Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
March 3, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit



  • Blue Double-Cross
"President Obama taxes the rich to pay for universal healthcare! I hope it covers the stroke I have when I cover my return!"
  • A Farewell To Arms
"Then, South Carolina has a new plan to get guns off the streets! Finally, an end to gun prostitution!"
  • Chomping At The Bittmann
"And my guest is New York Times food columnist Mark Bittmann! I'll ask him what foods tastes best grilled over a burning New York Times!"

Flag quote open clear2
Ever get the feeling that one point three million people are watching you!?
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
March 3, 2009 The Colbert Report

Beer Pong HerpesEdit

  • Dr. Colbert bravely opened tonight's program by addressing rumors about he and Eleanor Holmes Norton
    • he wants to make it clear they are just friends enemies
  • after putting that nasty topic in the past, Dr. Colbert brought up the topic of Beer Pong
    • health officials have discovered that participants were sharing cups and mono and the flu and herpes
      • Beer Pong is all fun and games until someone gets herpes, then a new game begins called, "Who Gave Me Herpes?"
  • Dr. Colbert has always suspected there was a link between playing beer pong and getting herpes
    • but he didn't know it could happen during the game
  • this raises an obvious question:
    • who's fucking our ping pong balls? (turns out no one)
  • it appears no one is; the CDC says the story is a hoax
  • the story began on a humor website
    • a college newspaper caught it
      • a television news station picked it up
        • which spread to another television news station that was cruising for stories without protection
          • a third station that was going down in the ratings also acquired it
  • contagious stories such as these are why smart newspaper boys use plastic bags
  • the real tragedy was that this story/rumor outbreak was a blow to Stephen's friendly friends at Fox and Friends, who gave it the coverage it deserved ... had it been real
  • this incident may put into question the credibility of the other investigations conducted by Fox, such as:
    • designer babies
    • cell phones found in cod
  • the CDC refutation of a story based on a rumor of which they were the source angers Dr. Colbert
    • he worries that his editorial policy of blindly reporting as news anything he reads on The Web
  • Dr. Colbert still stands by his forecast from six months ago of Chocolate Rain
  • He is not, not, not giving up on this story
  • Beer Pong gives you herpes; ping pong gives you crabs!
    • Dr. Colbert recommends putting a raincoat on your ping pong paddle

Obama's Healthcare TeamEdit

  • Obama picked the team that will implement his healthcare plan for the uninsured:
    • Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius as Secretary of Health and Human Services and
    • Tennessee health official, Nancy-Ann DeParle as healthcare czar
      • they were obviously picked because "sebelius" sounds like a disease and "deparle" sounds like the cure
  • originally the job was going to go to Tom Daschle, but Obama soon realized that he would need two people to do the job:
  1. to oversee healthcare
  2. to not pay taxes
  • Dr. Colbert wanted the job to go to House
    • the administration had reached its quota of rude, physically challenged ego-maniacs when it hired Rahm Emanuel
  • Obama says he will pay for this plan by (surprise!)
    • raising taxes on people making more than $250,000 / year
  • Dr. Colbert sees a silver lining in Obama's unfair plan against the rich
  • Dr. Colbert has never been a fan of socialism
    • as a kindergartner, he refused to share his toys (to pay for universal cooties care)
  • Stephen especially distrusts socialised medicine
    • he shares his healthcare with the poor the same way he donates to UNICEF: by coughing on them
  • Stephen answers critics who compare the $ 100 billion on healthcare with the $10 trillion spent on the bank bailout by saying:
    • with the bank bailout we get something in return (Bullet Point believes what we get in return is "screwed")
    • Stephen says we will get:
      • credit markets will loosen
      • we will get oversight
      • equity in the companies (e.g.: we now own 36% of Citibank)
  • this is an example of Nationalization
    • when we use our money to keep the banks alive
  • if we are keeping our money to keep the poor alive, Stephen believes it's only right that we also nationalize the poor
    • which means we should get oversight
      • we get to dictate what they eat, how much they exercise and limit any risky behaviors they engage in--like beer pong--which as everyone now knows (thanks to Fox & Friends) gives you herpes (or "Doocys")
  • the most important thing is that we have equity
    • healthcare must not be a giveaway
  • Obama calls healthcare "the largest investment ever"
    • which makes Dr. Colbert a shareholder, who has the rights to liquidate his assets, which he will accept in the form of new livers--because the new tax policy is driving him to drink
      • he is certain he'll need other organs as well, because he hasn't stopped driving
  • if Dr. Colbert's plan works he will be able to answer his critics who say he is heartless, because he will have all the hearts he needs
  • it will be a deal with the poor: we share the wealth, they share health
  • in regards to the "grossly" "mismanaged" banks, that are dragging the world economy down in flames, Dr. Colbert politely asks if there is anything they need

