The Colbert Report/Episode/513

< The Colbert Report | Episode

12,423pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Add New Page Talk0

Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
February 10, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode


  • Grand Old Pity Party
"Tough times for the Republican Party! This sounds like a job for tax cuts!"
  • Shoutward Bound
"Plus, I give a Shout Out to a former employee! Which reminds me, I have a bunch of people to fire!"
  • Sea To Shining Me
"Then, my guest is Robert Ballard, an archeological oceanographer! Ooh, the rare Double Nerd!"

Flag quote open clear2
Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
February 10, 2009 The Colbert Report

Visa's Black CardEdit

  • Dr. Colbert is outraged by something he saw
  • The End of White America
    • he is not overreacting
  • The new Visa Black Card
    • the Black Card is not for everyone!
  • judges not by the color of their skin
  • Visa is everywhere you want to be
    • unless that's at a Jimmy Buffett concert
  • one step forward, two steps back
    • another dance move Dr. Colbert can't do either because he's white
  • Judd Gregg didn't vote
    • would be a coin toss, if people still had coins


  • credit Obama's new charm offensive
    • terror
  • equivalent to everyone in Maine losing their jobs
    • where would we get deodorant that doesn't work
  • tax cuts
  • GOP must find a way to survive
  • Pete Sessions
    • fight Democrats, insurgency might be required
    • recommending the GOP not act like Al Qaeda, but the Taliban
  • GOP has in common with Taliban
    • poor record with women
    • invade Iraq
    • shadowy leaders who communicate through poor-quality videos
  • give GOP time to regroup
  • to win back the people's trust, the GOP must act like their enemies
    • look how successful it was for them; Obama took over their mess

Shout OutEdit

  • recognize the people who honor America; people who honor Stephen
  • Biology professor Eugene Robinson
    • biochemical effect of cocaine on bees
  • he sent Dr. Colbert a jar of uncut honey direct from his lab
    • pharmaceutical-grade hive-jive
  • Stephen asks the professor to test crystal meth on earthworms (?)
  • former Senator John Sununu
    • found counterterrorism calendar
  • Stephen racially profiles all his office supplies
  • commemorates every terrorist attack
    • except March 18
  • senseless attack of the day reminder
  • wants 2009 calendar from Jean Shaheen
    • calendar under Dems may be renamed "Hotties of the Persian Gulf"
  • Cesar, former employee
    • Tank Gunbolt (sp)
  • 84th Airborne Vampire Hunters
  • sent Stephen flag officially framed and dated January 19, 2009
    • last flag to fly over Afghanistan while Bush was president
  • Stephen sent him a gift basket Crabtree & Evelyn
    • even a soldier needs to feel pampered


  • Robert Ballard
  • renown oceanographer, talk about job security, there's going to be a lot more ocean
  • archeological oceanographer
  • interested in human history beneath the sea
    • hasn't found Atlantis yet
  • oceans cover 72% of the planet
  • better maps of Mars than the ocean
  • 1/2 of the U.S. is under water
  • U.S. owns 200 miles from the shore
  • including Hawaiian islands, etc
  • found the Titanic
  • most important thing he found was new life systems
  • giant worms
    • another creature lives inside them (symbiosis)
  • NASA's 1-year budget = NOAA's budget for 1,600+ years
  • lobsters are red because hell is down there
  • we are living on the tops of mountains
  • found ancient shipwrecks
    • in the Black Sea, everything is preserved
  • the next big goal under the ocean
    • go where no one has gone before on planet Earth


  • Dr. Colbert just figured out who The Heroes look like: me! If he was on a curvy-glassy thing!


Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

  • [URL Link Title]
  • [URL Link Title]

Reviews and CommentsEdit


Also on Fandom

Random Wiki