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The Colbert Report/Episode/511

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Production InfoEdit

FlyingEaglePREV
Previous Episode
Date:
February 5, 2009
Season:
Season5
Episode:
511
Production code:
5020
FlyingEagleNEXT
Next Episode


IntroEdit

Tonight
  • Tangle And Cash
"What's in the stimulus package!? I'm guessing High Fructose Corn Syrup, because that stuff is in everything!"
  • Beyond a Reasonable Scout
"Then, I salute the Boy Scouts of America! In your face Boy Scouts of Elsewhere!"
  • Lehrer & Unbalanced
"And Jonah Lehrer is here to talk about the neuroscience of decision-making! I'll use my medulla oblongutta!"


Flag quote open clear2
Don't put off for tomorrow what your team of personal assistants can do today!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
February 5, 2009 The Colbert Report



Another Member Of The FamilyEdit

  • Good to have Stephen with us
  • Took down the big-wigs
    • he was robbed of "Best Grandma" prize
      • Grandma Rosenstein won instead
  • UC Santa Cruz nerds named an elephant seal after him!
  • a hideous monster ate Dr. Colbert's seal!
    • worse than having the elephant man named after you
    • certain to have a great personality
  • Graduate students watch him mate
  • Stephen Col-George Clooney, the George Clooney
    • Stephen would watch that mate
  • put him on a treadmill
  • lift weights
  • nose job
  • Mark Wahlberg started out as a Narwhal
    • his real name was Mark Narwhalberg

SEGMENT2Edit

  • Stimulus bill is larded up with more pork than Stephen's elephant seal
  • Susan Collins of Maine nailed what it really is
    • like a Christmas tree
    • more like a Gay Pride Ficus
  • Missouri Claire McCaskill
    • funded by Mixed Metaphor Funding Act
  • Specifics
    • being sold by Democrats
  • it's Fire Safety Week!
    • see you in the stairwell--wear something lose; that's fire code
  • Dems taking page from the GOP handbook
    • found under a loose floorboard next to a beating human heart
  • Dems scared Dr. Colbert
    • Stephen will meet Jesus at the Arby's
      • where they'll both be working
  • sex-ed for house cats
  • Cabinet level Secretary
  • fund National Endowment for the Arts
    • best argument from The West Wing
  • federal money they could have
    • 3-D glasses you could almost touch the sanctimony
  • why are libs larding up the bill
  • spend the money now
  • many programs in there that are not stimulus
  • never let a good crisis go to waste
  • some changes between Senate and House bill
    • raise the debt by $1 trillion
  • sell Yellowstone to the Canadians

Alpha DogEdit

  • lessons tie knots
  • Three leaves and shiny, keep away from the hiney
  • will learn about the good conservation of soil waters, etc.
  • for past 20 years Scouting Council has made money off destroying wilderness areas
  • hugging trees so tight they
  • hypocrisy badge
  • apocalypse badge
  • make fires without sticks
  • making the Scout sign and telling conservationists to read between the lines

InterviewEdit

  • Jonah Lehrer
  • book: "How We Decide"
  • wrote a book ab out neuroscience of decision-making, which is just a fancy way of saying rock, paper scissors
  • emotional brain: generates gut (truth)
  • rational brain: pre-frontal (fact)
  • the emotional side doesn't have to listen to you
  • humans love being certain
    • filter the world to confirm
    • not being certain is not comforting
  • preconceived notions
  • conservatives watch FOX
  • liberals watch MSNBC
  • shut-ins watch CNN
  • gut takes in more than we are aware of
  • gut is prescient
  • can we tailor our thoughts or can our thoughts tailor us
  • for Plato, he said: rational charioteers
    • today we say "elephants"
  • elephants can be hooked up to chariots
  • every time Dr. Colbert makes a rational decision he gets angry with himself
  • grocery shopping can be confusing
  • pure rationality is a disease
  • emotional brain has questions too
    • how dare you?
    • where do get off?
    • who are you looking at?

EpilogueEdit

  • Dr. Colbert remember folks keep your friends close, and your enemies closer: start by hating yourself!
  • Have a great week end!

GalleryEdit

Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

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