The Colbert Report/Episode/520

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
March 2, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit



The show started with no Statements of Truthiness and went straight to the theme

Snow Has Come TodayEdit

  • March has come to the Northeastern United States like a lion, eaten us and crapped us back out!
    • a Nor'easter dumped snow up and down the East Coast
      • The Report was hit as well
  • The Eagle's Nest has a retractable dome that can be activated via remote

The End Of The Hope CollectablesEdit

  • as of March 2, 2009 @ 11:32 p.m. EST, the Obama Presidency has officially failed
    • judging by the resale value of its collectables (free market)
  • Eisenhower "I Like Bike" still selling at full face value
  • Montell Williams' Barack Obama Coins
    • 4 coins for $19.95--the perfect gift to give if you don't know how much money is worth
    • discovered to be regular quarters (half dollars, etc) with stickers on them
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't blame the coin makers, they were honest (the coins were literally change you had to believe in)
  • undermines the credibility of all who sell Obama merchandise
    • a certain class of people are now taking action against The Colbert Mint for the Zenith of Change commemorative plates
    • the Zenith of Change commemorative plates are actually coins with stickers on them and as a result are now flammable
  • Zenith of Change's manufacturing was outsourced to PK Winsom
    • to explain what happened, PK joins Stephen from a place whose extradition laws are as tough as their jetski sobriety oversight is lax
  • PK cannot apologize for the Zenith of Change commemorative plates as that would force him to also apologize for his Obama energy drink, "Yes We Can Of Energy Drink" (which blinded Dr. Colbert by flavor)
  • PK asks for Stephen's (and America's) forgiveness by offering a new set of commemorative Obama coins: Obama Is Watching Over Us
    • which may actually be Montell's coins with googly eyes glued to them

Steele Revitalizing The GOPEdit

  • RNC chair Michael Steele wants to apply conservative principles to "urban-suburban, hip-hop settings"!
  • a gated community is nothing but a super-high-end ghetto
  • Michelle Bachman declared that Steele "be the man!"
    • Stephen declared "Damn, yo!" And that Bachman is truly dope
  • Dr. Colbert revisited his cronkified challenge to Steele:
    • come on The Report for a frank discussion of core conservative principles in the form of free-style rap--to lay down dope, yet fiscally responsible rhymesEpisode #519
  • ever since Dr. Colbert's challenge, Steele has been all over TV
    • he even threw down whackness on CNN with Chuck D.
  • Stephen warned Chuck not to diss Steele as he would likely pop a cap in his ass
    • by which he means a Capital Gains Tax
  • according to, Steele has accepted Dr. Colbert's challenge, saying:
"bring it on"[1]
  • "Bring it on" does not necessarily mean what most people presume it means
    • it is possible that Mr. Steele is not familiar with the rules of a rap battle

How to Bring and/or Receive The NoiseEdit

Rules For Rap Battles (in PowerPoint form)

  • Definitions: IT = that which is being brought
    • which at the point of the rap battle = "ON"
  • Realizing Your Potential For Rap Growth
  1. Challenge Issued
  2. "ON" has been brought
  3. Sucka M.C. (the person who was challenged) throws down
  • The medina gets funky and cold
  • Hola
  • Stephen predicts that the core principles rap battle will be a real
    • GOP-diddy
  • Dr. Colbert provides a taste:
I'm wiping the floor with this RNC dudes
'Cuz my rhymes are so fresh
They're sold at Whole Foods!
  • Dr. Colbert concludes the segment with a final message for M.C. Steele:
    • I hope you're a big tipper, 'cuz you've been served!


  • David Byrne
  • a musical pioneer and innovator, who once fronted Talking Heads.
    • when Dr. Colbert is done with him, he'll start making sense
    • Official Tube
  • new album Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
    • self-released
    • Dr. Colbert doesn't know if the album is any good because a record executive hasn't stated it's worth by virtue of his publishing it
      • Dr. Colbert didn't know if his book was any good until Time Warner said they would publish it (convincing him that he did indeed write a good book)
  • Byrne put it online allowing people to preview it
    • he mistakenly believed it would limit people's listening to the song when they're by their computer
      • Stephen keeps his computer on the dashboard of his car
  • Stephen discusses some lyrical issues
  • he has found himself behind the wheel of a large automobile (Audi A8L, a sweet ride, giving the driver the sensation of running people over with your couch) and he has a beautiful house and a beautiful wife
    • not once has he asked himself, "How did I get here?"
  • Stephen's driver, Pablo, took him here today (and is responsible for a lot of how Stephen got to where he is in his life at this particular time)
    • Byrne wants to meet Pablo
  • Byrne is a musician, visual artist and computer embroiderer
    • being innovative may get stale; it would interesting if he did something ordinary
  • Dr. Colbert's theory about artists: they are afraid of being ordinary
    • mistaking what which is ordinary with that which is common among people
  • in the dark of night David Byrne fears that David Byrne is actually like everybody else
    • it was the first time any of Dr. Colbert's interviews ever got that deep


  • Life Is Long




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