Guns For RosesEdit

  • everyone knows that Dr. Colbert is a proud son of South Carolina
  • Columbia, South Carolina police announced a program, called "Guns for Roses," where they exchange Constitutionally protected firearms for a rose
  • Dr. Colbert is disturbed by this news
    • if he keeps his gun he can get as many free roses as he wants
      • along with a box of chocolates and a hostage (which ladies love)
    • the people who turned in their guns were:
      • "young and old, men and women"
  • leaving middle-aged hermaphrodites as the only people packing heat in South Carolina
    • in more ways that one
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't like the idea of having all those roses with all those thorns on the street
    • he's concerned about the kids
  • But, most importantly, if Dr. Colbert gives away his gun to get a rose, who will he give the rose to?
  • Dr. Colbert pulls both Sweetness and a rose from The C-Desk
    • he wishes Sweetness a happy belated Valentines Day
    • Dr. Colbert had to turn down Sweetness' offer of a kiss because it seemed to be a bit PDA for his tastes

The Colbert ModuleEdit

  • Dr. Colbert's favorite endless, empty void is outer space (he loves it)
    • sorry Glenn Beck
  • NASA is conducting an online survey to name their new space module, offering the following names for a vote:
    • Earthrise
    • Legacy
    • Serenity
    • Venture
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't approve of these suggestions as they are not names for space modules
    • they're names for organic teas
  • NASA also provided a way for people to suggest their own names
    • currently the top suggestion is "Xenu"
      • making the module part laboratory-part celebrity center, helping America to learn the effects of zero-gravity on Jenna Elfman
  • But, Dr. Colbert had his own suggestion: COLBERT!
  • he then placed America on Code Alpha Sierra
  • It already owes Dr. Colbert
    • he gave it The Colbert Bump when he talked to astronaut Garrett Reisman when he was floating up there (which made it the number one space station in orbit)
    • plus, video game designer Richard Garriott brought Stephen's DNA up there and--following the Breakroom Donuts Corollary--once your DNA is on something, it's yours
  • Details for Code Alpha-Sierra:
    • go to
    • click on the link to the NASA website
    • select "Suggest Your Own"
    • and type in the word "COLBERT"!
    • hurry, voting ends March 20, 2009!
  • The Colbert Interstellar Motto:
"In space, you can still hear me scream!"


  • his book implies that Dr. Colbert could be eating while unconscious
  • before getting into bed, Dr. Colbert likes to dip a little bit of bacon, so that he can have the flavor while he's sleeping
    • just a pinch between his cheek and gum and he can enjoy the full bacon flavor without lighting up
  • Bittman says people eat without thinking
    • Dr. Colbert reminds him that we're so good at it, it's natural
  • Bittman says that there is twice as much food as we need to sustain ourselves in the U.S.
    • he claims that Americans feel compelled to eat all of it
  • he describes the way Americans eat as:
    • we eat without thinking about what's good for ourselves
    • we eat without thinking about what's good for our planet
  • Dr. Colbert is conscious of one thing regarding his eating:
    • he likes to eat things that were once conscious
    • he would dig into a head of broccoli, but only if it could cry
  • Bittman says while writing his book, he changed his diet 60-70% (not completely)
  • he claims of the three pounds of food that every American eats every:
    • about one half a pound of it is meat
    • and a pound and a half of it is other animal products
    • the remainder is mostly processed food or junk food
  • he says he is a vegan until 6 p.m.
    • after that, anything goes
    • may only be true for food
  • Bittman claimed that serving a family of four a steak dinner uses the same amount of energy as having that family drive around in an SUV for three hours while every light is on in their house
    • Dr. Colbert wondered if the family was cooking the steak in petroleum
    • and if he could do both because he likes to eat while he drives
      • Bittman conceded that driving a Prius and eating a steak dinner might be possible
  • Bittman says that the UN says that 1/6th to 1/5th of all greenhouse gases come from industrial livestock production (or Robot Cows)
    • America turns out 10 billion widget-cows every year (which comes to approximately 30 animals per person per year)
  • eating three fewer cheeseburgers every week would be equivalent to taking all the SUVs off the road
    • because Americans would finally be skinny enough to fit back into regular-sized cars
  • the book does not have a chart to show what is equivalent to a cheeseburger
  • we could be healthier
  • help the environment
  • reduce global warming
  • Bittman was unable to tell Dr. Colbert what the one thing he should eat would be, so they decided to discuss i next time


  • Dr. Colbert wants to catch those just tuning in:
    • the murder was Derrick!
  • Before wishing The Heroes a good night, Stephen promised that the rest of the story will be written in due time


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