The Colbert Report/Episode/506

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 28, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode


  • Package Deal
"The house passes the eight-hundred billion dollar stimulus plan! China, could we interest you in a slightly used Oregon!?"
  • The Long & Raging Road
"Then, I interview Sir Paul McCartney! We'll see if the love he takes is equal to the rage I make!"
  • The Curious Case of Denis Dutton
"And my guest Denis Dutton says appreciation of art is a product of evolution! he must mean those dogs that have evolved to play poker!"

Flag quote open clear2
What do I have to do to get nominated for an Oscar!? Make a movie!?
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
January 28, 2009 The Colbert Report

The Rise & Fall Of The Wing-Based EconomyEdit

  • as much fun as we're having right now, we know someday we will die
    • the economy is really depressing people
  • in April, Americans will be paying taxes in kidneys
  • liberals want millions for Family Planning
  • CSPAN- government plant to discourage sex
    • use as directed
  • 80,000 jobs lost
    • only secure career: telling people they've lost their job
  • price of chicken wings is up
    • there may not be enough for Super Bowl Sunday
  • watchin gthe Super Bowl without a plate
  • making love without a plate of chicken wings
  • Countdown: The Wing-Ageddon
    • Stephen & Jom Lehrer
  • an explanatory chart
  • snack food conspiracy
    • Pillsbury Doughboy's lack of genitalia (he reproduces through tummy-poking)
  • repercussions to many industries:
    • bleu cheese miners
    • ___ farmers
    • Hidden Ranchers
    • Hooter's waitresses
      • can't afford clothes as it is
  • a blow to America's self-esteem
    • hold up our red-dye-#5-stained fingers
  • Obama must appoint a Wing Czar

Better Know A BeatleEdit

  • Friday, January 30, 2009 is the anniversary of The Beatles' rooftop concert atop the Apple records building
  • if Google Earth was available back then, you could have seen the egos from space
  • grew up in Liverpool
    • mining despair
  • Quarrymen
    • which became the Beatles
  • Paul was the cute one
  • John was the smart one
  • George was the senstitive one
  • Ringo was the luckiest man in the world
  • Wings greatest hit: "Stop Requesting Strawberry Fields, That Was John's"
  • Paul has never seen The Colbert Report
  • Stephen had never heard his music
  • Paul's favorite Beatle was Ringo
  • George Martin wasn't a Beatle
  • there is a small chance that Stephen was the Fifth Beatle
  • new album "Electric Arguments" contains 13 songs
    • took too long to write each song (one day)
  • could belt out a rock scream
  • he calls himself
    • witty, attractive, musical
  • he doesn't eat meat
  • Dalai Lama might eat Paul McCartney
    • in an emergency, he might
  • the tenderest cut of the McCartney
  • Stephen and "Ebony & Ivory" with him
  • Stephen ended the interview with a hearty "Ohbla-dee Ohbal-done"
  • Sir Paul made Stephen a knight


  • Denis Dutton
  • appreciation of art is a product of evolution; it must be true because monkeys could paint most of that stuff
  • "The Art Instinct: Beauty, Pleasure And Human Evolution"
  • evolution is a fraud
    • undermine our belief in an all-knowing, all-loving God
  • how does art help us survive in Darwinian
  • imaginative abilities
  • many cavemen were reading "Emma"
    • using their imaginations to tell stories
    • invent fictions
  • Stephen accused him of inventing a complicated history
  • cave paintings are wildly sophisticated stick figures
    • because they're French, wearing woolly mammoth beret
  • he talked in metaphors
  • throws out conceptual arts
    • prefers "calendar" art
  • art is a tool for profligating
    • everyone is doing art to get laid
  • humor, charm, wit
  • there is a chance that Stephen is art
  • his wife instructed him not to flatter Stephen


  • Dr. Colbert has one last thought:
    • some say the Holocaust didn't happen, if you disagree, call: 1-877-SEAN-930
  • good night!


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