The Colbert Report/Episode/512

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
February 9, 2009
Production code:
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  • Galimony
"A married lesbian couple files for divorce! And moves into separate Subaru Outbacks!"
  • Grammy So-So
"Then, who's going to win at the Grammy Awards tonight!? ::SPOILER ALERT:: it was last night!"
  • TV on the Radio on the TV
"And my guest is rock band, TV on the Radio! They are so much better than Movies on the Newspaper!"

Flag quote open clear2
It's official: highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
February 9, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • we really ought to do thins more often
  • lots of unemployment out there
  • peruse means the opposite of what Dr. Colbert thought it meant
  • flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
  • the dictionary a job is a piece of work
  • job is something that a business owner creates that is long-term
    • if it has an end-point it's not a job
    • the only job the government creates is soldier in Iraq
  • Tower of Babel

Threat DownEdit

  • job that lasts a lifetime: fearmonger

#5 Michael Phelps- his aerobic conditioning will break

lung capacity of 14 Seth Rogans
doesn;'t own a black light poster of a panther

#4 Bill Gates- released mosquitoes

why should only the poor be struck with malaria
they prefer poor people's blood
it was a Microsoft release (there's no way it didn't have a virus)
find a cure for Bill Gates

#3 Japanese Sewage- authorities found gold in the sewars

Japanese learned how to poop gold
Americans must take this sitting down

#2 Gay Divorce- lesbians want to get a divorce

the Bible says only between a man and a woman

#1 Shadow God- Telebrion (Tenebrion?) has been angered

chase him back to the shadow horn!
will swallow the moon
sound the claxons!

Winning A GrammyEdit

  • Dr. Colbert's throat is officially golden
    • won Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album
      • Dr. Colbert has always been good at speaking words
  • Dr. Colbert assumes he won
    • broke it during the Grammy preshow when he realized that he was watching the Grammy preshow
  • He fast forwarded it through the non-Stephen part to watch when he won
    • Jimmy interrupted to say he shouldn't watch it
  • Stephen's category wasn't aired
    • like Oscars Jessica Alba hands out at the Beverly Sheridan
  • Jimmy tells Stephen Al Gore! stole his Grammy
    • he doesn't care they gave Album of the Year to the cashiers at Long John's Silvers
  • Stephen takes a vow of silence
    • will stop talking forever
  • he pulls up a audio player that has a pre-recorded rant about losing the Grammy to Al Gore!
  • Al Gore! is the Fine Young Cannibals of politics
    • because he looks like he ate Tipper


  • TV on the Radio
    • David Andrew Sitek
    • Kyp Malone, the bearded one
    • Tunde Adebimpe
  • named Album of the Year by Entertainment Weekly
  • The Grammys are so irrelevant now
  • new album called "Dear Science"
    • they're saying goodbye to it
    • it didn't write back
  • previous album "Return to Cookie Mountain"
  • Stephen warned them about getting The Colbert Bump
    • they will soon lose their indy cred
  • they're in it for the money
    • you can't eat
  • they're influenced by
    • Bunker Sorbet
    • Brian Eno
    • David Bowie
    • The Archies


  • "Dancing Choose"



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