The Colbert Report/Episode/515

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
February 12, 2009
Production code:
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The program started without a Statement of Truthiness

Happy Birthday, Abe!Edit

  • Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday
  • one of our greatest Presidents
  • Stephen is the only one who can wish Lincoln in person
    • lead His Mob in a stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday"
    • America's Greatest Non-Reagan President
  • Abe needs a little fun
  • Dr. Colbert removes the stovepipe hat to replace it ...
    • ... and discovers Lincoln was a unicorn!
    • Mary Todd wasn't crazy after all

Another Obama ScandalEdit

  • more popular than Ferraro's poster by Georgia O'Keefe
  • Fairey countersued AP
  • Manny Garcia took the original photo
    • scares Stephen
  • all this legal talk confuses him
    • almost as bad as the last time he watched "Wheel of Fortune"
      • Pat Sajak needs to stop playing mind games
  • Stephen's gut tells him that everyone is right, he has no idea who to support
  • to help former Dir of Whitney Museum David Ross
    • former SF Museum of Modern Art
  • he says Fairey has the right to do what he did
  • he says Stephen could take Mona Lisa
  • resident copyright lawyer, Dr. Colbert's brother Ed
    • copyright lawyer with Kenyan & Kenyan, LLP
  • says AP can sue
  • asks Ross if the original photographer has rights too
    • Manny has to say it's art
  • Ed says Kitty is fine; she's in the audience
  • test for copyright is original, unique
  • does Obama have any claims on it
  • public figure cannot control the use of their image
  • Ross calls Stephen a commercial public figure
  • Ed will get a drink after the show
  • Obama has two rights
  • Ed defended AP, photographer and Obama without distinction
    • he only believes who ever pays him is right
  • believes Shepard Fairey is right

The DaColbert CodeEdit

  • Dr. Colbert has been gifted with an arcane
  • American Psychiatric Society calls it schizophrenia; Stephen calls it The DaColbert Code
  • Who killed John F. Kennedy?
    • it was suicide!
  • Oscar Night
    • last time, Dr. Colbert predicted them all
    • He's never seen the movies; he's only seen the posters outside the theater while he's protesting
  • Best Supporting Actress
    • Penelope Cruz
  • Best Actress
    • Kate Winslet
  • Best Supporting Actor
    • Heath Ledger
  • Best Actor
    • Sean Penn, no, no (Dr. Colbert won't have it)
      • Mickey Roarke
  • Best Picture
    • Slumdog Millionaire
  • they could give it to the Curious Case of Benjamin Button
  • take all the bailout money and bet it in the White House Oscar pool
    • it's safer than a bank

UPDATE (from the future)Edit

On Oscar night (February 23, 2009)

  • Dr. Colbert did indeed pick all the winners, since Sean Penn did win and when he was onstage he mentioned Mickey Roarke.


  • his theory that Darwin assassinated Lincoln
  • he argues Lincoln and Darwin
    • looking back we can see how
  • Stevie Wonder and Stephen share the same birthday
    • using his astrology
  • what they have in common with us
    • what they left us
  • claims Darwin had a spiritual side
    • his wife was an Evangelical
  • Darwin wrote On the Origin of Species to convince his wife
  • wrote his book that spiritual people needn't be threatened
  • Stephen is very tolerant of his wife's beliefs
  • how Lincoln changed the way liberal democracies can defend themselves
    • Stephen blacked out
  • Republicans believes at that time was spreading rights
  • many people helped things change in addition to Darwin and Lincoln
  • dispute what the last words said over Lincoln's body on his death bed
    • now he belongs to the angels or ages


  • Dr. Colbert didn't see us come back from commercial, because TV works in only one direction
  • Conan O'Brien is moving to LA to host Tonight Show
    • loves his zany characters
      • FedEx Pope
      • Coked-up Werewolf
      • Andy Richter
  • Stephen begins to cry
  • if he ever wants to do his dance again, he has to come back to New York and get his strings back
  • watch Conan's show every night ...
    • it's on at the same time as The Report!
    • Oh Noes!


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