The Colbert Report/Episode/522

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
March 4, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit



  • As NASA As I Wanna Be
"Will NASA name part of the space station after me!? If I change my name to Stephen Urine Filtration System!? "
  • Beck To The Future
"Then, Glenn Beck takes us to the future in a time machine that runs on crazy juice!"
  • Aesthetic Demerit
"Plus, my guest Carl Wilson has written a book about bad taste! Ugh, how tacky!"

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Birds of a feather stick together especially if they've flown into your glue trap!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
March 4, 2009 The Colbert Report

NASA Node 3 Online VotingEdit

  • he returns the love because we are an amazing team, saying
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I can do anything we put your mind to!
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~ Stephen
to America's Heroes, his viewers

  • Dr. Colbert is pleased with the outcome and predicts that if the voting stays at their current levels he will be remembered forever
    • or at least until the Node burns up in a fiery re-entry
      • which is how he'd like to go out
  • Dr. Colbert also showed how "COLBERT" is now beating out former top vote-getter "XENU"
    • this is a feather in his cap
      • Or as they say at the Celebrity Center, "a real thetan in his SeaOrg!"
  • Dr. Colbert then describes Xenu's life story

Xenu's Life StoryEdit

  • 75 million years ago Xenu was an evil galactic dictator, who had some problem with billions of his people, who were then loaded onto space ships that looked exactly like DC-8s (he also charged them $25 if they had extra luggage)
  • Xenu sent these people to Earth, where their bodies were stacked around volcanoes, which were then blown up with hydrogen bombs
  • Stephen has decided it is believable, but could use a talking snake a virgin who has babies
  • due to his position above XENU in NASA's online vote, this makes Stephen $cientology's new galactic overlord!
  • he promises to be:
    • tough
    • but fair
    • but tough
  • as newly ascended overlord, COLBERT dons his Galactic Overlord uniform to address his followers:
"Pitiful Earth creatures! Do my bidding! Go to Colbert Nation dot com and follow the link to NASA's webpage! Vote for that space module to be named after me--COLBERT--your Galactic Overlord! Also, Tom Cruise, come on my show! Seriously, you'll do Kimmel, but you won't do me!? COLBERTNU OUT!"
  • Dr. Colbert makes the Galactic Overlord Uniform work

Glenn Beck's Great Show!Edit

  • Dr. Colbert cannot understated what a fantastic show Glenn Beck is doing over at Fox News
  • Stephen asks to give Glenn a direct message:
"Dude you are rockin' it."
  • Stephen knows Beck's critics say that:
    • he is an unstable individual
    • to give him a public forum is grossly irresponsible
  • But Stephen wants him to remember that they crucified Jesus
    • and encourages him to "crank up the crazy and break off the knob"
  • Glenn Beck's newest venture is called the "War Room"
  • Dr. Colbert gave The Heroes a look at Beck's crystal balls by viewing an edition of War Room from last week
  • Dr. Colbert uses a well-regarded television news formula, the "flames to Beck" ratio, which determines how frightening a segment is
    • the "flames to Beck" clip was expected to be as serious as a heart attack
    • and judging by the "chins to Beck" ratio the heart attack might be Beck's
  • Beck's first scenario was considered by:
    • Steven Moore, a writer with the Wall Street Journal
    • and Gerald Celente, who terrorizes Smurf Village
  • The Scenario?
    • the year is 2012
    • all U.S. banks have been nationalized
    • unemployment is between 12% and 20%
    • Dow is trading at 2800
    • commercial real estate market has collapsed
    • Stephen admits this scenario is the most terrifying future ever yanked from someone's ass
  • Beck chewed on some prediction peyote and took America on a basic cable vision quest
    • Celenta predicts:
      • major cities will look like Calcutta
      • people who are ignorant, functionally illiterate and whacked-out on drugs--hillbilly heroin, meth, etc with nothing to lose
  • Dr. Colbert points out that if the future does include people who are ignorant, illiterate hillbillies, there will be more viewers for Fox News
  • Dr. Colbert commends Beck for getting to the most important aspect of his doomsday scenario:
  • this news intrigues Stephen
    • he didn't know that the creepy old people who wander around malls aren't ghosts!?
  • Dr. Colbert remembers there is a reason Glenn Beck is doing this show:
    • a responsibility to prepare yourself for things that are not going to happen!

Stephen Colbert's Doom BunkerEdit

  • After the break, Dr. Colbert welcomes The Heroes to the Doom Bunker, where he will imagine some possible, future dire scenarios

Dr. Colbert is not saying that he thinks these things are going to happen. He's saying these things are going to happen. He thinks?

