The Colbert Report/Episode/519

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
February 26, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit



  • Bank of America of America
"How do we save our struggling banks!? I say ATM's with video poker!"
  • The New Steele
"Then, Michael Steele has a new strategy for the GOP! Brace yourself: it's tax cuts!"
  • Kris Crossed
"And my guest is singer, songwriter Kris Kristofferson! I'll introduce him to me (kisses right bicep) and Bobby McGee (kisses left bicep)!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, Amazon! Congratulations on that new Kindle! Now we play the waiting game!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
February 26, 2009 The Colbert Report

Congressional TweetingEdit

  • Dr. Colbert's Mob began the program with a resounding chant of USA! USA!
    • it was the first time the crowd incited Stephen to riot
  • Dr. Colbert ripped into Obama's Oratorical Hindenburg address to Congress
    • it was so bad that Dr. Colbert had to wave his hand in front of his nose to disburse the smell after someone "hoped"
  • half of Congress listened wile the other half tweeted each other on The Twitter
    • The Twitter is a new technology that allows people to update all their friends on what they are doing
      • friends are what people used to have before they started using The Twitter
  • Betty Anne McCaskill (Claire's mum) thought it was rude of people to be thumb typing while President Hussein Obama was speaking
  • Dr. Colbert asks Mama McCaskill not to criticize her daughter too harshly, even Obama was tweeting
  • McCaskill claimed to have only tweeted at the beginning of Obama's speech, but Dr. Colbert's Tweet-detecting discovered that she tweeted 9 minutes into his speech
    • BUSTED, baby!
    • Dr. Colbert banished her to friendster

Robin Hood Tax PolicyEdit

  • Obama left out the fact that he wants to raise taxes on the wealthy to pay for affordable healthcare
    • doubly bad:
  1. rich pay more taxes
  2. if poor are healthy, where would rich go to harvest organs?
  • Dr. Colbert commends the GOP for comparing Obama to unpopular villain Robin Hood
  • many people are now using the N-Word to describe what will happen to America's banks: Nationalize
    • Nationalization is socialism
      • Socialism leads to communism
        • before we know it: we're eating government-issue beets and watching concrete televisions!
  • socialism proponents know they have to use coded language to sell the idea, such as:
  • The Swedish Model (not the good kind that marries Tiger Woods)
    • Swedish economic policy (state-subsidized umlauts)

Primer On Swedish Economic History

  • early 1990's Swedish economy collapsed (built by Ikea)
    • nationalized their banks, which
      • returned stability to the assets, then
        • sold restructured companies back to the private sector
  • Dr. Colbert is against having to become Swedish, just because that policy worked
  • turning Stephen into a Swede would be a lingonberry in their dubbel mössa
  • no one would dare try to come get us to pay our debts
    • the United Arab Emirates won't the closest thing they have to a Navy is that hotel shaped like a boat
  • Dr. Colbert does respect Sweden for what they did 800 A.D.
    • they had an economic crisis that was solved by plundering a neighboring country and turning these enemies into shovel-ready projects
  • the Vikings are the only Swedish model Dr. Colbert respects!
  • My brothers let us not not cower in the economic dark ages!
  • In the name of Odin, let us take up our shields and battle axes!
    • and rain death and lamentations on our foes!
  • If our coffers lack gold and sweet meats
    • let us replenish them before the moon waxes and Midgard, the world of humans is so broke, that we all have to move to Alfheim (pronounced Alfmeier), the land of the elves!
  • many will perish, but our reward will be a home in Valhalla (unless it's been foreclosed)
  • If Chieftan Geithner be a man and not some serpent-tongued mound-troll, he will adopt this plan by Loki's breath
    • which will free up the credit market as sure as the serpent Jörmungandr circles the earth until it's destruction!
  • By Thor's hand at Ragnarok! (Bullet Point recommends the Led Zepplin song for the rest of the story)
  • To WAR!
    • which will be paid for with a loan from China


