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The Colbert Report/Episode/503

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Production InfoEdit

FlyingEaglePREV
Previous Episode
Date:
January 22, 2009
Season:
Season5
Episode:
503
Production code:
5012
FlyingEagleNEXT
Next Episode

IntroEdit

Tonight
  • As The World Yearns
"The world reacts to President Obama! And I yell back in Esperanto!"
  • Minority Report
"Then, I'll profile the head of the NAACP! But not racially!"
  • Jackson Five Minutes
"And, my guest Jon Meacham has a new book about Andrew Jackson! When is someone gonna write a book about Tito!?"


Flag quote open clear2
Congratulations to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on its thirteen Oscar nominations! See!? Americans do support torture!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
January 21, 2009 The Colbert Report



SEGMENT1Edit

  • Big news Caroline Kennedy has removed her name from consideration to fill Hillary Clinton's Senate seat
  • Dr. Colbert has been working on his Caroline Kennedy imitation for weeks
    • he consents to perform for The Heroes; it is magical
      • all that's missing is a wig and an enormous set of teeth

An Historic DayEdit

  • Obama and Roberts free-balled the oath
  • Stephen loves improv, suggesting they do it again as a Western or a SciFi
  • they do the oath again after everyone has left
  • Near-President Obama
  • Stephen swears on a Bible before brushing his teeth otherwise his teeth won't know if he's serious about tartar control
  • there is no formal name for what Obama and Roberts did
  • Ben Franklin's idea to call whoever is on camera (stage) gets to be President into the Constitutuion
  • these troubled times call for more vibrato

UnAmerican NewsEdit

  • Europe's Obimanya is similar to America's Obamania, except it's played through an alp horn
  • African inauguration ceremony's involve slaughtering the previous President
  • the Palestinians are already disappointed
    • by law they have to feel the opposite of whatever Israel feels
  • Iran put joy back under a burqa
  • the hand of Satan is where it's always been
    • Dick Cheney uses it to make wished
  • China censored parts of Obama's speech
    • Stephen also altered it to take out parts he doesn't like

Better Know A LobbyEdit

  • we entered a new era in Washington, Obama wants to reign in lobbyists
  • Sixth installment, Better Know A Lobby: NAACP, the Fightin' Coloreds!
  • ever since African-Americans were invented in the late 16th century, they've had to overcome great struggles
    • they have overcome slavery to become anything from educators to Starship Engineers
  • fought key civil rights battles
    • de-segregated schools
    • defeated David Duke in Louisiana
  • Benjamin Jealous
    • he is national president and chief executive officer of the NAACP
    • he is black
  • he has great timing and great judgment
  • wants a floor for how all people are treated
  • 100 anniversary on February 12th
  • is being stubborn about race and racism
  • when you do well, you reach back to pull forward
  • grab somebody and give them a reach around
    • and a leg up
  • he is satisfied that racism continues
  • by the end of the decade we may put a black man on the moon
  • why not just have everyone be white, then there's not racism
  • he doesn't dream big enough
    • like Dr. King
  • there's a chance that Stephen could be black!

InterviewEdit

  • named after an African animal
    • America's first black President
  • Jackson carried 2 bullets in him
    • could have taken Washington
  • used veto as a political weapons
  • populist
    • founded American populism
  • I am the direct representative of the American people
  • why Jackson now
    • without Jackson, there wouldn't have been a Lincoln
  • Jackson's regrets: shot Calhoun, hanged Henry Clay
  • Meacham bashes South Carolina
    • last time he bashed Stephen's church
  • Jackson's inaugural
    • people clogging on the table
    • lots of beer
    • a big wheel of cheese
    • White House became a frat house
  • Jackson had a solemn oath, sensible address
    • spiked punch was put on the lawn, people crawled out the windows to get it

EpilogueEdit

  • Dr. Colbert reminds the kids that if they're playing at home, the secret word is:
    • "Refreshing Sierra Mist"
  • To be a winner, find the secret word at the grocery store and get your mom to buy all of it!

GalleryEdit

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Reviews and CommentsEdit

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