The Colbert Report/Episode/509

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
February 3, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert discusses the Super Bowl with His Jewish Friend
    • which Stephen did not watch
    • wants to know what the NFL is hiding with the XLIII
      • why are Romans numeraling our bowls?


  • New Elephant in the Room
"Republicans choose a new leader! Don't worry; they're the same old ideas!"
  • A Fool And Your Money
"Then, advice for America's CEOs! Step one: buy a shredder; step two: plug in the shredder; step three: dive right in!"
  • Barbarian Asks The Gates
"Then, author Henry Louis Gates has a new book about Lincoln! I'm pretty sure he wrote it just to meet Obama!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, Lady Liberty! Isn't it time you settled down and found yourself a man!? (seductively adjusts tie)
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
February 3, 2009 The Colbert Report

Big NewsEdit

  • Daschle took himself out for HHS Secretary
    • chose gay John Lennon for his eyeglasses
    • Christian Bale believes it's a fucking distraction
  • Stephen is not a big "pay your taxes" kind of guy
    • legally declared himself an island nation in the Caribbean
    • Turks and Kakos (sp)
  • no universal healthcare
    • Woo!
  • Stephen was afraid Obama was going to be
  • Daschle folded like an origami tax form you forgot to fill out
    • Hillary Clinton to quit for going over her phone minutes


  • GOP waits for Reagan to appear in their grilled cheese sandwiches
  • Lindsay Graham is dressing in black and listening to The Cure
  • Rush Limbaugh is the future of the Republican Party
  • Dr. Colbert cherishes Rush
    • he is Stephen's ringtone
  • feminism is for unattractive women, what talk radio does for unattractive men
  • Phil Gingrey apologizes to Limbaugh
    • he left his mustache up Rush's ass
  • Rush offers a demographic for the future
    • white
    • male
    • no children
  • Rush's words inspire a nation
    • sensitive analysis of Michael J. Fox
    • Colin Powell endorsed Obama
    • support he shows Obama in a time of word
  • Rush's core philosophy: follow Rush

Colbert Platinum, Ass-covering EditionEdit

  • Obama scolded Wall Street execs for handing out $18 billion
    • Wall Street is filled with many things, but shame is not one of them
  • Stephen presents Colbert Platinum for the little people, and by little people he means rich people
    • who are physically smaller due to decades of inbreeding
  • Ass Covering Edition
  • Platinum
    • Private chef is not breeding new animals for you to eat, watch Spike
  • John Thane
    • $1,405 trash can
    • $35,115 commode on legs
      • the poor does not realize the benefit of a toilet that walks to you
      • he apologized
  • Hire people to be your furniture, that's creating jobs
  • Fuld sold his house to his wife for $100
    • sell house to wife
    • sell wife to boat
    • sell boat to jet
    • sell jet to dog
  • Schrenker crashed his plane to fake his death
  • go to heaven where you can have gold and band angels
  • if anyone sees you drinking champagne and eating caviar, tell them it's ginger ale and dirt


  • new book about Lincoln and race
    • his stovepipe hat slowed him in the 4-40
  • which Lincoln is he looking for
  • each generation remakes Lincoln
  • Lincoln is like Paul Bunyan
    • had an axe, might not have had a blue ox
  • shot on Good Friday
    • dies Easter Saturday
    • often compared to Jesus
  • opposed fundamentally to interracial marriage
    • cannot vote, serve as jurors, fight for the United States
  • Lincoln would have been shocked if he saw Obama president
  • problem with scholarship
    • director of W.E.B. DuBois Center at Harvard
  • we can assume whatever we're doing is what Lincoln would have wanted
  • only Jesus has more book written about him than Lincoln
  • all books are right
    • Fidel's hero was Lincoln
  • some say his face should be chiseled off Mount Rushmore
    • tried for war crimes posthumously
  • considers writing about white people
    • bigger readership
  • he admits Jesus is white!


  • Dr. Colbert regrets to inform The Heroes that that is all the show and all the time we have show for


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