  • it's a tough time for the Republicans
    • you ruin one economy suddenly you're the bad guy
  • this will all change due to new RNC chair Michael Steele's plan to boost the GOP's image
    • on February 19, 2009, Steele told the Washington Times that he wanted to apply conservative principles to:
  • "urban-suburban, hip-hop settings."
  • Steele is not just taking the GOP to the streets; he's taking them to the cul-de-sacs as well!
  • Steele promises it will be:
"... off the hook."
  • not just typical political bullshiznit
    • Steele said Democrats who voted for the stimulus plan only did so to:
"Get a little bling-bling."
  • Steele has finally caught up with Mitt Romney when it comes to street lingo
    • Steele is correct the stimulus package included $30-million for Harry Reid's grille
  • Steele's Hip-hopification will work for all the homies in the Grand Old Posse (Who would all look great in a Sean Jean velour track suit):
    • R Shelby
    • Old Dirty Graham
    • LudaCrist
    • D J Jazzy Spectre
      • and The Fresh Hatch
    • Sam Brow-donk-a-donk
    • Saxby Chambliss
  • hip-hop and the GOP are a prefect fit
Rappers Members of the GOP
  • live in fancy cribs
  • drive enormous cars
  • make mad cash they don't want taxed at punitive rates
  • live in multiple large houses
  • drive full-sized vehicles
  • don't want to be taxed at punitive rates
  • rappers and the GOP have much in common, which is why Flava Flav wears a National Debt Clock
  • Stephen volunteers to help Steele out
    • all the kids admit it; Dr Colbert knows how to spit it
      • like when he showed up his guest Nas
  • Dr. Colbert challenges Steele to appear on The Report to have a frank discussion about core conservative principles in the form of free-style rap
  • the men will lay down some dope--yet fiscally responsible--rhymes
  • the ball is in Steele's court
    • or as the kids on the street say:
"The basketball is on your basketball court!"


  • Dr. Colbert greeted him with a hearty "Hey, old man!"
    • but that is because Stephen admires him because he settled on his look when he was in his mid-forties
  • Kristofferson stays on the better side of rugged without slipping into "grizzled"
    • there's a fine line between the two
  • Kristofferson worries about waking up one day to find that he's become haggard
    • Kristofferson knows Merle Haggard and isn't put off by the idea
  • the two men then discussed Kristofferson's exfoliation routine
    • he said his father caught him exfoliating once and whipped him
  • Dr. Colbert quickly changes the subject to how he feels about his guest
    • Stephen isn't sure how he feels about him (he's too complicated making pigeonholing difficult):
      • he was an U.S. Army captain, who flew choppers for an oil company and yet he's against the Iraq war
      • he's a country music star and a Rhodes Scholar
      • he's a friend of Willie Nelson's and he's seen Barbra Streisand naked (Kristofferson admits that seeing Streisand was preferable to seeing Nelson)
  • Kristofferson has an anti-American slogan (see right) prominently displayed on his webtube:
"God bless Obama."
  • Dr. Colbert wants to know how Kristofferson can be both a country music star and a liberal at the same time
    • it's like being a vegetarian polar bear
  • Kristofferson considers himself "left" of liberal
  • Kristofferson has hung out with
    • Waylon
    • Willie
    • Johnny Cash
  • Dr. Colbert wants to know why country songwriters don't write protest--or socially conscious--songs anymore (like Cash's Man in Black)
    • he's glad they don't anymore, but he still wants to know why
  • Kristofferson explained that country music has always been conservative
    • he feels he fell into the "folk-rock" category
"freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose."
  • Dr. Colbert posits that "freedom is just another word for America"
    • even though America has nothing left to lose
      • Kristofferson liked the one that goes: "freedom's just another word for Stephen Colbert"
  • nude scenes (like his last scene of Star Is Born) are not kind things to do when you're an old man
    • Dr. Colbert reminds him, however, that if he did it during the show, he'd get great ratings
  • they go to a break and Kristofferson promises to do a song with (or without) clothes


  • song: "Help Me Make It Through The (To)Night"


  • Dr. Colbert thanked his guest and wished The Heroes goodnight


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