node burns up in a fiery re-entry
      • which is how he'd like to go out
  • Dr. Colbert also showed how "COLBERT" is now beating out former top vote-getter "XENU"
    • this is a feather in his cap
      • Or as they say at the Celebrity Center, "a real thetan in his SeaOrg!"
  • Dr. Colbert then describes Xenu's life story

Xenu's Life StoryEdit

  • 75 million years ago Xenu was an evil galactic dictator, who had some problem with billions of his people, who were then loaded onto space ships that looked exactly like DC-8s (he also charged them $25 if they had extra luggage)
  • Xenu sent these people to Earth, where their bodies were stacked around volcanoes, which were then blown up with hydrogen bombs
  • Stephen has decided it is believable, but could use a talking snake a virgin who has babies
  • due to his position above XENU in NASA's online vote, this makes Stephen $cientology's new galactic overlord!
  • he promises to be:
    • tough
    • but fair
    • but tough
  • as newly ascended overlord, COLBERT dons his Galactic Overlord uniform to address his followers:
"Pitiful Earth creatures! Do my bidding! Go to Colbert Nation dot com and follow the link to NASA's webpage! Vote for that space module to be named after me--COLBERT--your Galactic Overlord! Also, Tom Cruise, come on my show! Seriously, you'll do Kimmel, but you won't do me!? COLBERTNU OUT!"
  • Dr. Colbert makes the Galactic Overlord Uniform work

Glenn Beck's Great Show!Edit

  • Dr. Colbert cannot understated what a fantastic show Glenn Beck is doing over at Fox News
  • Stephen asks to give Glenn a direct message:
"Dude you are rockin' it."
  • Stephen knows Beck's critics say that:
    • he is an unstable individual
    • to give him a public forum is grossly irresponsible
  • But Stephen wants him to remember that they crucified Jesus
    • and encourages him to "crank up the crazy and break off the knob"
  • Glenn Beck's newest venture is called the "War Room"
  • Dr. Colbert gave The Heroes a look at Beck's crystal balls by viewing an edition of War Room from last week
  • Dr. Colbert uses a well-regarded television news formula, the "flames to Beck" ratio, which determines how frightening a segment is
    • the "flames to Beck" clip was expected to be as serious as a heart attack
    • and judging by the "chins to Beck" ratio the heart attack might be Beck's
  • Beck's first scenario was considered by:
    • Steven Moore, a writer with the Wall Street Journal
    • and Gerald Celente, who terrorizes Smurf Village
  • The Scenario?
    • the year is 2012
    • all U.S. banks have been nationalized
    • unemployment is between 12% and 20%
    • Dow is trading at 2800
    • commercial real estate market has collapsed
    • Stephen admits this scenario is the most terrifying future ever yanked from someone's ass
  • Beck chewed on some prediction peyote and took America on a basic cable vision quest
    • Celenta predicts:
      • major cities will look like Calcutta
      • people who are ignorant, functionally illiterate and whacked-out on drugs--hillbilly heroin, meth, etc with nothing to lose
  • Dr. Colbert points out that if the future does include people who are ignorant, illiterate hillbillies, there will be more viewers for Fox News
  • Dr. Colbert commends Beck for getting to the most important aspect of his doomsday scenario:
  • this news intrigues Stephen
    • he didn't know that the creepy old people who wander around malls aren't ghosts!?
  • Dr. Colbert remembers there is a reason Glenn Beck is doing this show:
    • a responsibility to prepare yourself for things that are not going to happen!

Stephen Colbert's Doom BunkerEdit

  • After the break, Dr. Colbert welcomes The Heroes to the Doom Bunker, where he will imagine some possible, future dire scenarios
DISCLAIMER:

Dr. Colbert is not saying that he thinks these things are going to happen. He's saying these things are going to happen. He thinks?