  • joining Dr. Colbert to discuss the hypothetical death of all that he loves is:
  • Jacobs is qualified to talk about dire scenarios
  • Moore is just as qualified because he was on Glenn Beck's "War Room"
    • Moore became terrified
  • Dr. Colbert ordered Jimmy to make more fog
  • Dr. Colbert warned his guests that he would propose a few scenarios, but he isn't looking for solutions
    • he just wants to talk about how horrible they would be


  • the year is 2012
  • the Dow is trading below 1000
  • unemployment is at 40%
  • there is an armed insurrection in El Kañsas (pronounced el kahn-yawn-zas)
Please note: everything west of The Mississippi is now Mexico

  • militarily-speaking Jacobs says it will never happen
    • Dr. Colbert wants to know if the Army can fire on its own people
    • Jacobs clings to his assertion that there will not be an insurrection nor will the Army shoot its own people
  • economically-speaking Moore says the Eastern United States should not trade with Newer Mexico
    • and that he hopes NAFTA is still around
    • free trade is still good for the economy (even if there's only half an America)
    • Texans don't want to go to Mexico
    • but, it's okay if Kansas did


  • the year is 2014
  • the Dow is trading below 250
  • Koala Pox wiped out all of the world's livestock
  • Soy beans have replaced money

  • Moore says scenario 2 is not going to happen
  • in world where our only source of protein is also our currency, Moore says to plant soy beans everywhere
  • Moore recommends not eating your money
    • Dr. Colbert agreed because you really will be shitting it away
  • for National Security reasons, Dr. Colbert could not divulge the information with Moore that he will now disclose to Col. Jacobs:
    • in 2014, America will have a werewolf Congress
  • after carefully considering this newly classified information, Jacobs tells Dr. Colbert that there are no werewolves
    • he insists that the Army would not use silver bullets (falling back on his insistence that werewolves do not exist)
  • Dr. Colbert swings back over to the other side of The C-Desk to discuss whether America can afford silver bullets with Stephen Moore
    • Dr. Colbert believes commodities will be very precious
      • Moore agrees that there will be hyper-inflation


  • the year is 2019
  • the U.S. auto industry is gone
  • but, every car in America turns out to be a Decepticon

  • evil robots in every garage
    • robots with armed, mounted plasma-cannons that can then fold up and become a Camaro
  • may sound like the insane ramblings of a syphilitic brain, but, in a crazy world where monkeys eat meat, Dr. Colbert asks Col. Jacobs if America should go nuculer in Scenario #3
    • Jacobs says that Decepticons are only toys
    • Jacob says America would never shoot nuculer weapons at Decepticons
      • Dr. Colbert says we should keep them on the table


  • the year is 2012
  • Obama's policies have worked
  • pulling out of Iraq was the right thing to do
  • stimulus plan has the Dow rebounding somewhere around 12,000
  • people's faith in the government is restored

  • Moore is dumbstruck
    • he cannot believe that socialism works
  • if Scenario #4 shows that the government might be able to do some things, Mr. Moore will have to rethink everything he believes in
    • Dr. Colbert prays that will never come to pass

Dr. Colbert is not saying that these things are necessarily going to happen, but, if they do happen, it will be without warning!


  • his book is based on his research into the work of Celine Dion and the people who love her
    • including Mr. Wilson himself, who has a crush on her
  • going into the project, Wilson considered her music the most repulsive possible
    • after a year of research he has respect for it now
    • he likes some of it, but wouldn't call himself a fan
  • Wilson tries not to use the word "repulsive" anymore, when discussing taste
    • he used the book as a way to explore why we have taste wars with one another, using himself as a guinea pig to attempt to understand the popularity of Celine Dion
  • why she wears leather outfits is a delightful mystery
  • contrary to the Lats' phrase de gustibus non disputandum est (There is no accounting for taste), Wilson is literally trying to account for taste
    • flying in the face of thousands of years of wisdom
  • Wilson says there's a story behind everyone's taste
    • where one comes from
    • what one has been through
    • what one has been exposed to
  • what horrific experience would someone have to go through that Celine Dion would be the answer to?
    • Wilson doubts that it's a trauma
      • Dr. Colbert suggests that perhaps the trauma comes after the music, rather than before
  • people may be attracted to Dion because of the values attached to/associated with cultural objects, such as:
    • her rags to riches story
    • her loyalty to family
  • he deconstructed his own taste
    • he was a music critic
    • a big fan of hipster pop (like the band Ogre Milk)
    • attracted to subversive, extreme qualities of music
  • as a hipster, Wilson likes Celine Dion ironically
    • even though he believes it's sarcastic


  • good night everybody!


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