Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 27, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert shushes His Jewish Friend, whose volume may wake up Stephen's baby
    • The Report is his baby and was birthed through the hips of his brain


  • Grand Salaam
"President Obama appears on Arab TV! And it's not CSI: Abu Dhabi"
  • Air Apparent
"Then, a new study says clean air helps you live longer! Great! More time to smoke!"
  • Petit Argument
"And my guest Philippe Petit is a famous tight-rope walker! Or, he's just really bad at suicide!"

Flag quote open clear2
America, here's my stimulus package! (takes off glasses) Hello, ladies! (women swoon)
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
January 27, 2009 The Colbert Report

Obama's KidnappingEdit

  • Dr. Colbert plans a question for his guest, french tightrope walker
  • Dr. Colbert is shocked (SHOCKED) by a tape he discovered in the tubes
  • Obama has been kidnapped by Muslim extremists (calling themselves "Al-Arabiya")
    • squiggly lines at the bottom of the screen
    • daffodils are fresh
  • they made him say many un-American things
  • maybe he is blinking pro-American slogans in code
    • Jimmy will send the tape to Navajos for interpretation

Cheating Death!Edit

  • cold and flu season
    • Robitussen may also be used to treat a cough!
  • Prescott: You're not just a patient, you're patient zero

Lung Health

    • study by Harvard, Brigam Young Univ.
      • not smoking adds 5 months to one's life
    • top cities: Pittsburgh & Buffalo
  • no particles will increase life indefinitely
  • Prescott: LifeBag
    • place over your head and cinch tightly
      • nitrogen and oxygen molecules
    • armpit homunculus
    • Verizon guy syndrome

Weight Loss

    • scientists in Louisiana
    • AD36
  • Prescott: Cosmo-Drine
    • shames viruses
  • Side Effects:
    • siamese nipples
    • hairswelling
    • involuntary blowhole

Corporate Health

    • legally like people, can get sick
  • doctors will no longer get pharmaceutical swag
  • merged R& D/marketing
  • Prescott: Vaxalax suppository pen
  • Side Effects
    • pucker lung
    • bone sporting
    • yellowstone national bladder
  • Prescott: "That's why you have 2 kidneys!™"

Caroline Kennedy Shocker!Edit

  • Kirsten Gillibrand (nee Kirsten Elizabeth Rutnik Gillibrand)
    • Hillary Clinton's replacement
    • youngest current Senator
  • a Gillibrand is a unit of measurement to commemorate her youngness (Dec 9, 1966)
  • Robert Byrd is 155 Gillibrands
  • Bill O'Reilly, Colbert Report Caroline Kennedy Correspondent, from last Thursday
    • it's huge
  • affair with New York Times' publisher Arthur Sulzburger
  • he doesn't report rumor; he simply doesn't do that
  • he cannot verify any relationship Kennedy has ever had
    • he cannot verify anything
  • it's been one huge mess since Obama has taken office
    • and it will get bigger


  • Philippe Petit
  • famous for crossing between tall buildings on a small rope
    • call Stephen when he does it on a loose rope
  • Dr. Colbert wishes him good luck to begin
  • he has to rearrange the table when he goes to restaurants
  • he is an artist on the wire
    • doesn't do somersaults
    • makes people believe they can do it too
  • pulled off perhaps the most awesome feat
    • not perhaps
  • he walked between the Twin Towers in 1974 for the chicks
  • Why try?
    • he has no choice
  • he has come from another planet
  • three oranges will be on his tombstone
    • he will not die and will not need a tombstone
  • Muhammad Ali told him he has balls
  • if Stephen has to explain what balls are, but then you wouldn't understand
  • he doesn't understand Stephen, but he loves the sound of his voice


  • Obama has been kidnapped by a group of Muslim terrorists calling themselves Al-Arabyia
    • this casts doubt on everything he has done so far
      • closing Gitmo
      • ending torture
  • Omar wants to know what that means for himself
    • comes to see the show after living under the C-Desk for three years
    • he insists that audiences miss what Stephen does with his ankles
  • Stephen's three wishes are:
    • talking hot dog
    • talking pizza
  • Omar says he's not a genie
    • even though Stephen set him free
    • Omar is grateful, not magical
  • Stephen wishes Omar had never left him
  • the Lesson: if you love something set it free from the secret prison under your desk
  • Omar will always be locked up indefinitely in Stephen's heart


Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

  • [URL Link Title]
  • [URL Link Title]

Reviews and CommentsEdit


Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.