  • joining Dr. Colbert to discuss the hypothetical death of all that he loves is:
  • Jacobs is qualified to talk about dire scenarios
  • Moore is just as qualified because he was on Glenn Beck's "War Room"
    • Moore became terrified
  • Dr. Colbert ordered Jimmy to make more fog
  • Dr. Colbert warned his guests that he would propose a few scenarios, but he isn't looking for solutions
    • he just wants to talk about how horrible they would be

SCENARIO #1Edit

SCENARIO #1
  • the year is 2012
  • the Dow is trading below 1000
  • unemployment is at 40%
  • there is an armed insurrection in El Kañsas (pronounced el kahn-yawn-zas)
Please note: everything west of The Mississippi is now Mexico


  • militarily-speaking Jacobs says it will never happen
    • Dr. Colbert wants to know if the Army can fire on its own people
    • Jacobs clings to his assertion that there will not be an insurrection nor will the Army shoot its own people
  • economically-speaking Moore says the Eastern United States should not trade with Newer Mexico
    • and that he hopes NAFTA is still around
    • free trade is still good for the economy (even if there's only half an America)
    • Texans don't want to go to Mexico
    • but, it's okay if Kansas did

SCENARIO #2Edit

SCENARIO #2
  • the year is 2014
  • the Dow is trading below 250
  • Koala Pox wiped out all of the world's livestock
  • Soy beans have replaced money


  • Moore says scenario 2 is not going to happen
  • in world where our only source of protein is also our currency, Moore says to plant soy beans everywhere
  • Moore recommends not eating your money
    • Dr. Colbert agreed because you really will be shitting it away
  • for National Security reasons, Dr. Colbert could not divulge the information with Moore that he will now disclose to Col. Jacobs:
    • in 2014, America will have a werewolf Congress
  • after carefully considering this newly classified information, Jacobs tells Dr. Colbert that there are no werewolves
    • he insists that the Army would not use silver bullets (falling back on his insistence that werewolves do not exist)
  • Dr. Colbert swings back over to the other side of The C-Desk to discuss whether America can afford silver bullets with Stephen Moore
    • Dr. Colbert believes commodities will be very precious
      • Moore agrees that there will be hyper-inflation

SCENARIO #3Edit

SCENARIO #3
  • the year is 2019
  • the U.S. auto industry is gone
  • but, every car in America turns out to be a Decepticon


  • evil robots in every garage
    • robots with armed, mounted plasma-cannons that can then fold up and become a Camaro
  • may sound like the insane ramblings of a syphilitic brain, but, in a crazy world where monkeys eat meat, Dr. Colbert asks Col. Jacobs if America should go nuculer in Scenario #3
    • Jacobs says that Decepticons are only toys
    • Jacob says America would never shoot nuculer weapons at Decepticons
      • Dr. Colbert says we should keep them on the table

SCENARIO #4Edit

SCENARIO #4
  • the year is 2012
  • Obama's policies have worked
  • pulling out of Iraq was the right thing to do
  • stimulus plan has the Dow rebounding somewhere around 12,000
  • people's faith in the government is restored


  • Moore is dumbstruck
    • he cannot believe that socialism works
  • if Scenario #4 shows that the government might be able to do some things, Mr. Moore will have to rethink everything he believes in
    • Dr. Colbert prays that will never come to pass
POST-DISCLAIMER:

Dr. Colbert is not saying that these things are necessarily going to happen, but, if they do happen, it will be without warning!


InterviewEdit

  • his book is based on his research into the work of Celine Dion and the people who love her
    • including Mr. Wilson himself, who has a crush on her
  • going into the project, Wilson considered her music the most repulsive possible
    • after a year of research he has respect for it now
    • he likes some of it, but wouldn't call himself a fan
  • Wilson tries not to use the word "repulsive" anymore, when discussing taste
    • he used the book as a way to explore why we have taste wars with one another, using himself as a guinea pig to attempt to understand the popularity of Celine Dion
  • why she wears leather outfits is a delightful mystery
  • contrary to the Lats' phrase de gustibus non disputandum est (There is no accounting for taste), Wilson is literally trying to account for taste
    • flying in the face of thousands of years of wisdom
  • Wilson says there's a story behind everyone's taste
    • where one comes from
    • what one has been through
    • what one has been exposed to
  • what horrific experience would someone have to go through that Celine Dion would be the answer to?
    • Wilson doubts that it's a trauma
      • Dr. Colbert suggests that perhaps the trauma comes after the music, rather than before
  • people may be attracted to Dion because of the values attached to/associated with cultural objects, such as:
    • her rags to riches story
    • her loyalty to family
  • he deconstructed his own taste
    • he was a music critic
    • a big fan of hipster pop (like the band Ogre Milk)
    • attracted to subversive, extreme qualities of music
  • as a hipster, Wilson likes Celine Dion ironically
    • even though he believes it's sarcastic

EpilogueEdit

  • good night everybody!

GalleryEdit

This is an abbreviated gallery. For the full gallery, click here

Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

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Reviews and CommentsEdit

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