The Colbert Report/Episode/516

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
February 23, 2009
Production code:
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  • In God We Invest
"The economic crisis drives people back to church! I assume to skim off the collection plates!"
  • Oscar Grouch
"Then, I look at the Oscar winners, which (evidently) are being outsourced to India!"
  • Searching for Helen Fisher
"And, my guest tonight is Professor Helen Fisher, who has a new theory on matchmaking! Me too: Colbert + You = (jazz hands) magic!"

Flag quote open clear2
When life deals you lemons, make scrambled eggs! I make the worst scrambled eggs!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
February 23, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert admits to being a humble man, just like zjesus
    • Jesus was a son of a carpenter, Stephen makes Ikea furniture
  • cheers are prayers
    • Jaguar XK cotton candy airbags (who cares when the ambulance gets here)
  • between Glenn Close and Coldplay
    • Coldplay has become the new Phil Collins
  • 23.5 hours into his prayer day
  • will let a miracle rip
    • multiply loaves and fishes
      • the loaf and fish needed some privacy
  • person who has not prayed for Stephen-Stephen
    • lucky praying hat
    • prayer nosh (bagel chips-the chosen snack)
    • prayer hands!
  • Dear Lord;
This is an anonymous prayer. Give Stephen anything he wants: muscle wings
heat and xray vision melt people hiding behind walls
adamantian claws
10-15% discount at Olive Garden for remainder of February
Play Ball!


  • when God closes a door, he opens a window (on a Ford Taurus)
  • Americans are flocking back to church
    • not just because communion counts as a meal
  • Evangelical churches don't care about money
  • Singapore and Canada (worship vengeful beaver god (back bacon and donuts))
  • Cardinal Cormack Murphy O'Callahan O'Toole O'Leprechaun
  • exchange his neighbors the Hendersons for an Audi 2-7 (?)
  • what shall a man profit ...
    • Answer: the whole world
  • gave up the good life for a life of charity, Colbert Report Resident ...
    • Father James Martin
  • in finance, gave it up to become Jesuit priest
    • was at GE before he saw the light (so to speak)
  • he was poor before being poor was cool
    • the cutting edge of poverty
  • Audi AAL closest Stephen has been to heaven
  • poverty is about freedom
  • made God sound like an opportunistic virus
  • people may be more open during times of vulnerability

Ancient Mystical PowersEdit

  • Mastermedia International designated today as Stephen's Prayer date
    • no way to gauge prayer quantity
  • Stephen borrowed an eMeter from $cientology
    • told him he's a hot tamale
  • Stephen found a wallet with a lot of money in it
  • man believes he may have lost his wallet
  • Stephen shot him because people are not praying enough
  • Jackman is not just his name, it's an order
  • Stephen shouldn't doubt The DaCode
  • Stephen could never have predicted that Kate Winslet's dad is Dick Cheney!


  • new theory on matchmaking--she had Stephen on "theory"
  • she's one of the brain genius behind
    • not
  • breeding experiment
    • like a cult
  • chemistry is a complicated subject
  • your brain goes crazy when you're in love
    • insane in the membrane
  • watching the brain of people in love
    • dopamine spreads through the reward system
  • energy
  • obsessiveness (they camp in your brain)
  • Types:
    • explorer
    • builder
    • director
    • negotiator
  • no yellers
  • Stephen has a crush on himself
  • loyal or interesting friend?
  • 81% return for another date


  • Dr. Colbert reminds us his prayer day is not over
    • didn't get his car
    • and the loaves and fishes, oh wait ...


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