The Colbert Report/Episode/504

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 26, 2009
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  • GIT-NO
"An executive order shuts down our secret prisons! Now where will we get our secret license plates!?"
  • Blindsided Me With Science
"Plus, President Obama changes President Bush's policy on science--in that he acknowledges it exists!"
  • Sex Ed
"And my guest Pastor Ed Young thinks married people should be having more sex! Wait ... with each other!?"

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Hey, Iceland! You can't make a Molotov cocktail with yogurt!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
January 19, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • the adulation blew the pen right out of Dr. Colbert's hand
  • very toasty in New York
  • another American institution going under
    • secret prison program
      • as American as pie--if someone's genitals were baked in a pie
  • closing prisons is symbolic
  • from inside the C Desk Dr. Colbert hit grabbed the clicker for the secret prison door (which is under the C Desk) thus releasing Omar
  • he is on the honor system to waterboard himself once a day
  • it was a long, hard goodbye
  • Omar realizes he is guilty of one thing
    • missing Stephen
  • Omar is not Arab, he's Greek
    • he pronounces "Homer"
      • he used to work at Parthenon Kebob's Shoppe, and said Stephen still owed $15.70, which was paid in full (plus tip!)

Science's Rightful PlaceEdit

  • Science's Rightful Place is to make new parts for Dick Cheney
  • Bush challenged to take us to Mars, funded with only a Discovery Store gift certificate
  • Obama named a physicist to run the Energy Department
  • scientists won the war
  • accused Bush of undermining science
  • the media trips people up sometimes
  • science gave us string in packing tape
  • chief driver of economic growth
    • technology, not science
  • there are stem cells in Stephen's iPhone
  • tax and spend our way to knowledge
  • Obama promoted his Science Advisor
  • science and policy intersect
  • no monkey business (evolution)


  • Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone
    • get in line behind Stephen
  • Tip- Roe v Wade
    • divided the country
    • like the Civil War, but no re-enactors
    • about which way to cross a river
  • Wag- Indian Wedding Rituals
  • Tip- John Yarmuth, representative from Kentucky's third district (the Fightin' Third!)
    • sent Dr. Colbert a specially designed Christmas card
      • showing him holding a long-haired cat and standing next to a woodchipper, with the words "Hoping you have a Kittenless Christmas this Year!" printed on it
    • tip for walking the walk
    • when opening the envelope, Dr. Colbert's unnamed assistant said confetti fell out
      • Confetti was the name of the cat in the photo


  • Fellowship Church
    • in Dallas-Fort Worth and Miami
  • seven days of sex
    • in a row
    • even God rested on the seventh day
  • none of the congregants got it on immediately following his announcement
  • took the ladies three days to warm up to the idea
  • help your marriage
  • he is called the Sex Preacher
  • doesn't use code words
    • wicky-wicky and the nanu-nanu neenaw
  • no names for sex positions
    • the "lion lays down with the lamb"
  • show him the sex life of a married couple
    • he'll show you the temperature of that marriage
      • Stephen would rather not


  • Dr. Colbert reminds The Heroes, if anyone was offended by anything on the program, call 1-877-SEAN-930 and let Stephen have it, stuff you can never take back!


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